Well after the horrors of yesterday, today is a new day. I woke up with a rip roaring sore throat. I will NOT be going to my dr unless hell freezes over or I get really really sick. I hope it just goes away. Why don't I want to go to the dr, I just can't until I am pregnant again.
Sara this morning, the little stinker, got into leftover cake and smeared blue icing EVERYWHERE. All over her, on her hands and face, on the floor, the covered barstools, everywhere. So the leftover cake has little finger prints all through it.
I have decided that knowing that you are absolutely NOT pregnant is actually worse than the 2ww. At least in the 2 ww, you have hope. You can say I could be. I could not be. I really really want a 2008 baby. I really don't care when as long as it is not too early. If God decided our baby comes at 36 weeks again and I am not destined to carry past that, then so be it. There are worst things in the world.
All of us in my little loss group with losses in February failed at getting a BFP this month. How sad is that? So we are convinced that next month will be it. April I feel is going to be a much much better month. 4/18 is when af due next time. That is on a Friday. It would be awesome to call my ob's office 8 weeks to the day that I had my d&c to say hey guess what, preggo again. That would make a better Friday. Even better to get that news at 12 dpo. I am still not sure what my actual af start date is. It could be 3/21 or 3/24. I figure I will update my fertility friend chart when I O. I actually hope I O on Friday 4/4 cause it is on the weekend. If I get that positive OPK on Thursday, I am finding someone to watch the girls on Friday night and Saturday morning. lol.
I feel like everyone is in watching mode with me. Like I am an egg and a chick is going to hatch or something. I have a feeling everything will be ok next time. It will still leave me terrified. I hate that it seems like everyone is pregnant these days. I think well at least I'll still be pregnant when all these people have their babies. I won't be wishing for that at all.
I think this week is going to go by very very slow. I will say that as soon as I get a positive, I am jumping back into my super cook maternity jeans that I bought, but arrived after I lost the baby. I refuse to wear them now cause it is just not right. I also decided to buy the bayer test strips and use them everyday even in the beginning of pregnancy. This way if I get a UTI again, I can catch it before it becomes a full fledged kidney infection. I think I may also ask my ob to culture my urine every month as well. Everyone seemed shocked that I STILL had a kidney infection after the ER visit when I lost the baby. Hello, I was not making up the severe abdominal pain. I remember my ob's office frantically calling me and telling me I still had the infection and did my ob write a rx for antibiotics. Umm yes he did. Did he not chart that?? Grrrrrr. One of these days, I am going to pull the ER and d&c records from the hospital. Probably not before I can get past viability with the next one. I have to be able to look at them and can't yet.
For now, I am going to keep busy with work. I am going to work as many hours as possible right now so I can build back up my leave. I figure I can get 60 hours of comp time in the next month. I plan on doing an additional 60 hours for the next two - three months depending. Then will cut back and still do hours but not as much. I am trying to work it that I can take 2 months off on leave before birth and 3 months after the baby is born. I wouldn't have been able to do this with the August Baby. I will be able to this time. I don't want to send a possible preemie baby to daycare where RSV will be in full swing and other germies. I may send in hand sanitizer and ask all workers that touch the baby to use sanitizer before touching the baby.