Sunday, March 30, 2008

My Mother Again!

So my mother has not let up. She has not given me any space and refuses to back off. I thought when I picked up the phone that one time that she would back off and she just won't do it. So tonight, dh takes the girls to his parents house because he has to leave at 5am for work tomorrow. His mom starts giving HIM the guilt trip because I don't want to talk with my mother. My sil says her mother has diareah of the mouth which she does. I have had to learn to tell her to stay out of it. So she is giving him hell because I do not want to talk to my mother.

He comes home and is all over me that I have to call her and be nice. Like hell I do. I picked up the phone and gave her hell. Are you happy now. Stop forcing a relationship where there is none. I told her to stop calling constantly I do not want to talk to her about it. If I did, I know how to call. She needed to back off and give me my space. I said don't call the inlaws because then they come down on us and you know what I really don't appreciate that right now. You have no idea what is going on and neither do they. All you need to know is that I am ok and my drs say I am ok. Kirsten liked her birthday present, it fits and she says thank you. Now give me my space and STOP calling. I also told her to stop telling everyone that I needed to see a psychiatrist. She said well I thought you should talk with someone to deal with your pain. I said you have NO idea what you are talking about it and need to leave it alone. Now I have to go . Goodbye.

Everybody happy now? That's my mother, she has to push it until you push back. Now she is going to run to all her little friends and tell them how mean I was to her. If she had checked it wasn't a personal thing against her. I havn't talked to anyone and don't want to. Let me deal with it on my own. Geez. I am surprised that I am taking it as well as I am. I mean I thought I was doing pretty good. Now if she could just leave me alone. She is adding so much more incredible stress. I wish that I had never told her I was pregnant. Then she wouldn't know and wouldn't be bugging the hell out of me right now. I think when I do get pregnant again, I won't tell her until at least 20 weeks. Quite frankly there probably won't be a lot of people that will know. Just don't want to broadcast it because what if the same thing happens again? I can deal with that twice with everyone knowning. KWIM. ACK.

A New Day

Well after the horrors of yesterday, today is a new day. I woke up with a rip roaring sore throat. I will NOT be going to my dr unless hell freezes over or I get really really sick. I hope it just goes away. Why don't I want to go to the dr, I just can't until I am pregnant again.

Sara this morning, the little stinker, got into leftover cake and smeared blue icing EVERYWHERE. All over her, on her hands and face, on the floor, the covered barstools, everywhere. So the leftover cake has little finger prints all through it.

I have decided that knowing that you are absolutely NOT pregnant is actually worse than the 2ww. At least in the 2 ww, you have hope. You can say I could be. I could not be. I really really want a 2008 baby. I really don't care when as long as it is not too early. If God decided our baby comes at 36 weeks again and I am not destined to carry past that, then so be it. There are worst things in the world.

All of us in my little loss group with losses in February failed at getting a BFP this month. How sad is that? So we are convinced that next month will be it. April I feel is going to be a much much better month. 4/18 is when af due next time. That is on a Friday. It would be awesome to call my ob's office 8 weeks to the day that I had my d&c to say hey guess what, preggo again. That would make a better Friday. Even better to get that news at 12 dpo. I am still not sure what my actual af start date is. It could be 3/21 or 3/24. I figure I will update my fertility friend chart when I O. I actually hope I O on Friday 4/4 cause it is on the weekend. If I get that positive OPK on Thursday, I am finding someone to watch the girls on Friday night and Saturday morning. lol.

I feel like everyone is in watching mode with me. Like I am an egg and a chick is going to hatch or something. I have a feeling everything will be ok next time. It will still leave me terrified. I hate that it seems like everyone is pregnant these days. I think well at least I'll still be pregnant when all these people have their babies. I won't be wishing for that at all.

I think this week is going to go by very very slow. I will say that as soon as I get a positive, I am jumping back into my super cook maternity jeans that I bought, but arrived after I lost the baby. I refuse to wear them now cause it is just not right. I also decided to buy the bayer test strips and use them everyday even in the beginning of pregnancy. This way if I get a UTI again, I can catch it before it becomes a full fledged kidney infection. I think I may also ask my ob to culture my urine every month as well. Everyone seemed shocked that I STILL had a kidney infection after the ER visit when I lost the baby. Hello, I was not making up the severe abdominal pain. I remember my ob's office frantically calling me and telling me I still had the infection and did my ob write a rx for antibiotics. Umm yes he did. Did he not chart that?? Grrrrrr. One of these days, I am going to pull the ER and d&c records from the hospital. Probably not before I can get past viability with the next one. I have to be able to look at them and can't yet.

For now, I am going to keep busy with work. I am going to work as many hours as possible right now so I can build back up my leave. I figure I can get 60 hours of comp time in the next month. I plan on doing an additional 60 hours for the next two - three months depending. Then will cut back and still do hours but not as much. I am trying to work it that I can take 2 months off on leave before birth and 3 months after the baby is born. I wouldn't have been able to do this with the August Baby. I will be able to this time. I don't want to send a possible preemie baby to daycare where RSV will be in full swing and other germies. I may send in hand sanitizer and ask all workers that touch the baby to use sanitizer before touching the baby.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

How do I NOT lose my mind???

So last night I pick Sara up from daycare. For some reason, she decides she is going to be the MOST uncooperative child ever. Have to hurry and get her and drop her off at home. Then pick up Kirsten and take her to dance. What does Sara's daycare teacher say (she knows that we lost the baby). So when are you trying for that 3rd. If you are having problems getting Sara into her coat, how are you going to handle a third. First, we had our third. THAT CHILD DIED. Second, we have been trying but you know we lost the baby oh what 5 weeks ago? As much as I want to be pregnant right now, unfortunately it takes time. Third, I will handle my fourth child just fine. No I didn't say anything, I just gave her the evil glare. She really is a nice person, just insert foot into mouth.

Then I take Kirsten to dance. Again when are you having the third child? Does not anyone recognize that I have had my third child. That child died???? That baby is not erased. That baby was alive and had a heartbeat. I gave her evil glare too and left. Yes she knew we lost the baby only 5 weeks ago too.

So Kirsten's party was today. It happened again. THREE moms in the space of less than 20 minutes come and do belly rubs and said they heard we were expecting??? WTF. Are you kidding me? I mean these are my friends and they KNEW we lost the baby. AGGGGGGGGH. One of them came and talked with me afterwards. They all wanted to know the story. I amazed myself that I was able to tell the story without breaking down. One of the moms has had two 2nd trimester losses. Same thing, she had a kidney infection that was severe and lost the baby too at 16 weeks. Found out late afternoon and had a d&c the next day. I actually was ok talking with her because she has been there and done that. She told me it would happen and would happen quick for me. I also caught my mil observing the situation and tearing up. She cries at everything. She could never know the pain that I have because she has never lost a baby.

Then the kicker, the nail in the coffin. My pcp who I love and adore and who does not want kids. Guess what? She's pregnant with a surprise baby. ACKKKK! I am really happy for her. Truly I am. She deserves a baby. She didn't even WANT a baby and has one. She is 6 weeks pregnant. I worry about her now because she has chronic htn and is over 40. These are risk factors for PE. Well at least she knows who she can go to for information. I would not be surprised at all if she called me late in pregnancy or if one of us comes in for an appt and she pounds me with questions. This may sound REALLY selfish. Ok it is selfish. But I want to be in that preggo group. If she is 6 weeks preggo, then I if I got pregnant this cycle (PLEASE GOD), then I would realistically be delivering very close after her. I am 5 weeks behind her and you figure I have not gotten past 36 weeks. She promised me she would be there to take care of OUR baby. Ok, I know that is really selfish and I shouldn't have said it. But still. I really do hope for the best for her. I'm just shocked. I am sure she is too. Boy is her life going to change! I laugh now because she has tons of nieces and nephews. She likes to give them back to their parents when she is done with them. I am sure she will be a wonderful mom because she has been so great with my girls.

Oh and the mom I talked with afterwards has endometriosis too. She asked me if pregnancy helped it. I said absolutely. I felt great with that. I had bad pain for the first 5 weeks and then it went away. She said her too. Then she asked me if it was worse when I lost the baby. I said oh yeah. I was seriously thinking about having my uterus taken out myself right then and there. She said she had the same thing.

I managed to keep it together for Kirsten's party. Came home and Sara immediately threw a temper tantrum. Not sure what was wrong with her the last day or so cause she is not normally like that. Put her in the bath and just sat and rocked her for awhile and she finally fell asleep. I put her to bed. I told Kirsten I needed her to leave me alone for awhile. She got FABULOUS gifts from her friends. 3 webkins, a HM backpack, HM purse, High school musical games, Jonas brothers cd. Everything she wanted. She made out like a bandit. She has really great friends with parents. Now I am going to veg out. Tomorrow, Kirsten has thank you notes to send out. Today was just a bad day. I just pray and pray that we can get pregnant this month. That saying about being fertile after a miscarriage better be true. Remember we only want a singleton. Ok, if we had twins, I would still be ok.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

I'm the mom of a NINE year old today!!

Today is my Kirsten's ninth birthday. I can't believe she is 9. It is so hard to believe that at this time 9 years ago, I was in the MICU on L&D because I was very very ill. I had tubes, wires, and ivs all over the place. I had a nurse that sat with me 24/7. Her only job was to watch me and make sure I didn't sieze. It was also about this time that the drs pulled my dh out of the room to talk to him. He came back in crying and begged me not to die. At the time I thought he was being overdramatic. I remember I told him as I struggled to get it out, I am NOT dying. I'm just really really sick. At that I turned over and puked again from the mag. My dh does not speak of the day Kirsten was born. I have asked many times over the years. He tells me it is over and done with now and go forward. I think for him, he just can't go back there. I have asked him many times what the drs told him before he came back in. He refuses to even discuss it and will either leave the room or change the subject. So it brings back bittersweet memories. Wonderful that we had a healthy newborn little girl, bad because I almost died.

So how is Kirsten today? Healthy pretty much. Very active and into everything. She's a normal 9 year old girl. Oh and she is still very much grounded because her rooms are not clean. We'll go out to dinner tonight and head over to Grandma's for her cake and presents. Outside of that, she is still cleaning that room. It has become a battle 0f the wills. Unfortunately for her, my will is stronger.

I'm still mad about that bill yesterday. I talked with a friend of mine who lost her baby at 16 weeks. She said well you could make a big stink about it and how it is not fair and be labeled that problem patient. However, do you like your ob? I said of course. She said pay the bill. She said she had the same problem. She said as much as it sucked, she realized that it was a small price to pay for an OB that would watch her and see her frequently. She said trust me with your history, you will more than get your money's worth at the beginning and end of pregnancy. I guess she is right. I can make a stink out of it, but what does that serve? There are not a lot of obs that do what mine does. I guess that is worth more than money. I still say it sucks big time.

