Saturday, July 26, 2008

Samples EVERYWHERE!!!!!!

Why is it when I was pregnant with Sara and WANTED all the baby samples I could get that they were few and far between? Yet, we lose our baby at the beginning of the second trimester (had registered the week before because I thought I was "safe") and we continue to get bombarded with congratulations emails/letters/samples? Seriously, it started a couple of weeks ago. The first to arrive was Similac samples and checks. I got two full cans and 4 checks for $5 off. After the shock wore off, I checked expiration dates and will just save for this baby. Then there were diaper samples from Pampers and Huggies. Today, I checked the mail and thought WHEW safe. Our settlement paperwork came in today (hooray!!!!). Anyway, I had to take Kirsten to a skating event for Girl Scouts. I pull into the driveway and what do I see on the porch. Not one, by TWO samples of enfamil formula. I have tried to get off the lists. I have even tried erasing the registrations by reregistering for the new baby as a secondary attack to stop the onslaught. Has not worked yet! Checked the expiration date. Put it away for the new baby. I give in. I just wish dh was here to check the stupid mail. He would hide this crap for me.

I take Kirsten to the skating rink. I go in with her and make sure she is all settled in. The troop leader who is a friend of mine said she heard congratulations were in order. However, it was like oh, congratulations. Not sure how to describe it, but it certainly was not the happy congratulations my other friends have given. This was also the same friend who had the immediate reaction upon hearing we lost our baby that said "well she knew she was high risk anyway". UGH.

Then that reminded me of when I had the allergic reaction to the shellfish (saw the PA last night at the soccer tournament and he was glad I was looking much better. No shellfish while pregnant unless I got a epi pen or people with me he said!). Anyway, when I was at my pcp's office, when deciding what course of action to take. My dr asked the nurse if I was STILL PREGNANT??? What kind of freaking question is that??? How am I supposed to take it? I mean this isn't exactly what I need someone asking. Is she still pregnant? OMG. You know, my ob sends her regular consultations as does the urologist and the perinatologist. Plus, the hospital automatically copies her on all labs and USs. So you would THINK she would know the answer to this question.

Before I lost the baby, I had no idea how insensitive people could be. I mean you have to take it with a grain of salt. Unless you have been through it. You will never know. When it happened at the time, I couldn't understand why God does what he does. I think in my case the timing wasn't right. I think that there is a reason why things happen even though we may not understand it. In the end, things work out the way they should. I still have not figured out all of the reasons and they whys. I may not ever know why. I do believe that we have an angel waiting for us in heaven. I do believe that Angel is being cared for by Aunt K. I like to sometimes think that our angel baby went to heaven so that he could be there for when Aunt K did. He let her know it was ok to go.

I leave you with a poem that was posted on my loss boards a few months ago. I have a copy of it and carry it in my purse.

A Different Child by Pandora MacMillian

People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them with compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I am only here
Because my mother tried again."

I think this is one of the most beautiful poems I have ever read. It describes exactly how it is to be pregnant with another child. You don't forget the one that you lost and is gone. You absolutely love with all your heart the next one because they could be gone one day too.

More anxiety

Well I think I am going to fess up to buying a doppler to my ob. I would like for him to show me how to use it right. I am pretty sure I am, but just want to make sure. I figure I could tell him that it was nice of him to offer to have me come in at anytime for a heartbeat check. It was not practical as that would be every hour of every day. Kirsten is going to be busy startin an hour. She has a Girl Scout thing tonight and a birthday party tomorrow.

I have the doppler. I use it about every day. Baby is a stinker and doesn't stay in place for long. I guess I know I will be in a lot at the end. I just don't want to be "THAT" patient if you kwim. I mean I know my ob would be great about it. He has already gone above and beyond. Still.

