Tuesday, March 4, 2008

I made it through!!!

I made it through without crying at work. No one in my office said a word to me. I was given no work and well I didn't do any work either. First order of business was getting the glaring black numbered weeks off my calendar. I whited out each one. Now you can't hardly notice it. Then I spent time staring at my one calendar and decided when I would be due based on O dates. How sad. All I thought all day is when am I going to O, when are the tests going to turn negative, when will the bleeding stop. Well I have a negative pregnancy test. So that is exciting. That means I'll O soon. The bleeding picked up today and was quite a bit heavier, so I am hoping that is ending too. I have read it picks up before it finally ends.

Of course none of my stinking passwords worked and were all expired. The computer guy that helped me is kind of close. We were sitting at his desk so he could go in remotely to my accounts. He asked how I was physically doing, did the girls know. I had to look away a couple of times and blink back tears, but I got through it. Pretty much everyone avoided me like the plague. I was the first to leave and you could cut the tension like a knife. Of course, as soon as I got out the gates in my car, I burst into tears. That is ok though cause I had 45 minutes to get it out on the way home. So many times today, I just wished and wished that I could be home and could juwst pull the covers over my head. I visited the loss and ttc after a loss boards constantly today. I couldn't help it. But it could be worse. It could be the day that they told me and the day that I had the D&C all over again. Those were the two worst days of my life. I got past those and survived when I didn't think I would. One foot in front of the other and I will be ok. I just have to keep remembering that as time passes.

Other news - NEGATIVE PREGNANCY TEST!!!!! What does this mean? It means my levels are now less than 25 and rapidly dropping. From what I read on the internet, minimum HCG levels at 13 weeks is 13300. So 13300 to less than 25 in 12 days is awesome. It means I will ovulate soon (God willing). I also took an ovulation test and that was negative too. I am going to start testing each day. Now if my ebay tests would show up. I would be a happy camper. I am going to go online again tonight and buy more. I don't think it will happen the first time. If it does, when I deliver, I will give them free of charge to anyone in need!

I never realized how exhausting a miscarriage and d&c are for women. I am exhausted and getting ready to take a short nap before getting Sara. My boss asked me if I was tired when I was left. I must have looked it for her to ask, but yes exhausted. I have decided today that if I get pregnant and am puking again, please reming that I want that and tell me it is the greatest thing in the world. I had nausea with Peyton and Kirsten, but never ever as bad as it was with Sara.

I was thinking about my upcoming post op appt. I am sooooo tempted to cancel it. I would rather just not deal with it. Don't worry, I won't cancel it. But it doesn't mean I have to be happy about it. Especially when I found out today that pelvic exams are usually done to make sure your uterus is shrinking. WHAT. Another exam. That is not cool. UGGGH.

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