Af is in the process of leaving and we are on to the countdown of the BIG O. I think it will be around 4/4. So I am going to see if the inlaws can take my girls so that NOTHING interferes with it, lol. Keep your fingers crossed. If it works, I'll be due 12/31.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

To Insurance Companies and OB billing Clerks, YOU SUCK.

Yeah you suck. HOW DARE YOU, send me a bill for copays for each ob visit. I have ALWAYS paid my medical bills on time. Today I opened my mail. I have a bill from my ob's office for $30. I guess my ob's way of taking care of it was knocking off $15. Who knows. Maybe that bill is still coming too. My insurance plan states, that I pay $15 for the first visit to establish that yes I am pregnant. AFTER THAT IT STATES YOU PAY NOTHING. So because there is not a CPT code to charge to for less than 4 visits (I had 4 visits, but apparently it is 4 visits AFTER the first visit you pay your copay), I am being charged for every office visit I had. How the hell is that fair? So because I LOST my baby, my baby DIED, I get punished by paying extra?? WTF?

Some may say call the billing clerk and get it straightened out. Yeah, that's the problem. The billing clerk has a personality problem. She is one of the most unwilling and most difficult person I have ever had to deal with. It took me lighting a fire under her butt and staying on her to get two referrals done. So do you really think she is going to deal with this??? So you may say call the doc. Ok, well I have been a patient there for four years. The only time my dr has talked to me outside the office is when I have called after hours and when I lost the baby. I don't think it is appropriate to call him after hours to discuss this on his pager.

So what should I do? I don't really care how they code it to my insurance company (insurance company refuses to get involved) as long as I don't pay extra. It's not the money, I can pay $30. It's the point of it. I should not be punished for losing my baby. That's just freaking cruel. My ob said he would take care of this. I am seriously considering making photocopies of my plan book for maternity and sending that back with the bill. Can you think of anything appropriate that will get my point across to the clerk??? I am angry, sad, mad, and in tears over this. It just SUCKS.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

I must be in prepregnancy nesting mode

I did this in October. In October, I scrubbed my house from top to bottom. Dh is gone TDY and it makes it SOOOO much easier for me when I clean the house. I don't know why, it just is. So, I felt a bit better this afternoon. As long as I stay consistent and on top of it with the medicine, I am ok. So I was able to clean Sara's room. Vacumn upstairs and downstairs. Cleaned the bathroom. Cleaned the carpet upstairs (our bedroom, hallway, and Sara's room) and cleaned the living room carpets. Did you know that Hoover's pet carpet shampoo smells GOOD?? I figured if it can clean up after pets, it can clean up after my kiddos.

Still waiting on Kirsten to finish her playroom. What does you are not doing anything till your room is clean mean to you? This means no tv, no computer, no play outside. My mil offered to bake a cake for Kirsten for her birthday. I was going to try and do that tonight too, but not enough time. So I took her up on her offer. She said she was not working anyway and had nothing to do all day. Ummm, ok. If I didn't work, I would have fabulously clean house and tons of flowers in my yard. Speaking of yard, I need to find a way to get rid of the girls swingset without me having to take it apart. It's a metal one. It was a cheapie my mom bought. It was great till the girl next door used it. Kirsten weighs 67lbs now. This girl next door weighed as much as a full size adult. Since it wasn't the best. She damaged it. Well it went downhill from there. So I just want to get rid of it and use that space in the yard. Maybe I'll wait till I get pregnant and my fil will take it apart for me. :) I also have a two person swing that needs to go. I want to replace it with a three seater so I can lay on it this summer or have the girls on it with me. I need to put up the fence in the back yard. There is a chain link across the back. The back neighbor has weeds that keep coming into my yard. She has a bulldog that scares the crap out of the girls. We took the 2 board fence down last summer. So we are going to put up a wood privacy fence ASAP. I am apprehensive about doing it myself because I will probably be pregnant, but if I say something to my fil, he would snag my bil and they would help do it. It is only 5 lengths. So it's not like it would be a huge ordeal. We could have it all up in a couple of hours. I have decided to wait on remodeling the bathroom. That will be after the next baby is born.

Then some very sad news. An acquaintance/friend of mine lost his 3 day old baby yesterday. I have been so busy, so I don't know the exact story. I saw the obit in the paper. They are some of the nicest people I know. They need so many prayers right now. Apparently something was wrong with the baby and she was not expected to live. The obit said she fought to meet her parents and see her home. Their hearts must be absolutely broken into a million little pieces. I remember those first days all to well because it is still so fresh for me. I hate it when bad things happen to such good people. It's not fair that the ones that don't take care of themselves, do crack, kill their babies get to have theirs. Those of us that do everything that was right, lose ours. So keep them in your thoughts. They had a picture of her in the paper. That baby was absolutely breathtaking. Reminded me of a saying I once heard, too beautiful for this earth.

Oh and tomorrow, send me some positive thoughts. I still avoid large crowds, gatherings, restaraunts, etc. I have to run a conference talking with various contractors tomorrow for half the day. I am NOT happy about that.

You guessed it...

No work for me today. When it came time for me to get up and actually go to work this morning. It didn't happen. Way too much pain. Way too tired. I ended up taking another dose at 545am and going back to sleep. I just woke up and am feeling a little better. Bleeding slowed down, so must be going away. Hopefully it will follow the usual trend and be gone in 2 days completely. Then the exciting wait begins. Except it is not as exciting as it once was when you were trying to make a baby. At least I do know EXACTLY where I stand in the cycle. So hopefully my lining is really strong.

I had the strangest thing happen to me in the wee hours of the morning. Now let me preface this with a warning. I am not a crazy lady. I do believe in miracles. I do believe in a higer being. I do believe in ghosts. Ok, now that has been said. I was laying in bed in the dark. I was praying. Please let us have a healthy, happy, and sticky baby. Please let that baby get to term. Please let me get pregnant asap. Please take care of my girls and dh and let them be healthy and happy. Please let me have a healthy pregnancy. Then I started thinking a bit about the baby that I lost. I thought about how I never actually saw that baby move on US. Not once. Which was odd because my girls even at 7 & 9 weeks were zooming around in that wide open space. I thought about how I had seen the heartbeat, but never actually heard it. I had been a bit anxiety ridden yesterday. Probably because of AF really turning up the heat on me. All of a sudden I felt very very calm. I was laying there on my left side. Near my right ear I heard a whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh for a minute. I wasn't scared because I know I was the only one in the house. I tried to think how did that sound get there. It seemed like a sound that only I would hear. It had been a long time (since Sara was born) that I had heard that sound, but I instantly recognized it. I thought at the time, oh that is my baby's heartbeat. Except there is no baby. There is no rational reason for that sound to have occured at that particular time. I also felt all of a sudden that I would get pregnant quickly (this wasn't a hoping and wishing kind of thing) and that everything would be ok. I don't know. Maybe it's a coinky dink. Maybe it was mind playing games on me. I guess we'll find out later on how it all plays out. I just wanted to get it in writing today so that I can look back when I feel panic or anxiety and see it.

So what does that leave me to do for today since I am feeling a bit better and the med is now working. I think I am going to go back to sleep for a bit more. Finish cleaning up my room, the bathroom, and Sara's room. Run the clothes up into the closet that I pulled that were 2t and label that box in the attic. Vacummn the upstairs and the stairway. Call it a day till tonight. Then tonight clean the living room and kitchen. Use the carpet cleaner to clean the carpets in there since the girls will be gone and not walking on it. Will use carpet cleaner today to clean upstairs carpets. I have to bake the cake for Kirsten's birthday. Oh and Kirsten has violin today too. ACKKK. I have to check and see if she has Girl Scouts. If she does, I'll run by BJ's and pick up cupcakes for her to take to Girl Scouts. Crap I just remembered. I need to send in a snack for her birthday at school too! I'll tell her to ask at school tomorrow. I have been so disorganized since the miscarriage. I hope that is normal!

It's funny, 9 years ago today, I was in the hospital blissfully unaware of how sick I was. On the 26th, that all came crashing down. I'll never forget the dr coming into my room and saying we must terminate this pregnancy immediately. Never asked me what I thought. Never explained what was going to happen. Just terminate. I thought at the time, I am not terminating ANYTHING. Why use that term. It kind of stings now even years later. The day I was admitted to L&D from antepartum. At midnight, was admitted to the MICU part. It doesn't hurt as much as it did 9 years ago. I'm not as angry at my ob who royally screwed up my care. I am very grateful to the drs that did take care of me at the hospital who recognized I was one very sick girlie. I still feel very grateful to that young British anesthesiologist who sat with me for hours. I feel bad for the women that didn't get epidurals because she was busy watching me and translating everything for me. It doesn't outweigh the gratefulness of that young dr. I often wonder where she is now. I was the ONLY one to get an epidural that night out of several women that were in labor. Trust me, there were a lot of them begging for one. They just simply said soon and those women were pass the point to get them.

On my loss board, there are two wonderful women that live very close to me!! Only about 30-40 minutes. We have all had losses very close together. We have decided we are going to meet for lunch or coffee in about 2 weeks. I am SO excited. These women have been such a huge support to me. I have not told dh yet, because I know he will freak. The other women's dhs feel the same. I am meeting them in a public place. As one woman put it to her dh, it is an awful lot of effort to be able to post everything and the tmi for a miscarriage for it to be a crazy or a 12 year old boy goofing off.


You may wondering why I am up at 1 am when I should be in bed sleeping. I have to get up for work in 3 1/2 hours. Why am I up??? It's called endo. As bad as this seems, when I was told my baby had no heartbeat, one of the first thoughts that came through my head besides the horror and being mortified was that OMG I am going to have to go through AF again. This may not seem that big a deal to most women. Well to me it is like going through labor every single time with no epidural. So I was really happy af showed definitely today. I thought the bad cramps and stuff were the worst of it. I had no idea. I must not have been pregnant enough to build that time where you can catch a little break after having a baby. Because tonight has been the worst night ever with endo. Worse than having a uterus full of blood and clots, worse than when I was admitted in May 07. I very rarely take 10mg L.o.r.t.a.b. It makes me feel really spacey and very nauseated. However, (my pcp has ok'd this) I can take 10mg and then 800 mg motrin if needed every 6 hours. I am doing that right now. I have a heating pad wrapped around my right side. I can't sleep because it is that bad.

