O.M.G.

You may wondering why I am up at 1 am when I should be in bed sleeping. I have to get up for work in 3 1/2 hours. Why am I up??? It's called endo. As bad as this seems, when I was told my baby had no heartbeat, one of the first thoughts that came through my head besides the horror and being mortified was that OMG I am going to have to go through AF again. This may not seem that big a deal to most women. Well to me it is like going through labor every single time with no epidural. So I was really happy af showed definitely today. I thought the bad cramps and stuff were the worst of it. I had no idea. I must not have been pregnant enough to build that time where you can catch a little break after having a baby. Because tonight has been the worst night ever with endo. Worse than having a uterus full of blood and clots, worse than when I was admitted in May 07. I very rarely take 10mg L.o.r.t.a.b. It makes me feel really spacey and very nauseated. However, (my pcp has ok'd this) I can take 10mg and then 800 mg motrin if needed every 6 hours. I am doing that right now. I have a heating pad wrapped around my right side. I can't sleep because it is that bad.

All I have been thinking tonight and doing is PRAYING that we get a healthy sticky baby after this cycle. I do not want to ever go through another AF again. I will only do it just to get pregnant. In fact, I have decided that at my first appt with my ob again, I am asking when he will do a hysterectomy. How soon after birth can I have one. I am SERIOUSLY considering although probably not wise an elective csection, just so I can have one. It's not wise because the uterus is very boggy and can bleed out after birth. Well that with a clotting issue does not mix. I'm serious, my first appt, we will be discussing a hysterectomy after a healthy sticky baby. I don't like putting the cart before the horse. The midwife opened that can of worms by asking me if I was getting my tubes tied with my first appt with her. I am starting continuous BCP and prometrium in the hospital right after birth. My ob and I have to discuss this. I really have to get out of af and dealing with it before I can get that hysterectomy scheduled. My endo specialist was right, this was going to be bad. If I don't get pregnant this cycle, I am going to have to get a refill on the med. Which means facing everyone in my pcp's office that was so happy that I was pregnant. I have not been in since I lost the baby. I know as soon as I come in everyone is going to want to see me and then we'll all have a big cry fest. I know I can't handle that right now.

That's the nice thing about a small town and small town docs and their staffs. They hurt when you hurt too. I don't think I can handle seeing my pcp cry. I really think she will. I know she must be feeling a ton of guilt because I got the flu and that kidney infection. It's not her fault. I don't blame her one bit. We did everything we could. We even were drastic enough to quarantine Kirsten with my inlaws because my fil had it too. This just sucks. I am really thinking how unfair. I also realize how very lucky that I can get pregnant. So it won't be too much of a whinefest.

Kirsten is grounded right now. Dh is out of town. Due to me going to work at 5am, we take the girls to my inlaws right at bedtime. This way they don't have to get up at 4am and everyone seems to be happier. Due to today being a non school day, Kirsten stayed with Grandma today. I picked Sara up, fed her dinner, bathed her, got her ready and took her to Grandmas. Except one problem. Kirsten or dh managed to pick up a virus and spyware on her desktop. It comes with these thousands of annoying popups and like someone is taking over the computer. It also eats up 100% of the computer's processing. I figured out how today to get rid of it. So I get home, go in the playroom and LOST IT. My child is the biggest and most disgusting slob in the world. Whereever she is standing she drops trash, toys, etc. Nothing is ever taken care of and put away. I have gone through her room with trashbags and trashed what was on the floor. She cried. She still did it. Today, I lost it. The computer table needs to be scrubbed. She continues to bring food and drink in there and leaves it. I have threatened to ground her for doing it. On the computer table was the most disgusting thing. She had gotten gum for easter. So what does she do? She put her big wad of chewed up gum on the desk. Not once but TWICE. I was FURIOUS. How hard is it to put that in the trash? I totally lost it. In addition, the computer table was covered in trash, candy wrappers, toys, you name it. I took my hand and knocked everything off in one sweep except the gum. Sara looked at me all wide eyed. I said a few cuss words. Which Sara has now unfortunately picked up. Please don't say at daycare tomorrow. Got Sara finished and went to take her to grandma's. Why can my 2 year old replace caps on markers, put her books away, make her bed, but her 9 year old sister can't??? Grandpa wants to come and install cable and I refuse to let him do it till she cleans her room.