My mil suckerpunched me the other day and I totally fell right into it. I could have just smacked myself. She started by asking me how the doppler thing was going and about how they didn't have that in her day. She was talking about USs and how they were a new thing back then. That when she was pregnant they didn't even have pregnancy tests. I laughed and said oh Dr. E did about 6 on me. She asked why so many. I answered part ob is being careful and then I am neurotic now. Then she said I was obsessed when pregnant with Sara and all I talked about was pregnancy. Hmmm, I remember the last month of being so sick, I couldn't get out of bed. Whatever? It pissed me off. Then I thought neurotic does not equal obsessed. What MOM doesn't do anything but talk about their baby??? My boss said the same thing as me. A mom talks about her pregnancy and baby. Must be nice to have two uncomplicated pregnancies and not have a miscarriage. I also thought, she is ignorant, she doesn't know what it is like. Note to self, don't fall into that trap again. Don't show her anything from the baby. I also think she is quite pissed that I didn't invite her to my US on 8/7. I asked sil. Why? Well sil and I have our ups and downs. She was the FIRST to congratulate us this time and hopes baby sticks. She also cried with us when we lost our baby. She begged to go to USs with Sara. I didn' t invite mil because I don't NEED HER ANXIETY feeding into mine and I am sure she will say something completely inappropriate. She doesn't know how to shut up. In fact when I told her I was on progesterone to prevent MC (at this point has worked because I am 11 weeks and placenta is working), she said oh well if you miscarry you miscarry. WTF. How supportive is that? She also said they didn't tell till lile 4 months or so. I was like well you kind of forced our hand implying I wasn't doing enough with Sara. I've just decided only people who care, get to hear about our baby.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Anxiety and breakdowns

Well first happy news! The happy news is that I have settled my lawsuit for the car accident I was in in 2006. Most of my friends know what HELL I went through with 1) money 2) insurance and 3) medical issues. In February 2006, a 17 year old kid hit my car (tboned it actually) in the drivers door. My car was totaled as was his. I was pretty pissed off because THIS was not what we needed. It just put us over the edge financially. All of a sudden we had to buy a new car. The deals that were out there (where we researched our previous car for 6 months and bided our time) were gone. I all of a sudden had two great insurances (car and health) and NEITHER would pay the medical bills. Then the medical issues. I spent almost a year trying to convince drs and physical therapist that something was wrong till I finally had surgery in Dec 2006. It was pretty much hell. What happened to the kid? Well he was the son of a well respected minister and was not even given a ticket for totaling TWO CARS. He admitted fault. The police said it was his fault, but OOOPs it was an accident. The last two 1/2 years has been a VERY long road. As a result I have permanent nerve damage in my shoulder and neck. I have permanent damage to my knee. Turns out that when they did the knee surgery, the cartlige was completely shredded and my knee had been dislocated. I ended up in surgery for about 3 hours while the cartlige, meniscus were removed and a 5 inch incision was made to cut through all the tendons and muscles in my knee. I am doing better now, but will most likely have arthritis in my knee (actually I have it now) and will require knee injections for the rest of my life. I used to walk 5-6 miles a day and that is gone. I am lucky to walk a mile.

So the case of the negligence is settled. We settled for a good bit. There is enough to pay off all our bills including student loans. We'll only have our house and car payments as debt and then the usual utilities, insurance, and daycare. It's a FRESH start. I would rather have the 2 1/2 years have been different, but, this is compensation and not a bad case at that. My lawyer did a good job (now let's see how much I get raked over for in expenses!). It's come at a fabulous time in my life being pregnant.

Now for the other stuff. My anxiety got the best of me and I bought a baby doppler. I think I have gotten the baby on doppler for a few seconds, but then the stinker moves away from it. I havn't actually heard it well yet because it is extremely faint and mine masks it. Plus the placenta is in the front and you hear the blood rushing through it. Baby's heartrate has been between 140-170. I'm undecided on whether to fess up to my ob about my purchase. I don't think he would say much, but I would like to know if I am using it correctly. I kind of watched how he did it at my appt. However, he is MUCH better at it than I am. lol. Best $115 I ever spent. Such peace of mind even though I get it for like 5 seconds.

I have been going through a rough patch lately. I never thought it would be this hard being pregnant again. I am thrilled, don't get me wrong. I worry about if this baby's heart is going to stop. I can't take comfort in stats because I was one of the stats. One of the 2% that miscarry after seeing a healthy hb at 8 1/2 and 12 1/2 weeks. It still shocks me that it happened to me. I started crying on the way home from work today. Why? It was because things are so good right now and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have VERY little pregnancy symptoms besides getting bigger, tired, heartburn, and the occasional ligament stretch. Oh yeah and my boobs go up and down. :) lol. I worry that this is all too good to be true. I worry that something is wrong with the baby. I worry that I will lose this baby. I just worry too much. I guess that is one of the reasons that I bought the doppler. I wanted to enjoy this pregnancy.