All I have been thinking tonight and doing is PRAYING that we get a healthy sticky baby after this cycle. I do not want to ever go through another AF again. I will only do it just to get pregnant. In fact, I have decided that at my first appt with my ob again, I am asking when he will do a hysterectomy. How soon after birth can I have one. I am SERIOUSLY considering although probably not wise an elective csection, just so I can have one. It's not wise because the uterus is very boggy and can bleed out after birth. Well that with a clotting issue does not mix. I'm serious, my first appt, we will be discussing a hysterectomy after a healthy sticky baby. I don't like putting the cart before the horse. The midwife opened that can of worms by asking me if I was getting my tubes tied with my first appt with her. I am starting continuous BCP and prometrium in the hospital right after birth. My ob and I have to discuss this. I really have to get out of af and dealing with it before I can get that hysterectomy scheduled. My endo specialist was right, this was going to be bad. If I don't get pregnant this cycle, I am going to have to get a refill on the med. Which means facing everyone in my pcp's office that was so happy that I was pregnant. I have not been in since I lost the baby. I know as soon as I come in everyone is going to want to see me and then we'll all have a big cry fest. I know I can't handle that right now.

That's the nice thing about a small town and small town docs and their staffs. They hurt when you hurt too. I don't think I can handle seeing my pcp cry. I really think she will. I know she must be feeling a ton of guilt because I got the flu and that kidney infection. It's not her fault. I don't blame her one bit. We did everything we could. We even were drastic enough to quarantine Kirsten with my inlaws because my fil had it too. This just sucks. I am really thinking how unfair. I also realize how very lucky that I can get pregnant. So it won't be too much of a whinefest.

Kirsten is grounded right now. Dh is out of town. Due to me going to work at 5am, we take the girls to my inlaws right at bedtime. This way they don't have to get up at 4am and everyone seems to be happier. Due to today being a non school day, Kirsten stayed with Grandma today. I picked Sara up, fed her dinner, bathed her, got her ready and took her to Grandmas. Except one problem. Kirsten or dh managed to pick up a virus and spyware on her desktop. It comes with these thousands of annoying popups and like someone is taking over the computer. It also eats up 100% of the computer's processing. I figured out how today to get rid of it. So I get home, go in the playroom and LOST IT. My child is the biggest and most disgusting slob in the world. Whereever she is standing she drops trash, toys, etc. Nothing is ever taken care of and put away. I have gone through her room with trashbags and trashed what was on the floor. She cried. She still did it. Today, I lost it. The computer table needs to be scrubbed. She continues to bring food and drink in there and leaves it. I have threatened to ground her for doing it. On the computer table was the most disgusting thing. She had gotten gum for easter. So what does she do? She put her big wad of chewed up gum on the desk. Not once but TWICE. I was FURIOUS. How hard is it to put that in the trash? I totally lost it. In addition, the computer table was covered in trash, candy wrappers, toys, you name it. I took my hand and knocked everything off in one sweep except the gum. Sara looked at me all wide eyed. I said a few cuss words. Which Sara has now unfortunately picked up. Please don't say at daycare tomorrow. Got Sara finished and went to take her to grandma's. Why can my 2 year old replace caps on markers, put her books away, make her bed, but her 9 year old sister can't??? Grandpa wants to come and install cable and I refuse to let him do it till she cleans her room.

Now my mil and I don't see eye to eye, but she has mellowed some since she had meningitis and lost use of her shoulder. Kirsten opens the door, I give her the evil mom glare and simply said YOU ARE GROUNDED. She immediately breaks down in tears and hoping grandma and grandpa are going to save her. So she is asking why. I put Sara down and said your playroom and room will be cleaned immediately. You will do NOTHING else till it is done. NOTHING. My mil had the audacity to butt in and say well you and dh set a great example. EXCUSE ME???? WTH. I spend every single day cleaning up after her son cause he is a pig too and she said I SET AN EXAMPLE???? I know I am not the best cleaning person when pregnant. Quite frankly, I was so nauseated and tired, that slipped. However, I throw my trash away, put my things away, and don't leave a thousand dishes everywhere. I turned to her and said in my mean mom glaring voice, it would be best for you to stay out of this conversation. This is a conversation between my daughter and I and you have NO SAY in it. By the way, your son is a pig. I constantly clean up after him. So do not even go there. My fil, the wise man that he is, immediately took her to the kitchen. Kirsten and I went to the bedroom to discuss this. She calmed down in there, but I told her you will not be doing anything till those rooms are clean or else. You may lose your birthday over this, so I sugggest you get started first thing tomorrow afternoon. Do not EVER let me catch used nasty gum on MY desk. Kirsten calmed down and we went back to the living room. Kirsten also did not get enough clothing for the time that her dad is gone, even though she was told. She did not get her bookbag either. So I had to run home to get that. In the time that I ran home, I think my fil did some very fast talking. Because when I came back and Kirsten did something else she was not supposed to, they both immediately said she has to learn to do this stuff for herself. I don't know where my mil thinks she has the balls to say crap to me like that, but that is going to stop. She does not do this to my bil. Even though quite frankly I think he is a slacker (been through 3 jobs in 2 years and getting ready to be laid off 4/1. ) She sure as hell is not doing it to me. Unfortunately, this is something I have had to learn in almost 13 years of marriage that it is ok to draw the line on your kids. To me, my child, my say. You don't get an opinion.

Oh and then I was livid with dh. He has the worst time keeping money or not using a credit card. He thinks he NEEDS things. Ex. he is going TDY. He does this several times of years. But he thought he needed more underwear and tshirts before going. He has brand new underwear and tshirts. No, we are not buying that. I took all the credit cards and debit cards away from him a few years ago cause he ran them up on CRAP. For the last year he has whined that he has been embarassed because he has been caught without money (he has an ATM card) and what if there was snowstorm and he needed a hotel. So I buckled and purposely got him a credit card with a low $500 limit. It was to be used for gas occasionally and emergencies. Define emergency to me, threat of life, limb, or property. Good we are clear. Very first month, one dinner out (I approved cause it was for us), 2 gas charges. A big whopping charge to the US Calvary Store. WTF? Where did that fit in the definition? I needed a Gortex jacket. WTH did he need a Gortex jacket for? He is civilian. He doesn't sleep in the field when they go to camp. Read him the riot act. Thought we were clear right? Paid the bill off.

Well apparently not because I got a notice from the credit card company today that he was OVER THE LIMIT. WHAT? Yeah I paid the card off last month, Gortex jacket and all, and he did the same damn thing. So what were his charges? Lunch with the guys, apparently he picked up the bill. Walmart many times. Barnes and Noble. A bookstore at the college he works at. Oh, US Calvary Store again. This time I called his butt up on his cell phone and reamed his tail out of state. The card will be mine when he gets home. He is forfeiting his VA money that he gets to pay it off. The Garmin GPS system I was going to get him for his birthday. Well now he is not getting anything and neither am I. It was going to be a gift for both of us. Cause I suck at directions and he wanted one really bad. Since he blew that money on his credit card, well, hope it was worth it to him. I hate having to act like his momma with finances. Oh and on top of that, he has been going through several hundred dollars a month on pocket change. That will be stopping as of RIGHT NOW. I pay for everything with our money, so he doesn't really need but a few dollars on him to get lunch once in a while or coffee. I am just so furious with him. His response when I called him on it (he was driving and couldn't talk), was ooops sorry. You are absolutely right. I swear I was so mad. Oh and I did a bad thing because his momma asked if he had called to say he got there alright. I told her no because he was in deep doo doo because he ran up a credit card and knew I was pissed. She just was like ummm, ok. I have a feeling that his parents and sister will go in on one for him just to get him to stop borrowing theirs! If they ask what I am getting him, I am going to tell them the truth, nothing. Because what I had put aside for that went to pay that card off. I am just so livid. I can't believe he intentionally disregarded what I had said and did it. Fortunately our good rate didn't rise. They sent us a warning.

So I guess you can say I have been slightly irritable today. On a good note, I did get all the laundry folded tonight. That was a feat by itself. That's another thing, mil has wierd laundry fetish. She likes to wash everyone's laundry and fold it. She even offered for us to bring the girls laundry to their house so she can do it right?? Um yeah, we don't even like taking it up and down from the basement and you think we want to take it to you?? Not happening.

I better get pregnant quick. I need those weepy eyed pregnant emotions instead of raging maniac. It will also be good for my sleep.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Hip Hip Hooray!!!

Ok, I am NEVER happy about AF showing up. I have been wondering all weekend is this really it??? Cause I just wasn't sure. By George, it is. It is DEFINITELY without a doubt AF. I guess there is something to be said about being as regular as a clock. Even when I had all my gyn issues. My ob would look at my charts and say, look here. Every month at the end of month is AF. We just got to fix all this other bleeding up. Which was nicely done on Prometrium and continuous bcp. So even though I am very sad AF showed her ugly face.

I can honestly go into a new pregnancy KNOWING that I had the one cycle everyone recommends, low dose aspirin to make my lining strong, and knowing where I stand. So YIPPEE. Now, AF stay away after this and give me a positive test, ok??

Onward with my poas addiction with opks. My super sensitive ones from my guy in England should be here this week. Looks like if I get pregnant this cycle (everyone hope and pray), I'll be looking at anything from a Turkey Day baby (36 weeks) to a Christmas baby.

I never thought I would want a baby at that time, but I don't really care now. I just want a baby. We pray everyday for a healthy pregnancy and baby. So onward we go.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Easter and Sad

I had hoped hoped hoped I would be pregnant again fast, but that did not happen. Definitely a BFN this morning on dollar store and ebay tests. Those ebay tests that I got this time SUCKED. So glad I bought new ones from that reliable company that worked before. Plus they detect at a lower level.

I'm sad because it is Easter and I was supposed to be 17/18 weeks pregnant. I was supposed to be in the fun of the second trimester and it was ALL stolen from me. We just want ONE more healthy baby. That's it. Then I will never have to worry about this again.

I know that I probably had NO uterine lining, so it is really good to wait a cycle. I can tell because there is lots of cramping and endo pain with this af but very little bleeding. I guess that's something. The extra time on the low dose aspirin will help as well as my ob wanted me back on it asap. I realized if I get pregnant on this next cycle, the dates work out really well for me. At 14 weeks, I would be at the end of June and could get checked before our vacation. Dh is going away for camp this summer for work. I would be 16-20 weeks while he was gone. Which would be before I would be put on full time bedrest. I expect to be on full time bedrest by 24 weeks. A BFP would be around my birthday. Baby would be due 12/26 if it works. I don't really like the month of November anyway and think December would be good. There would be better tv on in the fall anyway, lol. I was bored silly when on bedrest with Sara as there was no tv and I did not get to enjoy my summer. At least this way there will be a summer.

The girls love their easter baskets. Sara got a tiara and dressup shoes with a wand and she LOVES THEM. She is very girly and prissy. Kirsten got a big box of hair thingys that she is loving. Plus they got awesome baskets. Lord knows what the inlaws got them because we have Brunch with them later.

Happy Easter everyone.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Not sure what is up....

