15 days

15 days since I had surgery to have the baby removed. I guess I am luckier than most in that I have an awesome caring dr that took this hard as well. I an really saddened by the lack of support of women here. No information from the hospital except that stupid study that I would not qualify for anyway. I have been doing a lot of thinking. It has taken me two weeks to find support through online message boards and reading different websites. I would like to put together something for the hospital to give out. It doesn't seem fair that they get to keep my baby and I got nothing. Not even a stinking teddy bear. Funny I have had three other surgeries with my dr and I got paperwork for those surgeries. The only thing I got this time was a discharge instruction sheet.

I figure it would only take me a couple of hours to put together a list of websites, messageboards, FAQs, and some suggested reading. I would also like to put together a list for the nurses of what to say and what NOT to say as well. I wish someone had done that for me. If it could help someone slightly with the pain, I am all for it. Plus it only costs me my time. I sent an email last night to the nurse manager about my experience. Most of it positive. I did mention the nurse who talked with me about that dumb study and her calling my baby an embryo. Hopefully if she responds back to me by email, I can suggest possibly doing the above. All it would cost the hospital is the paper to copy it on. I would make it short enough to read over, but long enough they could get the information needed. It would be the least that I could do. I think I will ask my ob about this as well and see if he can use it for his office as well. They are so busy I am sure they don't have the time to do it. I am sure that they don't have so many of these. I guess most miscarriages happen naturally or in the first trimester. Lucky me to have a second trimester miscarriage.

I figure (ok, hoping like crazy) that this bleeding ends by my appt next week. From what I understand, an exam will be done to make sure everything has gone back to normal. I am NOT looking forward to that. Bad enough that I lost the baby. Now I am going to have to have THAT exam. Then I will get to do it all over again in a couple of months. Life is so unfair.

I took another pregnancy test this morning. It is a definite negative. The ones before had slight faint line when dried but not when wet. This means my levels are less than 20. Hopefully they will be less than 5 by next week. Then I will ovulate within 14 days. So I am hoping hoping hoping that I ovulate in 2 weeks. Gives me some hope and something to look forward too. Seeing that I am super nerd and bought 90 ovulation tests, I am definitely hoping to catch that egg. I can test three times a day for a month if needed. J/K. Just don't let me ovulate while dh is gone on his business trip. Knowing my luck that would happen. He is supposed to leave on the morning of the 24th and return on the 28th. Kirsten's birthday is the 27th. He has figured out that he can leave at 1pm on the 27th, however, they are short a vehicle. If he can't get a vehicle or can't get someone to take theirs, then he will have to wait for his boss to get done. So he thinks he can arrange it for someone to take their car so he and another guy can leave.

I hate that I have to start this process all over again. I had such great memories of the last time because I THOUGHT it was the last time, kwim. I had it documented when we were going to DTD, when I ovulated, when we got a positive test, first heartbeat. Now, I want to document. I am afraid to say for the last time because what if it happens again? Everything that I have read say the stats are in my favor. My ob says the stats are in my favor. Two healthy children, first miscarriage. It is no more a higher risk than the general population. That's what they say about pe too. It wasn't likely to happen again. I just have to make sure that once my ob agrees to a reduced work schedule immediately after a test and an early US that he DOCUMENTS it in my file so that the midwife will know at the first appt. She is really a good person and knows for healthy pregnancies what she is doing. I am still thrown off that she said I could see her for my next appt or my ob whoever I was comfortable with. Hello, I am going for the MD on this one. I'm comfortable with both, but prefer him. I am going to ask him if I should call and get the note from him. We know my bp is going to go up with the stress of commuting. I just prefer to go ahead and get this taken care of. I don't think I will be getting much of a fight at work seeing I LOST the baby. I mean how can you justify the chief of finance being out for 18 months for a healthy pregnancy with a live baby and deny the woman that lost hers? The good news is that I am not the lowest on the totem pole anymore. I have to get used to that. For so long I was the lowest paygrade in the office. Now from the sounds of it, I will be one of the top three in the office behind the chief and assistant chief. FABULOUS. I think we are hiring two interns. Which means I get to train them. Oh and we got a guy coming back from Korea in September.

THREE women on my June babies board announced they were pregnant this week. I am very happy for them. Honestly. It's just that I want to join that little club too, you know. One was upset because it was an oopsie. She was happy but worried. I worry about the time of year for me to get pregnant. If it happened this month, baby would be coming in the middle of flu and rsv season. Baby is likely to be delivered at 35-36 weeks based on my history. I worry about bringing a premature baby home and then putting them in daycare. I figure if I have a December/January due date that I would be keeping the baby at home till March when things have cooled down. I also realized that I am not prepared for being hugely pregnant in fall winter. I was prepared for summer though. That was the greatest thing, being hugely pregnant in the summer with swollen feet, I could wear flip flops. Can't do that in the winter in NY. November/December/January are prime time for flu/sinus infections/bronchitis for me. What if I get sick again and maternal infection kills the baby. Again I guess this is something to discuss with my ob. Maybe if I go out oh say in September full time work at home and am not in the office, I would not be as sick. People at my work think NOTHING of coming in with the flu, colds, viruses and then they touch everything and get you sick. One girl that sits right by me does this all the time!!! She even says, well I figure if I got it everyone else should too. This is devestating to my immune system.

Oh so much to think about and do. I think this summer while dh is away, I am going to do some online scrapbooking. I have about a 1000 pictures of my girls that I have not gotten developed yet. I know BAD MOM. Sara LOVES posing for the camera. Now that the weekend is here, we will be flash forwarding to Monday. That will make the time go by a tad bit faster.

Ok rambling here. Gotta go.