Dh is out of town right now. He has been gone since 8 July. He misses us terribly and we miss him. He will be back on 19 August. It's like when he gets back everything will be ok. Boy wait till he sees me!!! I'll be much bigger than I was then.

Oh and we have decided to put our house up for sale. We needed a bigger house now that we are having a third baby! So we are looking for a 4 bedroom 2 bath home with a garage and big fenced in back yard. Newer. Not an old house. We are looking on the other side of town. Kirsten still wants to go to her school. So we will see if we can get permission for her to finish out her last 2 years there (all her friends are there). I think we will be putting our house up for sale in the Spring. Gives us time to do some stuff that needs to be finished and I won't be pregnant then.

We promised our girlies a trip to Disney World next year. :)

Sunday, July 20, 2008

I have the Blahsss

Work totally sucks right now. I often wonder if I made the right decision in turning that VA job down back in February. At the time, I really thought I was doing the right thing. I am getting EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED with work right now. What pisses me off is that EVERYONE now expects me to lead them. I don't want to freaking lead them. Why, because everyone that had experience has been run out of the office into new jobs. R is leaving as of 8/1. L left in February (actually I was not sad to see her go because she didn't know what she is doing). This last week has totally stressed me out. Especially on Wednesday and my ob was not happy at all with my pressures that night. The bottom number was 97. OMG. I wasn't privy to the conversation between new boss and old boss, but she said she told my new boss I was pregnant and had problem pregnancies. I don't think she told him I would be on leave by the end of the year. Either that or he doesn't believe it. The nice thing is he seems to be a really nice guy and wants to work as a team. He learns fast. HE KNOWS COMPUTERS, thank GOD. Friday I got totally pissed off because I was working on several projects at once. At the very end of the day, a PM comes down and says can we get this awarded. Waiting for Counsel to bring it back. I finally asks J to go get it. While she is doing that I start redoing the letters. R starts crazy yelling at me that thank God for J and heaven forbid I do my job. Which I calmly reply back (becuase it is J's job to be goffer and I am not supposed to be running around like an effing crazy person because of pregnancy - he doesn't know that I am pregnant), that I sent him the package in our computer system and while J was getting the package I was retyping the letters. I was not a contracting officer and can not sign it. So who was not doing their job?

My poor new boss said Sabrina is there anything I can help you with? On top of that, the new credit card person decided she did not feel like going to a training conference this week. Did she take the initiative and possibly do a google search for the conference and cancel her own reservations? Umm no. She kept coming to me to do it. Then I was supposed to show them how to do a solicitation announcement on the internet. I waited all fing day for this one girl to get her crap together. I go to put it in finally after the third time where she asks if I am ready and I tell her I have been waiting on her. Only for her not to know what kind of announcement she is doing. At that point I am done. She can freaking learn from watching the video. Credit card manager sat with her and helped her. I refuse refuse refuse to show her anymore stuff. She has been here almost 2 years now and to hear her tell it she has never been trained. I know for a fact our current boss has shown her how to do this stuff on many occasions. She does not take notes and would rather be a social director. Meaning she wants the money of the job because it is a nice grade, but she doesn't want to do the work to get the grade. I am so done with her. If I hear out of her mouth how she can walk out at anytime because she can retire, I am going to say then please retire because you don't know what the hell you are doing here.

Then I find out last week that we are hiring an "asshole" as my old boss put it. Nice impression before you even start work. She said she would have never have hired him. However, she is retiring and won't be here to deal with it. Thanks.

We are also getting 2 interns by the end of September. Fabulous more people to train. I hate hate hate training people. I don't have the patience for it. Maybe I don't have the patience for training older people. I don't have a problem training the new boss, he understands computers.

So this is how work for me is now. The good news is the new boss I think sees me as a partner. Cause on Friday he told me when we do the dredging contracts next year, we need to do an IDIQ and cut delivery orders. HOORAY.

Too bad I won't be around for that if this baby sticks. I am seriously going out on full time work at home or possibly leave and part time work at home. I have the desire to just take it easy. Work isn't worth it if my baby dies again. I see my bps rising. Could be because the placenta is starting to take over now and we all know placentas suck with pe. Could be combination of how work is going.