So yesterday I had awful endo pain and cramping. Late yesterday afternoon I started having light bleeding with dark red blood. Not bright red or anything. Just dark red/brownish blood. Since I was having such awful pain, I thought well I am out, af is here. This lasted until late last night. Today nothing. Tested with OPK and dollar store test, both are negative. So I am just going to keep testing each day with both and see what is happening.

Still tired. Still have sensitive and bigger bbs. I could not fit in my bra well that I wore two weeks ago. So back to the new bra. Nausea. Big time. But I think it is because I took a painkiller last night thinking it was over with and ok. Then I took my antibiotic. I was sick that I could not get off the couch last night for hours. I finally took one of the Reglan I had been prescribed in pregnancy. Now I do have a sensitive stomach with a pain killer but not THAT overwhelming. Same thing this morning. All of a sudden I was overcome with the nausea. But I took Reglan this morning too. I had the cramps and endo pain till this morning, but no more bleeding. So I took a painkiller this morning and then Reglan at the same time. A couple of hours later, was overcome with nausea. So I had a honeybun on my way out the door for an Easter egg hunt that the girls attended. So I don't know what to make of this. I have never ever had a 1 day af. A friend that is a nurse suggested that I bled out so much a couple of weeks ago that that may be all that was left. She said it was very possible to have a 1 day af. So I keep testing, eventually SOMETHING will happen.

My mom called again today. She sounded like she got choked up or either the phone cut off. She only has a cell now. She is driving me nuts. It's like she keeps pushing and pushing and it is all about her. I want to be left alone. She needs to stop pushing.I'll probably talk to her around Kirsten's birthday. It will be short and I am NOT going to discuss the MC with her.

So we went to the town easter egg hunt today. It's held in a local park and they do age groups for the eggs. Sara was in 0-4 and Kirsten was in 8-10. Sara WON the golden egg and got nifty prized. She got a 12 inch bunny and a basket filled with stuff almost bigger than her. It had a big jar of bubbles, playdoh, Ms. Potato Head, candy, a bendable guy, a stuffed bunny. She got so overwhelmed by all the people and stuff that she started wailing. Poor kid. They took her picture with the other kids that won prizes in the other age group. She'll probaby be in the paper on Monday. How exciting!!!!!!! She calmed down after I gave her a hershey kiss to eat.

Then they went to their grandparents to go to their Great Uncle's house to have another egg hunt with their cousins. We didn't go and took the day to ourselves with no kiddos.

Will test again tomorrow. 14 dpo tomorrow.

Friday, March 21, 2008

I think my body has been overtaken by aliens

I have no idea what is going on. One minute AF feels like it is coming full force. Then I get hit by a wave of quesiness. I am in limbo land. AF should either show her face or I should get a BFP immediately.

So I did some sluething just now. I found the company that sold me ovulation and pregnancy tests back in November through my feedback on ebay. They have a whole ebay store, just no auctions going on. So I was right, the tests did test at 10mIU/ml and they were from the UK. So if that is really true, the earliest I can expect a bfp would be tomorrow.

Not holding any hopes here anymore. I would love one, but I am tired of getting disappointed. So today I had a pop tart, dr pepper and then white cheddar popcorn (don't even say anything about my diet at this point!).

I had the biggest wave of quesiness hit me right before eating popcorn!! That's why I am confused. Feels like AF and then get quesiness. Silly body. Now I am gassy. I still run to the bathroom expecting af any second.

So I guess eventually I will know. I have waited 12 days, what's a few more.

Oh and if I am not this month, I am buying those UK tests again. They are much better than the crappy duds I bought this past time.

Big Whine Ahead (feel free to skip)

Ugggh. Ok first order of business. 1st Response and dollar store tests - BFN. Ebay one, could be a really faint line (within the time limit). How do I feel? I still have sore and sensitive bbs. Not peeing as much, but enough. I swear I feel like AF is going to be here any second. I am cranky, beyond irritated, and emotional. I feel like I should be running to the bathroom to check for it. My endo is acting up some. So because of that I think I am out of the running! I have some back and lower right abdominal pain. This is where my endo is. I feel totally bloated. Not a happy camper right now.

One month ago is when I had my d&c. So I think that is part of the problem. I was lucky to get a BFP at 11 dpo last time. Why not now??? I am really upset and irritated today. I tried to find the company that I bought the tests that test at 10mIU/ml and had deleted on ebay. I didn't see any ebay auctions at 10 either. GRRRRR.

I am mad. I am mad that pe stole the middle to end of pregnancy stuff from me. I will ALWAYS worry during that time. At least, I can test my bp at home. I can test my urine at home. I can keep an eye on my symptoms. I will have a a gazillion USs and NSTs. My ob can keep an eye on my bloodwork close enough that we would notice the first sign of a change.

Miscarriage has now stolen early pregnancy from me. How can I know if things are alright? There isn't anything for me to go by. I was still having symptoms. In fact the night before the D&C, I thought on my one millionth trip to the bathroom, what a cruel joks. Still have to pee constantly and no baby. How unfair. We had seen the heartbeat twice, less than the week before. My bloodwork was fabulous. Then no heartbeat.

I am excited about getting a BFP. Really I will be. It just won't hold the same kind of naive sense that I had the last time. I won't be able to sit patiently while my dr looks for the baby and a heartbeat and believe that honestly everything is ok. My appt at 8 1/2 weeks, it literally took 20 minutes. I never once thought it wasn't there. I will probably out and out panic and cry till he finds it. Fortunately, he will look for one as long as it takes.

My peri that I loved. Well I am dreading that appt. So much so that I am willing to bring sil with me if dh has to work. I am the MOST modest person. She begged to go to USs last time with me. I wouldn't let her because I didn't want her to see my stomach. Guess what, she'll be invited. I may hold the line at mil. She still drives me crazy.

On one hand I want to shout from the rooftops when I get a positive. In reality, most people would not find out till I am about 20 weeks.

I just hate that I am in that trying to conceive club again. I was done. I had happy memories of that with peyton. Now I have new memories to make.


Thursday, March 20, 2008


It must have been an evap line. DANG. Had BFN this morning. I was really hoping. My tests from ebay are making me mad because they keep smearing the dye where the test line would be. Which would be ok if you had a dark positive because you could see it. Not ok when you are trying to pick up a faint line. SO I have decided to break down and spend the money on a 3 pack of first response tests. Consumer reports did a study and first response was the best and most accurate test at the lowest levels. So tests detected at 15mIU/ml to 25 mIU/ml. The most sensitive ones picked up at 6.5 with an average of 12.5. My other ebay ones picked up at 10. Which is why I probably got a BFP at 11 dpo last time.

I really feel like I am pregnant. I was beyond exhausted last night. So tired that I couldn't even go upstairs and went to sleep on the couch. My bbs are sore. Not so sore you can't poke at them. Still queasy. I just feel like I have the flu today. I am seriously considering going back home and going to sleep because I am so freaking tired!!! Maybe if I still feel like crap I will go home at noon. Stop by Wally World and then GO TO BED. Actually I think I might be a little depressed over a BFN this morning. I know it is way early and I am not out till I am out. I still have abundant CM. Although this morning some of it was blood tinged with old blood. Nothing to worry about I know, but I can't help it. I really really want it this month. I was devestated that the baby died. I WANT IT BACK.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

10 dpo afternoon

SO I get home and immediately go check my test. OMG OMG OMG, there is a faint second as thick colored line on it!!!!!!! I can't actually use it because it was past the 10 minute time line. So I will test again tomorrow. Heck I'll be testing each day till my first appt! I figure if I am, AF will be due 3/23. So I figure I would call on Tuesday to make the first appt again. I would call on Monday, but I want to call on Tuesday morning when my ob works so the secretary can tell him. Mondays are all day surgery days. Sometimes he checks into the office and sometimes he doesn't. I figure since EVERYONE in the office knew last time I miscarried, that EVERYONE can know when I get a positive this time. I'm skipping my antibiotic tonight cause it turns my pee flourescent yellow and hard to see a faint line as it dyes the test too. I am only skipping my late night dose folks and I am on the highest dose so I don't think taking the one pill late will kill me.

Other news. I was really thrilled with dinner tonight and thinking yum. Cubesteaks with mashed potatoes and gravy. Till I ate it. Blahhhhhhh. Yuckkkkkkkk. Now I wish I hadn't eaten it. I have heartburn and a queasy feeling. In addition, I am getting the worst after taste in my mouth. Not exactly metal. Definitely had that nasty taste last time. Also, my asthma has kicked in. The only time my asthma acts up is when I am sick (cold, bronchitis, URI, etc) or when I am pregnant in the first trimester. My inhaler, I rarely use when not sick. I am not sick, but have been sucking on my inhaler today. If this keeps up, I will be hitting the xopenex by nebulizer. Take the inhaler, 15 minutes later I am fine. I don't mind the queasiness. It reminds me that things are ok. I hope I don't barf on Easter Sunday though. Wouldn't you think my body would be used to it by now???

Still no spotting. This is good. This is the longest I have gone with no spotting since the d&c. It further supports my theory that my ole cervix is sealed up. I am exhausted. I need a nap.

So can anyone give me advice on how not to drive everyone I know crazy when I do get the BFP. My ob, poor man, has been warned. I sent him a thank you card and told him in it, that I know he said not to worry, but I will and can't help it. But at least he is letting me come in for extra heartbeat checks and stuff if I need too. I will try not to drive us both crazy. I have thought about buying a doppler off ebay. However, I am of the fluffy sort. The placentas have ALWAYS implanted anteriorly with me. So the heartbeat is never heard by doppler until 15+ weeks. Well that point, I would be feeling flutters and movement. So it probably wouldn't be worth it. I wish I was like Tom Cruise and go buy my own US machine. I totally don't find any fault with that. If I had the money. I would be buying me one too.

Where are my digital pregnancy tests at???? Ebay needs to hurry up!

10 dpo

Still a BFN. I keep willing a line to show up. Guess my willing it hasn't been enough. I keep imagining a very very faint line there. That's probably my wishful thinking. The test is when DH can see that second line. This morning I was gagging on the way to work a couple of times and have a strange taste in my mouth. As TMI as this is, I had too much saliva which is driving me crazy. Feels vaguely familiar. I was starving this morning too. So I stopped by McDonalds. Bad mistake now that I think about it. I ordered a deluxe breakfast. I am rethinking how I should NOT have eaten the sausage. I also ordered a sweet iced tea. I LOVE sweet iced tea. I threw it out. Not because there was something wrong with it because there wasn't. It was because it was not settling right with me. Still all the same symptoms. My endo is not bugging me yet and it usually is. I am beyond tired. I want to curl up and take a nap. I may do that during lunch. I slept like a rock last night once I finally fell asleep.