Now my mil and I don't see eye to eye, but she has mellowed some since she had meningitis and lost use of her shoulder. Kirsten opens the door, I give her the evil mom glare and simply said YOU ARE GROUNDED. She immediately breaks down in tears and hoping grandma and grandpa are going to save her. So she is asking why. I put Sara down and said your playroom and room will be cleaned immediately. You will do NOTHING else till it is done. NOTHING. My mil had the audacity to butt in and say well you and dh set a great example. EXCUSE ME???? WTH. I spend every single day cleaning up after her son cause he is a pig too and she said I SET AN EXAMPLE???? I know I am not the best cleaning person when pregnant. Quite frankly, I was so nauseated and tired, that slipped. However, I throw my trash away, put my things away, and don't leave a thousand dishes everywhere. I turned to her and said in my mean mom glaring voice, it would be best for you to stay out of this conversation. This is a conversation between my daughter and I and you have NO SAY in it. By the way, your son is a pig. I constantly clean up after him. So do not even go there. My fil, the wise man that he is, immediately took her to the kitchen. Kirsten and I went to the bedroom to discuss this. She calmed down in there, but I told her you will not be doing anything till those rooms are clean or else. You may lose your birthday over this, so I sugggest you get started first thing tomorrow afternoon. Do not EVER let me catch used nasty gum on MY desk. Kirsten calmed down and we went back to the living room. Kirsten also did not get enough clothing for the time that her dad is gone, even though she was told. She did not get her bookbag either. So I had to run home to get that. In the time that I ran home, I think my fil did some very fast talking. Because when I came back and Kirsten did something else she was not supposed to, they both immediately said she has to learn to do this stuff for herself. I don't know where my mil thinks she has the balls to say crap to me like that, but that is going to stop. She does not do this to my bil. Even though quite frankly I think he is a slacker (been through 3 jobs in 2 years and getting ready to be laid off 4/1. ) She sure as hell is not doing it to me. Unfortunately, this is something I have had to learn in almost 13 years of marriage that it is ok to draw the line on your kids. To me, my child, my say. You don't get an opinion.

Oh and then I was livid with dh. He has the worst time keeping money or not using a credit card. He thinks he NEEDS things. Ex. he is going TDY. He does this several times of years. But he thought he needed more underwear and tshirts before going. He has brand new underwear and tshirts. No, we are not buying that. I took all the credit cards and debit cards away from him a few years ago cause he ran them up on CRAP. For the last year he has whined that he has been embarassed because he has been caught without money (he has an ATM card) and what if there was snowstorm and he needed a hotel. So I buckled and purposely got him a credit card with a low $500 limit. It was to be used for gas occasionally and emergencies. Define emergency to me, threat of life, limb, or property. Good we are clear. Very first month, one dinner out (I approved cause it was for us), 2 gas charges. A big whopping charge to the US Calvary Store. WTF? Where did that fit in the definition? I needed a Gortex jacket. WTH did he need a Gortex jacket for? He is civilian. He doesn't sleep in the field when they go to camp. Read him the riot act. Thought we were clear right? Paid the bill off.

Well apparently not because I got a notice from the credit card company today that he was OVER THE LIMIT. WHAT? Yeah I paid the card off last month, Gortex jacket and all, and he did the same damn thing. So what were his charges? Lunch with the guys, apparently he picked up the bill. Walmart many times. Barnes and Noble. A bookstore at the college he works at. Oh, US Calvary Store again. This time I called his butt up on his cell phone and reamed his tail out of state. The card will be mine when he gets home. He is forfeiting his VA money that he gets to pay it off. The Garmin GPS system I was going to get him for his birthday. Well now he is not getting anything and neither am I. It was going to be a gift for both of us. Cause I suck at directions and he wanted one really bad. Since he blew that money on his credit card, well, hope it was worth it to him. I hate having to act like his momma with finances. Oh and on top of that, he has been going through several hundred dollars a month on pocket change. That will be stopping as of RIGHT NOW. I pay for everything with our money, so he doesn't really need but a few dollars on him to get lunch once in a while or coffee. I am just so furious with him. His response when I called him on it (he was driving and couldn't talk), was ooops sorry. You are absolutely right. I swear I was so mad. Oh and I did a bad thing because his momma asked if he had called to say he got there alright. I told her no because he was in deep doo doo because he ran up a credit card and knew I was pissed. She just was like ummm, ok. I have a feeling that his parents and sister will go in on one for him just to get him to stop borrowing theirs! If they ask what I am getting him, I am going to tell them the truth, nothing. Because what I had put aside for that went to pay that card off. I am just so livid. I can't believe he intentionally disregarded what I had said and did it. Fortunately our good rate didn't rise. They sent us a warning.

So I guess you can say I have been slightly irritable today. On a good note, I did get all the laundry folded tonight. That was a feat by itself. That's another thing, mil has wierd laundry fetish. She likes to wash everyone's laundry and fold it. She even offered for us to bring the girls laundry to their house so she can do it right?? Um yeah, we don't even like taking it up and down from the basement and you think we want to take it to you?? Not happening.

I better get pregnant quick. I need those weepy eyed pregnant emotions instead of raging maniac. It will also be good for my sleep.