I have been on my own with the girls for the last two weeks. This is old also. Dh comes home on the 19th and I can't wait. I am so tired of being the only parent. It's hard because I need sleep and I am not getting it. I just wish the next few weeks would hurry up and get here. I told dh when he gets back, I am sleeping for a week.

Oh and a funny, my ob gave me a no travel offsite medical note. Now just WHO will be attending all of these site visits for work?? R used to. I refuse to do ANY travel now. ha ha ha lmao!

Friday, July 18, 2008

9 week 6 day appt

YEAH!!!!! Who would have thunk it after such a rough beginning. I had my 9 week 6 day appt yesterday. Pretty boring and uneventful which is how I like it. First off I got a freebie. NO EXAM. HOORAY!! The nurse came in and went over some stuff and took my bp. Then she said she was going to let my ob know I was there. Um, ok, but I thought I had the exam today. She said nope. I talked with him about that and he thought it was unneccesary. I had one in January and seeing I was seen in the ER at 6 weeks 1 day and they did one then with the cultures. No more was needed. HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY. Ok, I just hate those gyn exams if you kwim. My ob wasn't whistling yesterday so he wasn't in a fab mood. Usually, he is whistling. When he isn't, he is cranky. Anyway, he has no idea why I have all of a sudden developed this severe allergy to shellfish. I am to STAY AWAY from it. It may or may not go away. He is getting my referral extended. Um why does he always ask me what he needs to do for it. I told him I think he needs to give it to the billing clerk and have her extend it. I'll call her at the end of the month after I check and make sure she has done it. I have to stay on top of it with her cause she is lazy. I swear she ALWAYS gives me a problem and I dislike her very much. She is just so RUDE. I gave him a copy of the current referral. So hopefully he will take care of it.

My bps are good for the most part except the other night. The other night was BAD. 97 on the bottom. He said he didn't like that one at all. The others were good. I was a little worried when the nurse didn't have the doppler with her that he wouldn't try. I was like no way am I letting him get away with that! I kind of was relieved when he came in with the doppler and the gel. WHEW. Then he tried. WOW did he go low. I was like ummm hello. We listened. I heard my heartbeat. I heard the blood rushing through the placenta (sounds like wind). I didn't hear the baby. I finally asked will you please get the US machine. I could feel the panic rising. He went and got it. He found the baby right away. Last time he hunted at 8 1/2 weeks. This time he went right to it, but I guess he had help because he located the placenta with the doppler so he knew where to go.

I could hardly breathe because he would lose it for a second when I did. We saw the heartbeat, within like 5 or 10 seconds he said the heartbeat was 141-145. He said that the baby was moving. I even saw it bounce up and down a couple of times. He said it was twitching its legs and arms. I don't know how he could tell that because baby looked like a blob. It really is amazing how much they change week to week. I wish I could get USs every week. He said it was because of the resolution of his machine, it was so old. His machine he said was 15-20 years old. WOW. I said umm time to upgrade doc. He said a refurbished machine like his that was 15-20 years old ran about 20k. A new machine ran 70k. I said well Dr. W's must have been REALLY expensive because she has a huge plasma on the wall across from it. He said that setup ran well over 100k. HOLY CRAP. Ok, no wonder my insurance pays $500 a visit with her after their discount! He watched the baby intently for a few minutes. I was starting to get worried because he has never watched the baby that long before. However, he said everything was ok and perfect. I told my boss about it today. She said he was probably looking that long because I had a previous loss and she said he was probably just checking out the baby's movements and making sure everything was ok. I hope so. I hate this anxiety. I told my ob that the last baby never moved once on US, just had a heartbeat. He said yeah he knew? This one was moving. Hooray.

He said the anxiety is probably a combination of my loss and being on steroids. He said steroids can wreak havoc on your hormones. However, I figured out today it is a combination of getting close to when we lost the last baby, my upcoming due date, and I would have probably been delivering around now. I still don't feel like we will be coming home with a baby and that terrifies me. My ob says it can't get much more perfect. We talked about a doppler for home use but he thought that would cause more anxiety. However, today, I bought one off Ebay and felt an immediate sense of relief. Sorry, but I can't help it. Even though he has told me I can come in for a heartbeat check at any time, I KNOW that I need something that I can check with when I feel the anxiety and panic come on. So I bit the bullet and bought one. I just hope it works!!!