The absolute best part is the spotting has STOPPED for now. I am very relieved. I am hoping what I saw as a slight increase this week was implantation bleeding. I am hoping it stopped because of pregnancy and sealing up the ole uterus with a plug. I just pray it doesn't start again.

I should have ordered those tests I ordered last time. They picked up at 10mu. The early ones I have pick up at 20mu. The dollar tree ones pick up at 25mu. My digital ones should be here Thursday or Friday. Very excited about those as I was too cheap to buy them last time. I think I may take a picture of the positive one so I have it if it happens.

I was thinking on my way to work this morning that it would be good signs on this one if I am. Date of ovulation was when my cousin died 18 years ago. It was pretty tragic. We were the same age and only a month apart. My world was ripped apart when he died. I still don't understand why he did what he did (he commited suicide at 15). I still get mad at him because he could have overcome his problems if we had only known he needed help. I look at everything I have and know he will never have that. For me, he will forever be 15. While I have gone and grown up. That makes me sad. So I hope in a way maybe he would send me a little gift. Easter is this weekend. New awakenings and beginnings as is spring. The snow is melting and that makes me sad. I wanted to be pregnant before the snow melted. Here's hoping. So much to look forward to.

My boss wants me to sign us up for a conference in July. I said well I'll save the space, but you can count me out. I intend to be preggo by then. She says she knows and just wants the spots reserved just in case. If I wasn't trying to get preggers, I would go. A week's vacation away from work in the nice city of Denver. I have never been to Denver. Why can't our conferences be at the beach or Disney???

So on to tomorrow's test. It ain't over till the old hag shows up.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008


Ok, I checked the test when I got home and is still BFN. I still really think I am preggo. My bbs are sore and HUGE. I still have my roadmap. Will test again tomorrow.....

Now I feel bad

Well I had a post yesterday about people who get pregnant intentionally and with no insurance, money, leave, etc. One of the girls that has recently became pregnant is miscarrying. I am so sad for her because this is her 3rd miscarriage and her last one happened the exact same way. I feel bad to. I wanted her to have a a healthy and nine months. I just couldn't understand how if you have no insurance you would do this. So say a few prayers for her. Since she doesn't have insurance, she can't go and get testing and see the dr. She knows she is miscarrying because she had several BFP. Then she started bleeding. Now she has taken another test and it is a BFN. Probably a chemical pregnancy again. I sent her an email inviting her to a miscarriage board that has been awesome support for me.


This morning I woke up queasy. Was queasy the whole way into work. I delayed taking the antibiotic to see if that was it. I don't think I can blame my antibiotic right now. I took it at 9pm last night and was queasy at 5am. That's 8 hours after I took it. Boobs were sore this morning and sensitive. Mainly on the top and sides. Still spotting. :( But that hasn't increased or anything so I refuse to worry about it at this point.

Since I was queasy, I decided I needed food and stopped by Mickey D's and got the deluxe breakfast and ate it all at 615 am. I never eat that early. It made me feel better. I'm pretty tired but not sleeping well. I am going to bed early enough but just not falling asleep. I tried taking unisom last night and could not get comfortable. Too hot, too restless, too tired.

Oh and you are wondering about my poas aholic addiction. Of course I peed on a test this morning. I left it on the counter and after 5 minutes there appears to be an extremely extremely extremely faint line. It's very early yet. I will check when I get home. I didn't have to hold it up to the light. I actually stood over it on the bathroom counter and went oh, that could possibly be. Today is 9dpo.

I really think I am preggo. If not I must be going nuts.

Monday, March 17, 2008

I have blue veins

and NO I am NOT imagining it. They are EVERYWHERE. Most prominently on my boobs. Oh and the boobs are starting to feel as big as a porn star. I realized tonight that after the miscarriage that they shrunk. I was left over with lots of stretch marked skin. Tonight, that stretchmarked skin is FILLED IN. It just has to be.

Wouldn't it be a miracle if I got pregnant fast? I am really trying hard not to get my hopes up and get crushed.

I was queasy all day. I tried to attribute it to my antibiotic till I read it was for people who could not tolerate other antibiotics due to nausea. OMG. I wasn't queasy Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. Well a tad bit Sunday night but not much. I ordered a burger and fries from Wendy's and that was it for me. I didn't get past the fries. I am now thinking the burger looks decent after 3 hours.

The girls on my ttc after a loss messageboard are all in a frenzy. There are several of us in the 2 ww convinced hoping that this is it. I have gone overboard and bought 10 more pregnancy tests at the Dollar Store. I'm a nut.

Keep your fingers crossed. Tomorrow is 9dpo. The earliest I ever got a positive was 11 dpo with Peyton.

Can someone please explain this to me?

For all of my babies, I have waited ttc until I had A) good insurance (never has been a problem) B) could afford them C) had paid leave to take off during and after pregnancy.

Can someone PLEASE explain to me why three people that I know have purposely gotten pregnant in the last two months when they did not have insurance, couldn't afford them, or did not have leave? Honestly, I don't get it. Why is it that I lost my baby, when I met the above and these three people still have theirs? I am not begrudging them. I hope they have healthy and happy pregnancies. It just doesn't seem fair. I mean if you have bill collectors threatening to SUE you, wouldn't you think I should take care of this little problem first. OMG, what about health insurance. I could NEVER imagine intentionally trying to have a baby without insurance. Just my perinatologist's visits alone run $500 + and that is the discounted rate that insurance pays. The blood work (course I have extra because of pe), the USs, the dr visits. I don't get it. No, this person is not rich or independently wealthy.

Drives me crazy!

8 dpo

I don't know what to think. I hope I am preggo. I am having symptoms. Today on the way into work it felt like AF was on the way. Then it was gone. Boobs are not sore this morning. However, I am slightly queasy. I am still attributing that to not eating yet and taking my antibiotic. I have been taking this antibiotic since Friday night and havn't been queasy. I have a feeling of being off. I feel bloated.

Took a test this morning. BFN. Since I was running late I couldn't wait to see if it dried. So I left it on the bathroom counter to examine for when I get home this afternoon. You know us POAS aholics will examine them afterwards in the hopes that it will work even though you are not supposed to. LOL.

My boss and I talked this morning. I am going to be treated like glass the next time I get preggo. I told her my dr will be reducing my schedule at the first appt. One day a week work at home. She said to make sure we change the dates when I get a postive test on my work at home plan. She said oh and by the way, you will not be lifting files or anything here. PERFECT cause they are moving our offices in May. LMAO.

I won 2 digital tests on Ebay last night. They ship in 2-3 business days. I hope I have a reason to use it this week.

Apparently, loud mouth coworker was snotty when she found out I was taking time off and calling out. My boss finally got mad and said XXXXX, have you ever lost a baby??? Cause I have and if she needs time, she can have ALL the time that she wants. This further cements that she will find out when I deliver. NO WAY IN HELL WHEN I TELL HER AGAIN. It was so hard coming back to work when she had told everyone here that I was pregnant and then told everyone that I had lost the baby. It wouldn't have been so bad if she had kept her mouth SHUT. Really, the only people I will tell are the Chief and Assistant Chief. That's all who need to know for work purposes. My dr's note for work at home will go directly into my personel file. Because her father passed away, she is now the I need all the sympathy I can get. I understand that her 90 year father has died. Yes she is entitled to sympathy, but she really takes it to a whole new level.

Other news, back to the grind. I was right. It is quiet in here now that my coworker is gone.

Sunday, March 16, 2008


Tomorrow will be the first day without annoying coworker and I will have to step up and do more work now. AGGGGGH. I don't wanna work. I just want to go and obssess and make a baby. Then when I make that baby, I am taking it EASY. The good news is that the office will be quiet! Someone remarked on Friday after she cleared out that the office was quiet. LOL. We don't have to hear about her stinking disfunctional family. I swear this woman didn't get it. Her kids treat her like crap and expect her to pay for everything. One kid is in MA and she says oh mom come down for Easter. Guess what, mom is paying for 20 people to go out for easter dinner. Then she buys groceries to last them awhile. Takes everyone out shopping. Go out to dinner each night. Another kid is planning a birthday party for the dh. Well guess who is paying for everything for that! She is paying for all the kids cell phones, cable, car insurance, cars. The kids are 24-38!!!! Go out and get a damn job. One kid has 3 duis but it is not his fault because he is learning disabled. Excuse me??? Last time I checked drinking and driving is because you are stupid not because you have trouble reading. So very very glad she is gone. Hope she doesn't ruin it at that place to where they don't want me. Don't worry about it, I would ask for the office on the opposite side of the building and private. Right now we have cubes....

Today's highlights:

Did not feel like making dinner. Just not into it and I hate cooking. Dh ran to Super Walmart, picked up a fried chicken dinner for four, served it to everyone including me. It only cost $7. Heck, we'll have fried chicken dinner every night for that price. This is really a big deal. My dh very very rarely makes dinner. EVER.

Made colored eggs with the girls today.

Still have sore, sensitive, and full boobs. Still peeing a bright yellow color every 5 minutes. Started doing very light spotting. Very light. Driving me crazy. GO AWAY. Wierd stomach pain today under breastbone and to the right. Wierd aches and pains in the abdomen area today. Even dh said my boobs were bigger today, but he thinks I am a nut and no way that I could be preggo.

Got Kirsten's dance camisole at Ugggh, No one told me there was so much involved in dance. In the last few days, I have spent a fortune. So far is a list of what I have bought:

shoes - $22
tights - $10
pictures - $18
Tshirt - $13
camisole - $21
and that is only what I can remember. There will be fees for doing her hair because I am not good at that. She has to have french braids. So much for getting her shaggy hair cut. Then I have to go out and buy like 10 different kinds of makeup like body glitter, eye makeup, cheek makeup. I don't even WEAR makeup myself. They have to be a specific color. She has so many appts in April. We have rehersals, pictures, regular dance classes. Plus she is starting Drama Club. This actually saves me money because I can pick her up afterwards and not pay for afternoon adventure.

Why is it that every freaking celebrity is pregnant? Angelina, Jamie Lynn, Minnie Driver, Matt Damon's wife, Halle, Nicole Kidman (ok, she is ok as she has miscarried many times). So not fair.

I keep reading I have the same chance as anyone else. That mine was a freak thing. Blah blah blah. It does reassure me that I will get an early us and will be cutting my work schedule immediately. I know that even my ob keeps telling don't even think for a minute that it is your fault and you did this, I can't help it. Worked too much, took the wrong OTC med, had too many infections. If I had recognized the kidney infection while it was still a UTI, maybe it would have helped, but I kept passing it off as something else. Not next time, I will call and say KIDNEY PAIN.

I keep thinking one month since the baby died. One month. On one hand it seems like it has been an eternity. On the other hand, it seems like yesterday. I know that time is relative. I just wish to get pregnant asap. Then fast forward through 14 weeks. Every twing, pain, ache is going to freak me out. Funny my ob knows I am going to be a quack!

Cranky Cranky Cranky

OMG I AM SO CRANKY. I really just want to throttle someone. Kirsten is driving me crazy. Why is it whenever we go to ANY store it is I want I want I want Mom can I have. Even if I say, Kirsten, do not ask me for anything. She STILL does it and it pisses me off. So I have decided and I told her she will no longer be going to the store with me period because I can't STAND it. It may be because I woke up cranky. Yesterday dh said I was cranky. He said he hates the first few months of pregnancy because I am very cranky. I see that happening now.

Peeing. I am peeing every 15 minutes. Which would be fine except we live in a home that is very typical of where I live, one bathroom and it is upstairs! I do have a very pretty color pee from the macrobid right now, lol.

Having wierd aches and pain right now. It is driving me crazy.

Slight nausea this morning, but eating helped and it could be from the macrobid.

My boobs were definitely sore and sensitive this morning. It woke me up. I have filled out the new bras I bought when pregnant again. I keep looking for blue veins, but I remember those kind of popped out at 11 dpo when I got the positive and was like OMG look at these veins. This is NOT my imagination. Hmmmmm.

My endo pain has not hit yet. I am waiting for it though. If I am not pregnant, my endo pain will be hitting about midweek.

I was thinking if I am pregnant, it will make Easter lunch much better for me. We are going with the inlaws to a country club for brunch. They are treating. Reminds me of at Christmas when I was pregnant and they didn't know. I have not decided when I would tell them. We may tell them early and not anyone cause if I do miscarry again, we would need them to watch the girls. I hate that they all worry about me right now.

Oh and did I mention that when I described what happened after the d&c with the bleeding and the enormous clot he made a face and said oh that must have hurt?? Umm ya think. Dude, should have given me more pain med for that. It was seriously like giving birth. Well he told me it would be bad. Geeez.

The boob thing is getting me. It is always the first sign. In addition to the being tired and peeing. I have been exhausted.

Work would find out after my first appt. I would just bring in a note to immediately start working from home. I know my doc said that it didn't cause the miscarriage. However, I commute two hours a day. Pregnancy is hard enough. With that commute, let me work from home at least one day so I can rest.

I keep taking opks and these babies are negative. So I really think I did "O" that day.

That rule about "o"ing 14 days after miscarriage and d&c is true. Several of the ladies that miscarried after me or the same time are "o" ing. We are hoping for a great big wave of BFP for everyone.

I figured if I did get pregnant, I would be due Dec 1st. However, with my history, would probably deliver around Halloween! A halloween baby how cute. That means dh would take the girls Trick or Treating.

If I am NOT pregnant, I am going to look like such an idiot for thinking all of these signs are it. Keep fingers crossed. Tomorrow is 8 dpo. I will test again. Can't help it and I know it is too early.

Saturday, March 15, 2008


Ok, so I went and started doing some researching. Cause I got these odd symptoms and I am hoping and praying. The rational side says no way too early. The irrational side says it is very possible. Go back and look at your posts before. You were having symptoms at 5 dpo.

So I was thinking about it. I took a pregnancy test. It is a BFN. However, if you hold it to the light and angle it, there is a light light light light light line. Extremely faint and only a POAS aholic would see it. So I started thinking is there HCG in my system. NO. I tested many times last week and still have my dollar test from Friday that is a definite can't even hold it to the light negative. But I used a different test today. I used the early ones off Ebay.

So that sent me off on a quest. 1) how long does it take to fertilize an egg. Answer - 30 minutes for super sperm to 7 days. 2) What does cervical mucous like after ovulation. Answer - becomes sticky and dries up. Mine is going strong but changed from eggwhite to sticky and abundunt. 3) How long does it take to have the fertilized egg implant. Answer 6-12 days. 4) What are the sensitivities of my pregnancy tests. Answer - Dollar store is 25, Ebay is 20. The directions state that it is designed to test for early pregnancy anywhere from 5-15 days after egg fertilization. HMMMMM

Today very light spotting that could be mistaken as implantation bleeding. Symptoms - headachy, fuller boobs, blue veins (still unsure but I am pretty sure they went away after the d&c), tired, sensitive boobs.

So answers. Ovulated on Sunday. Egg was waiting cause I know when the egg released. DTD after egg released by a couple of hours. Egg fertilized right away cause I helped them by putting the pillow under my butt. Implantation today. My urine was extremely concentrated this morning too.

My mind is working overtime. I think I may cry if it is true. I have decided to go and test every single day now to see if there is a line. If it doesn't work, well I'll just go buy more on Ebay. If it does, I have a digital I am bidding on on Ebay. If it did work, I'll call my ob's office on the 24th. HOLY COW. Keep your fingers crossed.

Course if this didn't work, I have just made a big ass out of myself.

My mother, do you want her???

My mother and I have NEVER been close. I am the complete opposite of her. When growing up I was more the parent than the child. We have never shared secrets. I tell her what I want her to know. I am still pissed off at her when we told her our news she treated me like I was 15 and said WAS THIS PLANNED? What difference did it make. It was a baby that was coming. Whether it was planned or not had no bearing and I told her so. I didn't speak to her for several weeks. Then the Monday before I found out, I finally picked up the phone and called her. It was ok.

That conversation now stings seeing we lost the baby. I didn't call any of my family. I have no idea what he said. He called my mother and told her the baby had no heartbeat. My mother refuses refuses to give me my space. Once again she is making assumptions. She immediately told my dh that I needed to see a pyschiatrist!!! WTF? I have decided that I don't need to speak to her right now because she is guaranteed to make me angry. I'm not comfortable discussing this with her and it will not be discussed with her.

So what does she do? She goes and enlists the help of my inlaws who don't know how to mind their own business when it comes to my mom. They feel sorry for her. They have no idea what and how my childhood was like. I make absolutely sure I am the complete opposite with my girls. So my inlaws stop by. Your mother called us today. She is very worried. We are worried. You need to call her. I told them it was not up for discussion and I don't want to talk with her right now. The conversation was dropped. I did tell them that I saw my ob yesterday and he said I was ok. If my ob has not certified me as loony tune yet, then neither can my mother or inlaws.

GEEZ, it has only been 3 1/2 weeks. Give me my space. Let me talk with those that I know will say the right things and care. I have discussed this very little with people irl. I have found a bunch of solace and understanding among internet groups that are geared for pregnancy and infant loss. That is fine with me. I have met some truly wonderful and inspiring people. One girl. Love her. Instant friends. She has had three miscarriages and 6 live children. She has had two miscarriages in a row. Last one being last month. She told one girl who was very low that day that she couldn't lose hope. She needed to hold on to that. If she lost hope, then she would pick it up and hope for her. How beautiful is that?? My mother does not understand that or me. Never has. Give me space mom and when I am ready I will pick up the phone and call you. Of course now she is going to be playing the poor me syndrome. Then if she finds out I am pregnant again (when that happens), she will be calling me every single freaking day and driving me nuts.

Those that I want to talk to about it, I know who they are, they know who they are. I hate that people sit there and try and tell me how to feel, think, or do. To me, I lost a child. It was a child before it was ever conceived for me. You don't forget about a child that quick. I wouldn't ask them to forget about dad or grandpa that passed away. The only difference is that I never got to hold my baby, I never got to see my baby, and I don't have those memories of the baby that they do. At least they have something to hold onto. All I have is 13 1/2 beautiful weeks.

6 dpo

I am really thinking I am imagining things. I'm tired. Last week I was plain exhausted. I attributed it to the blood loss though. Today I slept all night really well and I am contemplating a nap. My boobs are sore, more than 2 days ago, and sensitive. I am filling out the bra that I bought when pregnant. It was so disheartening when everything deflated immediately afterwards. I went into the hospital obviously pregnant. Bigger boobs. The next day, no boobs. A smaller belly. Not small enough to fit in my old jeans well, but too small for maternity. I am peeing constantly. More now than the last two weeks. I am trying to blame that on the kidney infection. However, I have had it for 6 weeks now. So can I really blame it on that? Oh I really really hope that it worked. I hope and pray that this baby sticks. I would hate hate to miscarry again. I hope my mind is not playing tricks on me. No nausea yet.

I couldn't find my enteric low dose aspirin last night, so I had to take the yucky baby aspirin. Next time I go to the store, I'll buy some. I forgot to have my ob write a rx for prenatals so that I can write it off my FSA. I think I have enough to last me if I do get preggo.

I just got done writing thank you cards to my ob and the two ob nurses that took care of me. I am so happy that my ob is writing me out of work at the first appt part time. Even one day a week will go far to reassure me, plus save on gas. I am especially happy that I will get an early US. One for dating purposes and two because I will actually HEAR and SEE the heartbeat on US. Plus I will get pics!!!! YEAH.

Took a pregnancy test this morning. BFN. I know I know it's too early, but a girl can hope right? Next test will be at 9dpo on Tuesday morning. That is the earliest that it will show up. Plus, I can say see look here are two negative tests to prove it. One done on this day and the other done on this day. I don't want the midwife to say that it is leftover hormones. I thought about the questions if it happens that the receptionist will ask. So, when was your last period? ummm Nov 17th. You are just now calling. No I miscarried at 13 1/2 weeks and had a d&c on 2/22. I had negative tests. Now I have a positive. J will flip if she is the one to take the call and go announce to everyone in the office. Probably as soon as my ob would show after seeing a patient, guess who just called. LOL.

I am going to be crushed if it didn't work. I will go on for the next month. I really think I did ovulate because I had a dark line and had ovulation symptoms. You know I somehow wonder if there wasn't a sign. I had such heavy bleeding on that Thurs, Friday, and Saturday afternoon that I really thought my opportunity was gone. Cause no way would I do that with bleeding. Once that clot passed. NOTHING. It was like the window opened and I took the chance. My friends IRL and Sara's daycare teacher were furious that I would try so soon. They said let your body heal. I disagree. If the baby is ready to implant, it will. If not, then I will have an early miscarriage and no one but me, dh, and my dr would know. Ok, you guys would know cause I wouldn't leave you in the dark. Plus, I believe in that your body will remember it was pregnant and may take better this time. In addition, the old boy girl sperm theories. We have always tried, before, during, and after ovulation. This time there was only the day of ovulation. That is what you are supposed to do for a boy. So maybe someone higher is looking out for us. If my ob didn't scold me, then they shouldn't either. He wasn't even disappointed and was happy for me. So, if he can be happy and HE has to be the one to deal with me, then everyone else should too.

I researched it. There are just as many happy stories of successes as there are for a miscarriage.