We scheduled my next appt for 8/7 right before my peri appt. He said they would get me in and out quick. I think the nurse told him I was anxiety ridden. I brought my Ipod with me to help calm me down thinking music would help. I don't know, going to my ob used to be YEAH we get to hear the baby. Now all I do is pray pray pray that there is still a heartbeat. I have so little symptoms. I sit there in the waiting room and exam room praying there is still a heartbeat. There was relief when I saw it yesterday on US. Already within an hour of being there, the anxiety hit with full force. I thought today as I was buying the doppler, a hundred bucks is worth EVERY piece of my mind. I also figured that we could use it and listen to it as a family. This will be my last baby if this one sticks. So I said go ahead and spring for it. So I did. I told dh and he was actually excited. It will probably be here in about a week.

That was about it. See you in three weeks. Oh and bp was 120/88. A bit high on the bottom, but nothing to give my ob a stroke about.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Ok God, I have had enough!

You may be wondering what I am talking about. I have suddenly developed a shellfish allergy overnight. Nope not kidding. Me. The girl from SC that grew up on fresh shrimp that friends of the family caught and gave to us. Me, the girl that would buy it fresh off the docks. God has a funny sense of humor sometimes. I ADORE seafood. LOVE it. I would eat it every single day if I could and now can't. Heck, I still have a gift card for Red Lobster in my purse! So what happened?

Sunday night I decided on doing an easy dinner. So when I had a break in the migraine, I went to the store and picked some frozen shrimp in a bag up. I thought YUMMY shrimp alfredo. I made it and it was very YUMMY. It was the last thing I ate that night. The next morning I notice on the way to work my arms and everything is covered in a rash that looked like hives. I am NOT a morning person. So no I would not have noticed them earlier while getting dressed. My boss said hmm looks live nerves. As the morning progressed I was feeling worse. I did call for an appt with my pcp and got an appt for 1pm. By 10am, my boss sent me home packing with my laptop. On my way home around 11am, my lips started to swell. I debated on whether or not I should call my pcp and say I need to be seen now. Like a dumbass, I waited till my appt at 1pm.

So I get in. The nurse gets me in an exam room and sees my arms. WOW you got hives. I said I know look at my lips. She said OMG I thought you had been crying. Your lips are swollen. I swear I looked like Angelina Jolie and Goldie Hawn with those collagen lips. Can I ask WHY on earth would ANYONE pay for that? OWWWWW. So she leaves the exam room. She goes to the doc. She told her I didn't want to see a med student. (I'm sorry to any med students out there. However, I pay ALOT for my health insurance and medical bills. It's bad enough I have to go through things with the nurse and the doctor, but I call it at two. Seeing I pay for a DOCTOR that is fully trained, that's who I am going to see. Do not pass me off to a student, intern, resident (ok I know residents and interns are doctors). Point is, I want someone who has done all that. That is why they are my dr. If I wanted to be a guinea pig, I would ship myself off to a public university hospital. Oh yeah and my pcp does not understand that. Ok, rant over with.). My doctor said yeah I know, she hates med students. So then she proceeded to tell her that I had hives all over my arms. My doc says hmm. The nurse says um no you don't understand. Her lips are swelling! Next thing I know, I am getting a shot of Benadryl in one arm and a steroid shot in the other. All before the doc saw me (she was still nursing her son). She came in and said yes, severe allergic reaction. She prescribed prednisone to start the next day with and bendadryl before bed. I was sent on my merry little way. Come home and crashed for three hours.

Then I woke up and more itching. More hives. They are now getting worse. DAMN. The shots wore off. So I go get Kirsten and my inlaws said um, we think you need to call the doc back. So go get Sara and call doc. Go to the ER now. Wow that was an experience. It was actually quite entertaining watching all the commotion. I have NEVER seen it that busy before! People actively puking in bags. Must have been about 10 fractures that came in. All kids. One woman had a steak knife that went through her hand (umm bet she won't be trying to break apart burgers again). In the midst of all the commotion, I notice no one is sitting near me. By this point, I am the itchy and scratchy show. Hives are everywhere. I do notice that people were all by the pukers. Hmmm, itchy scratchy or puking. Me, I would go with itchy.