Tonight, Kirsten goes to a friend's house. We are going to watch Horton Hears a Whoo. Sara is so excited. It is a crappy day outside. Dh and I will have the house to ourselves tonight after 730 cause Sara conks out early with no nap.

Next weekend my inlaws are treating us for brunch at a country club. Which means tomorrow I get to go and buy the girls Easter dresses. I was not planning that, but oh well. I want to find one that matches the pretty pink shoes I got Sara for Christmas.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Post Appointment

I just hate that term. Post partum appt would be better. Well I had my post op appt today. Let me tell you how hard it was to go to that appointment. Well this is what happened:

Ugggh that was so freaking hard. Wouldn't you know I got to sit outside in the waiting room for 25 minutes with young pregnant teenaged girls with NO insurance. Plus another woman had her baby with her and was being annoying loud. The nurse called me back 10 minutes after waiting and then I had to go back to the waiting room because an exam room was not available. GRRRRRR. I was glad I brought contract with me to review so I had something to do. Then I heard my dr say no, bring her back. I'll take her last. Guess who was last. I guess that was because he wanted to spend time talking.

So there is nothing that came back from pathology. Baby was normal. Still don't know gender. Not sure why as he sent the baby to pathology. So most likely maternal infection was the cause. He told me don't beat myself up over it. He asked about the bleeding and I told him what happened. He said it sounded like that one large clot was clogging everything up and that's why it was pretty much over with with pain and bleeding when it passed.

Told him I didn't wait three months. OOOPs. Told him I ovulated on Sunday and he said ohhh maybe it worked. He was happy about that. I told him well I am not getting younger in age and do not need the additional risks of advanced maternal age hanging over my head. He told me it was just a number and I am worrying too much! I told him that I read you are really fertile afterwards. Well it was easy to concieve my kids. 2 times was a first try and Sara was a second try. I'll probably end up with twins.

He told me to go ahead and start low dose aspirin now. He started me on macrobid to get rid of this stinking kidney infection that has been here for 6 weeks. I am now on round three of antibiotics. He said it was a good antibiotics for kidneys because something about as it filters through the kidneys it wouldbe half antibiotic and half urine. He said this should take care of it and I am probably "used" to the augmentin he prescribed last time and it was resistant to Ampicillian that my pcp had prescribed. Call back in a week if it is not gone.

He is authorizing an early US at the hospital. If the midwife gives me a problem, tell her to discuss with him. It's ok to reassure me. He is authorizing me at 5 weeks to start work from home part time in an effort to prevent my bps from going up. But he told me do not think for one minute that me working too much caused this. It was just one of those things.

He is checking into the billing issue and make sure that I am not charged the extra copays. I told him I had talked with the billing clerk and she was not helpful. He said they have to charge for each office visit up to 4 visits.That was about it. He said I hope I see you back in here really really soon. I said me too. No twins. He laughed and said his neice is due with twins in June or July. I said well I havn't carried one past 36 weeks, so one is fine with me. He said well if you get twins that puts you in a totally different category. Let me guess immediate ship to the local children's hospital. I just need one good one that sticks. He laughed. I went up to the front and he brought me the rx and that was it.

He agreed to let me come in for extra heartbeat checks and he agreed to let me come in before peri appts for a heartbeat check. That way I don't have to do a 90 mile round trip just to get the news I got last time. He said no problem.

I am glad that he has agreed to everything that I wanted. He kind of hedged on the work at home thing, but I told him that my pressures had already started going up and I wanted to make sure that I prevent them from going up. I would rather prevent than react. He agreed with that. He just wanted to make sure that I was not blaming myself. Even though I know in my head and my heart it wasn't my fault. I can't help but let the irrational thoughts pop in that somehow I did this. If I hadn't of gotten the flu. If I hadn't of let a UTI become a raging kidney infection. I keep telling myself one step at a time and it was not my fault.

I left the appt sad today. Today would have been my 16 1/2 week appt. It would have been awful to find out at that appt. I am still feeling blue. I wonder if I really did ovulate and catch the egg. It seems everyone around me is getting BFP. I was so so badly for it to be me.

My blog is a year old already!

I missed saying Happy Birthday. My first post was 2/18/07. It's amazing what can happen in year and that gives me hope!

5 dpo

OH CRAP, I went back and reread my posts from when I was pregnant before on my June Babies 2005 board and I have it all wrong. I posted on Dec 6 at 10:38am that I had been walking by my boss's desk when a wave of nausea hit. I said that I had been going to bed at 8pm even though I was trying my hardest to stay awake. This was at 5dpo. I had posted on my loss board and they said no way, too early.BUT according to the last time, SOMETHING was going on. If my levels only went to 4 or 5 hcg (had very negative tests last week), then it is POSSIBLE. I thought I was 6dpo not 5!

Today slightly nauseated, but I am thinking it is me. Boobs are not as sore. They are definitely more fuller as my bra is definitely more tighter. I am headachy. I am exhausted. Although I took two days off from work and slept all day. I really think it is my head playing games on me because I want it so bad. It could be from the blood bath on Thurs-Sat.

Last week was complete negatives, no chance of even a line showing not even in the light. Not even at an angle.

This morning I took a dollar store test oh for the heck of it. It is still negative, however, if you shined it into the light really good and really examined it. There may may possibly be a line there. You have to do it an angle. I was thinking, since I was JUST pregnant. I had definite no way in the world tests that were negative. Say I started off at 4 hcg. Then it would double to 8 in a day or so. Then 16 in another two days. So it is possible to get an early BFP and in less time because before I started off at zero. So I am estatic at the possibilities. So I will test again on Sunday. I hope my dollar store has more pregnancy tests. I am checking tonight after my appt before I get Sara from daycare.

My day was ruined because my coworker is here. DAMN. Thought she would be gone today. I was hoping cause all she does is RUN HER MOUTH all the time and it sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me. Oh and I am very irritable today. So stay away. Very cranky. I am still spotting. GO AWAY SPOTTING.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

So I am waiting. Did I ovulate? Could it have happened? I am having some wierd symptoms. Wierd pains in my abdomen. Then even worse is slightly sore boobs. The only time I have ever had sore boobs is when I was pregnant. No nausea or anything yet. I am tired but not exhausted. Course that could still be part of the physical recovering that I am going through and from losing so much blood last weekend. I am perplexed by sore boobs. I had sore boobs before a positive test last time, but it was like at 9-10 dpo. I wonder if me just being pregnant and your body recognizes it right away and therefore symptoms start back up quicker. I know HCG isn't made till 5-7 dpo, but I had symptoms at 6 dpo last time as well.

I remember when I was pregnant with Kirsten. I was in the 2 week wait. I was complaining that I had been exhausted and going to bed pretty much when I got home. I had been doing this for the last week. A friend that was a nurse said I think you are pregnant. I said NAHHHH. I thought it really couldn't happen the first time right. Sure enough she was right and a few days later I tested positive on the test.

So I have some sore boobs. I am trying really really hard not to get my hopes up. I just don't want my hopes dashed. This would be fabulous and I pray that it worked. I would love to call my ob's office and say preggo girl.

Or maybe it is all in my head.

We have decided to go and see Horton hears a Whoo this weekend. Oh and my coworker is finally gone. YEAHHHHHH!

Skipping out of work again....

Sigh, when I woke up this morning, I thought there is no way I can deal with coworker's luncheon today or coworker. It's a reminder of what I lost or maybe not, I am not sure. Back in January I was offered a FABULOUS job opportunity. It would be another 12k in pay, have my own office, they would do anything basically to get me, they didn't care I was pregnant. I turned it down. Not once, but three times. The reason I turned it down was I was worried about the baby. My current job, I can do that with my eyes closed and not think twice about it. I know the procedures. I know the rules. I was so worried about stress. I didn't want to put anymore stress on me than possible. So they asked me if I would come in October. Of course I said. I figured Peyton would be a July baby as I have never made it past 36 weeks. That would give me plenty of time to be with the baby.

Now I don't know where that stands. The job is not out yet. They were going to readvertise and intentionally stretch the times. I guess I could transfer on leave. It's as long as I am on a leave status that is a pay status. They don't know yet, but I am sure coworker will blab when she gets there.

So I called out today because I knew if I said I didn't want to go to the lucheon they would cajole me. I am taking the advise that I don't have to do everything and be everyone. That it is ok to say no. That it is ok to say I am not ready for this yet. I still don't want to deal with large crowds or lots of people. I can't handle it. We have been doing takeout occasionally because of me. Yes I am doing some of the basic motions, picking the girls up from school, doing dance, doing Girl Scouts, etc. I am just not into doing luncheons, parties or anything else. So I called out. My boss is like it has been three weeks and I can tell you still havn't physically recovered. So she won't say anything about it.

I cleaned our kitchen today. It was disgusting. Lori, you need to come help me girl!!!! I had only been doing the basics while pregnant. Then dh took over for the last three weeks. OMG. This man just moves stuff around. The floor, he said THAT was clean. HAH. So it got a nice cleaning today. The rest of the downstairs is next. Then the upstairs this weekend. Once it warms up or maybe even before, all of the carpets are getting steam cleaned. Sara spills everywhere and no matter how many times we tell her in the kitchen, it doesn't happen.

This weekend, we will be making colored easter eggs, cookies, and I have to do my state inspection on my car since it is expired. We wait to see if the egg took for us. I hope hope hope to have an easter surprise. That would be a one in a million chance. Of course, it was a one in a million chance to lose a baby in the second trimester too.

I am still SHOCKED it happened to me. I mean how could it? I about fell off the exam table when she told me there was no heartbeat. Why is it that I am always asked when I am asked who is your dr? That other providers and drs always ask, are you sure? Do you always see him? Or are you a midwife patient? Hello do I look like a midwife patient with my history. NO. I ALWAYS SEE HIM. He is the one I trust. Why is that so hard to figure out. Was my papers and referral written by the midwife. Umm no, it was written by my dr. The only appt I will have with the midwives is at 5 weeks and if he is gone on vacation.

I still don't want to go tomorrow. I don't know why I am so leary. I don't know why I am so scared. It's just a post op appt. But it is a post op appt on my baby that died. Some days I wonder how I will ever go through the day. Today is easier than the first day. I cried for 4-5 days nonstop. I didn't get out of bed literally. I have never been like that. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually it will lead me to the path into the sunlight. I keep thinking I am very lucky. I know I can conceive fast. I have two very successful pregnancies. It can be done. My chances of miscarriage are the same as any other woman.

Let's hope that I am the 18th woman on my June board to be knocked up.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I'm a yoyo

I hate being a yoyo. My mood literally changes in seconds. This morning I was bummed because I was spotting more. Then tonight, NOTHING. So my mood got better. So I guess that is a good thing and maybe it is from DTD Monday night. There was a ton of cervical mucous too like it was right after with Peyton. I can honestly say I have no idea if I ovulated on Sunday. I think I did, but not sure. It is driving me crazy. I keep thinking in 2 weeks we will know one way or another. I hope that I did. I hope that the baby sticks. Just because I don't want to have to keep doing this each month.

I did a search on when the mucous plug forms. It forms about 5-10 days into pregnancy. When the fertilized egg gets into the ueterus and burrows in the, the cervix is closed with a mucous plug. I am such a nerd. I guess I wanted to know in case of still spotting. I was reading everything I could about pregnancy. I keep thinking are the boobs bigger today? If anyone out there is reading this and laughing, I had total symptoms at 6 dpo, so there. I was nauseated when I went into a meeting. I had bigger boobs that were sensitive and down right sore by the time I tested positive. Then I noticed big blue veins two days before I tested. So it DOES happen. I am still wearing the bigger bra even though the boobs deflated immediately, like within a day of the d&c. Ok, I am just trying to keep my spirits up. I know that they say you are extra fertile after miscarriage. Well then I should be super duper fertile then. Knowing God, he would give me sextuplets or something crazy like that.

I wish you could know immediately. I know, if you go back to our parents, you would have to kill a rabbit and be 8 weeks along right. I wonder when my endo symptoms are going to come in. I am really worried about that. Course last week it felt like labor. I love my ob, but as much as I love him, he needs to order pain meds. I think the only time he has ordered pain meds was when I had this last d&c. Imagine my shock when the nurse came in and said my dr ordered demerol. Hell yeah, give it up. I got it twice before I left. Oh and I got Toradol too. Toradol is an awesome drug and I don't know why people don't like it. I was shocked that he ordered demerol cause he doesn't like to share. That's why my pcp orders pain meds for endo. She said if he wouldn't she would. We worked out a pain management plan and I stick to it. I have NEVER deviated from it. One bottle lasts me months as I only take it during periods. Which if this egg catching thing doesn't work, I'll be worried sick about the first period. That's why I am hoping.

I just flip flop back and forth so darned much. My feelings are one minute lowest of the low. Then the next minute very hopeful. This must be what people who are bipolar must feel like. I got my other book today. It is Empty Arms. I am not particularly overly religious. However, it is a pretty good book. You think Gosh if this happened to a pastor and his wife, it can happen to anyone. It proves bad things happen to good people. It has a lot of good advice. I can say after the next healthy baby is born, I am DONE. I can not go through this again and again. My uterus is coming out. I did think with this last surgery that I was not going to say I won't be in here anytime soon cause honestly I really thought that the last time and the time before that.

I am still dreading my postop appt. on Friday.

No motivation

I have absolutely no motivation at work right now. All I think about is when can I get pregnant again and what time is it and when will I go home. I hate that. I do say that when I work from home, I work much better. I have time scheduled on Friday afternoon and Saturday to do some work because I am so far behind. It was the worst time to go out for a week and a half.

Today was a sad day. I just can't shake it. I am fairly certain I ovulated on Sunday afternoon. I am also just as fairly certain we didn't catch the egg. I am still spotting and I want it to GOOOOO AWAYYYYYYY. I wonder if you can get pregnant while still spotting. Internet searches turn up as yes.

Tomorrow is coworker's going away lunch. I don't want to go but have to Not looking forward to that.

Kirsten has to get an xray today. This will be my first time back in the hospital since I was there last. I will have to go through the same front doors. That sucks. I will be answering I don't know if they ask me if I am pregnant, so Kirsten will be getting the xray on her own. It's just an abdominal one, nothing bad. The hospital is also right across the street from my ob's office, so I'll be seeing that again.

I think I may have a uterine infection, but I am not sure. Since yesterday I have noticed a "smell". Ok way too much information. I'm not sure about pain, nothing bad, a few aches here and there. According to three of my drs (pcp, ortho, and endo specialist), I have a high tolerance of pain. Which explains why I didn't get into the dr on time when I had a kidney infection. I will be mentioning this on Friday when I see my ob. I hope he doesn't want to smell it. Do they do that? That's gross. I am hoping to not be put through an exam, but everywhere I read you are at this type of appt. I have had some stomach and back pain since yesterday. However, compared to last week, these are NOTHING. So I don't know what to think. I don't think the 7 days of antibiotics were enough. When I had a uterine infection after Sara, I was on massive antibiotics. Iv, and then 2 weeks of 2 different kinds. Besides my dr is off today. I'll have to check my temp tonight and tomorrow. Oh yeah and there is a mucousy discharge to go with the spotting, lots of it. It has just been a real treat dealing with this.

All I think about is when. When will we get a precious baby again. This sucks. I was totally enjoying pregnancy for the first time. I had just the right amount of sickness. Got through the first trimester and no heartbeat. There are worse things. I could have infertility problems. I could have delivered a stillborn baby. Could have had a baby with massive defects. I did an internet search of pregnancy after a d&c. There were tons of women that were pregnant within 2-3 weeks. I am like why can't that be me??? Mine always takes forever to recover.

I still want to go home and pull the covers over my head.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


So I finished the book Empty Cradle Broken Hearts. I have a feeling I will be looking at several more times for reference in the next few months. One particular paragraph brought a particular image in my mind. I have been with my ob's practice for over 4 years now. In four years, I have had one high risk hair raising pregnancy with severe pih and an early emergency induction at 35 weeks 5 days, a miscarriage at 13 1/2 weeks, 2 D&Cs, one lap with lysis of adhesions, and one lap. OMG that is a LOT to go through in 4 years!!!! No wonder my ob's office knows who the heck I am. There have been great days, there have been very very sad days. I think my ob has been there on the happiest days and also the worst days. I always thought of him as my dr. Just a dr. I guess never like they are human too.

I have an image in my mind. Something I will never forget. My ob's office is in a building right across from the hospital. The parking lot is always crowded. The way the office is arranged is you go in. You enter into the waiting room. To the left of the waiting room is a hallwaythat wraps around like an L. But flip it around so that the short part of the L is on top. There is an exam room. Another exam room. He ALWAYS uses these two exam rooms. Never any of the others. The others are used by the midwives and NP. Then it is my OB's office. His office is directly at the end of the hall leading to the big L. Then another two exam rooms. Then the Midwife's office. Another exam room, and then you are in the little L part. That has the other Midwife's office and an exam room. My ob's office sees out to the parking lot. There is a little rectangular window. My car was parked in the first row of spaces parked directly outside of this window. Through my tears as I was leaving. I saw him watch me put Sara into the car and then he quickly turned away. Through the window, I could see him sighing as if it was a bad day and taking a moment. It was then that I realized that drs are human too. That as sad as I was about loosing the baby, he was sad too. Unfortunately, for him, he had to be the bigger guy and do the deed. I am still eternally grateful that he authorized me to be knocked out in the hallway. I would not have wanted memories of actually being in the OR.

Now I have to go to this post op appt on Friday. I am DREADING this appt. I don't want the nurses to ask me how I am doing. I don't want them to take my bp, although they asked me if it was ok the last time. When I came in from the peri's office the nurse wanted to take my bp. I told her absolutely not and to get that thing away from me. It made me wonder if they documented it in my file and that's why the nurse asked if it was ok. I don't want anyone at the office to tell me how sorry they are cause absolutely no one is sorrier than me. We had planned for this baby. We loved this baby before it was even conceived and died. My worse thought was what if I had a baby in the NICU. Now my worse thought for the next one will be will it even have a heartbeat. I don't want any of the nurses to tell me it's hard. I know exactly how hard it is. I don't want anyone staring at me through the window like last time. I tried so hard to not lose it in the waiting room. Even seeing the pregnant women in there. I noticed a new receptionist staring hard and then trying not to stare. Maybe it was because the last time I had been there, I had to pick up a rx from my dr cutting back my work schedule. When I arrived, I had to pee so bad. So I asked if I could use the bathroom. They said yes, as I walking to the bathroom she said no need to leave a urine sample this time. How true that was because that was probably the day that my baby died. I don't want my dr or the nurses to ask me how I feel. The truth is I can feel ok one minute and be desparately sad the next. How am I supposed to feel. I want to say this sucks, this is awful. Truth is I will probably say ok. I think about if my dr asks if I am sexually active yet. Umm hell yeah. We got on that train immediately. I don't want an exam. Have I not been through enough? I just don't want to go. However, I do want to know if he sent the baby to pathology like I asked. I really hope he did. I would want to know if there was something wrong with the baby. Maybe if there was a chromosome defect, I can say, ok, this baby just wasn't meant to be in this world. But what if there was no reason and we are left with maternal infection? I want to get a urine test to make sure the kidney infection is gone, but I am not convinced. I don't want to be asked about my emotional state because I don't want to talk about it. I just really really don't want to go. I don't want to have to deal with it. If there are pathology results, just send me them to me in the mail. I'll go because it needs to be done. I know that Debbie who is the office manager will hound me down to come in. She hounded me last year for my annual exam. I was going to postpone it because I had just had knee surgery. Debbie called me FOUR times to remind me that I needed to come in for it. I have NEVER missed an appt at my ob's office so I am not sure why she called. I am still pissed off at the billing clerk. Sorry but she is such a bitch. I am going to discuss this with my ob. I shouldn't have to spend three days to get a referral. I shouldn't have to jump through hoops. I shouldn't have had to have my insurance company call her and tell her that it's needed. Quite frankly, she should just do her job. I am going to ask my ob if he will be charging me the copays on all those appts. That would be the ULTIMATE salt in the wound. I had already paid my copay for pregnancy. I shouldn't have to have more punishment in paying for all my ob appts because I lost the baby.

I dread going into my pcp's office. I know how happy they were that we were pregnant and they celebrated with us. I know how sad that they were to find out the baby was gone. I just can't go in right now. It represents the maternal infection cause I was in the office every week because I was so sick. I just can't bring myself to go back right now. I figure I will send dh to do it.

Life keeps going on, but mine feels like an eternity. I have hope that I will be pregnant very soon. Very soon seems like an eternity when everyone else's life is going on. I wonder if the one night one time was enough to get pregnant again. Everything was lined up right for it. If so, I would be due Nov 30th. Which for me would mean a halloween baby. If it didn't work, the next due date would likely be Dec 28th. A christmas baby. Wouldn't that be nice.

I look at calendars and wonder when. I wonder how many weeks I will be when in the next pregnancy. I wonder how I will react at the first US because I am insisting on an early one. I don't think my ob will say no. I think how I will react at the first appt. Will I cry when I hear the heartbeat for the first time? I wonder if I feel deadened in some way so that I don't get so attached. I wonder at so many things. I often think about when I was in the peri's office and she said there was no heartbeat. It's so painful I try and block it out of my mind.

Ok I am done rambling now.