I finally say out loud that I am not contagious. I am having an allergic reaction and had already been to my doc and got shots. You see this collective, thank God. Now if I were all ya'll I wouldn't be getting so close to the pukers. That's catchy. I finally get called back. Hives popping up before everyone's eye. Finally got a dose of benadryl. Apparently, I should have known the dosages that the nurse gave me in the shots. Does anyone really ask how many mg they are getting? My doc's office finally sent it over. Orders changed to start prednisone immediately and start benadryl in 4 hours and continue every 4 hours for the next few days. I also had to have my mil come and pick me up and take me to Tops. Talk about awkward.

Get home and fil and sil bring my car home from the ER. We had a nice little moment where they told me congratulations, hugged me and said they were hoping this one sticks. I was touched that they cared. Mil has offered that Kmart had expandable/elastic waistline jean shorts on sale for $5. Um yeah, way past that. I started maternity jeans and shorts at um oh about 5 weeks.

Called my ob's office and let them know what happened. They said all meds were safe. They would be marking my file. They said as long as my O2 was good, then baby should be ok too.

BUT, and there is always a but right? I am still so worried about my appt in 2 days. I am terrified that my ob is going to do an US (cause doppler won't get it yet and he knows how I am) and will turn to me and say I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat. There is nothing more that will stop a pregnant woman's heart. I am not even sure if I can bear to even look at the US on Thursday. Thursday is the day for big exam. You know cultures, getting naked (so hate that), pelvic exam. At least he does the heartbeat first. I have been having terrible terrible anxiety. I am convinced that the anxiety combined with stress from work is causing my headaches and stuff. It's not easy for me to admit I may need a little help through the next few weeks with anxiety. As our loss date gets closer, I can't help feeling doom. Then I woke up this morning and the huge boobs I had were GONE. Everything was gone. They returned this afternoon (heartburn and all). I think the deflating was from the Benadryl and steroids. I keep telling myself everything is ok. However, I pushed those thoughts of something being wrong the last time and I should have listened to instinct. I knew. I knew something wasn't right. However, I thought it couldn't happen to me. I had symptoms till I went in for the d&c. So sometimes it is ok to buck up and ask for help. Sometimes it is ok to say I need some help. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. There is no way for him to know this unless I tell him. He's not a mind reader. So I need to just tell him about this anxiety. I need to get that reassurance. I need to see the heartbeat. I'll be the one with my hands over my eyes, but peeking through my hands to see a heartbeat.

I pray all the time and every night before bed for God to let this baby stick full term and let this baby be born healthy, happy, and safe.

Sunday, July 13, 2008


Migraines. I feel bad for people who get these all the time. Before Sara, I used to get them once in a blue moon. Excedrin Migraine and rest, took care of it. After Sara was born, I started getting them. In fact, I had one while still in the hospital with her. They paged my ob. He prescribed Tylenol 3, which made me puke. When I was BAWLING from it, the midwife for the practice happened to be on the floor and changed it to fiorinal. Sweet relief. My ob gave me a rx for it before leaving the hospital and my pcp continued.

Yesterday morning, I woke up with a freaking migraine. Tylenol did NOT work. It was bad, but livable. Spent most of the day and night on the couch. I did manage a few hours in a deck chair in the shade at my inlaws pool for a couple of hours. Of course dh is out of town for the next few weeks (he feels awful by the way). Sick as a dog last night from it. Up all night from it last night and this morning.

Sick today but much worse today. Then added on top of it, that pesky kidney stone decided that now would be a fun time to give me a problem. So I took a lortab. It got rid of the migraine for the most part. It lasted about 4 hours. It came back even worse. So bad I was bawling and threw up from it. So took another one. Again, lasted 4 hours. Guess I'll be putting in a call to the ob tomorrow. If it doesn't get better tonight, headed to the ER. This SUCKS.

Friday, July 11, 2008

9 weeks today!

Already 9 weeks. Let me tell ya, pregnancy is MUCH better when you are not nauseated or puking every 5 minutes. This is the first time I have ever not been nauseated or puking in pregnancy and it is WIERD. My ob keeps assuring me everything is ok. At least you can have that reassurance when you are barfing. Time seems to be going very quickly.

I noticed today that I am starting to get anxious and I am just going to have to break down and talk with my ob about it on Thursday. I have thought often of buying a doppler for reassurance. I'll be getting a lot of scans and my ob has said I can come in at anytime. I am trying to work through the anxiety. However, stuff that I would do for it, I can't do now because I am on rest as much as possible.....

Dh is gone for the next 6 weeks, so the girls will keep me busy. Kirsten has been a HUGE help with Sara.

Worked has totally sucked. They hired someone as the new chief with NO experience. Passed over a guy with over 20 years of experience. Then they are trying to push out the current chief. I swear the top management in this place are such jerks. An Ex. My boss is not retiring till January. They brought new guy in and already have labeled him as chief and told him to assume all responsibilities. Excuse me, he was brought in to TRAIN for 6 months. So because of this, all of the experienced people are leaving. The assistant chief is leaving 8/3. That leaves ME as the only experienced person in this office. Everyone else is new and needs training. They do have two promotions that are open. I doubt very seriously I will get one of them with all of the crap they have put our office through.

Because of all of the crap, I have been checking my leave. I can go out on full paid leave 11/21 and not return till the middle of May. Pretty much I am holding that as my card. Tick me off and out I go.

The insurance settlement is almost done from the car accident. My lawyer has been negotiating it. The first offer came in WAY WAY more than we ever expected. My lawyer when this started said how much he thought the case was worth. He said they would start low. This would be the high. Well they are already at where he said the case is worth. Which means they see that there is serious injury there. My lawyer countered and they came up 10k. Now we are waiting on final reports from my orthopedist and chiropractor about the outlook of things. Basically, it is what it is. I am 19 months post op. I go in and get a shot every 4 months into my knee to relieve the inflammation and swelling. I will probably be doing this the rest of my life. As far as my shoulder and neck injury, I'll be seeing a chiropractor once a month for the rest of my life too. I still have significant weakness on the right hand side. So, we'll see. The guy had a crappy insurance policy that they only give to people who can't get insurance. At least, it will be enough.

Based on the last offer, which my lawyer said will not be taken off the table and is the minimum I'll get, there is enough to pay off all of our bills except house, cars, utilities, insurance, and daycare. That will be fabulous. A fresh start. There is enough there to fix up the house with some minor repairs. There is enough there to take a FABULOUS vacation to Disney World next year. I have promised the girls I would take them next year. There is a cushion for me taking off work if needed for the new baby. After this part is taken care of, then we have to take care of the remaining medical. Which isn't much. Maybe a $1000. Basically, no fault says they won't pay. However, every few months they send me an explanation of benefits form where they did indeed pay.

The thing I am really happy about with this is that everything is paid except cars and house. That will be a nice feeling to have.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

You know it's ok......

to talk to me and tell me how sorry you are about the baby we lost. It's ok to say how sad it made you to, a future that was snatched away within a few seconds. All of our hopes and dreams with that child gone within a blink of an eye. It's ok to talk about our baby. I may shed a few tears still, but at least I know you care.

This weekend was the first time I had seen everyone on dh's side of the family since we lost the baby. Every one of them knew our baby was here and then gone in the blink of an eye. It's unfortunate, but a week to the day we lost our baby, dh's beloved aunt died. I somehow think that maybe Peyton went to tell her it was ok to let go. She loved babies. She loved my two girls here on earth as if they were her own. Always treated them as if they were her own. I like to think that Peyton is right up there with her sitting on her lap and getting all the love in the world from her because that is just how she was. I didn't attend funeral services for her because I was too devestated over the loss of our baby. Two huge losses within a week's time was too much for me.

So this weekend was the first time that any of dh's family saw me. Not one. Not one person said how sorry they were. Not one person said how they had thought about us and had us in their thoughts and prayers. Not one person asked us how we were doing and if we were ok. Our baby was ignored. As if he never existed. See, he did exist. Only I have the US images in my head. Well me and dh. That's one thing I have made sure of this time. I get a picture with every US. Our baby had a body, ribs, head, arms, legs, feet, and most of all a heartbeat for 9 weeks. No one but us remembers.

People came up to sil and told her how sorry they were she has a heart condition. Her heart condition can be controlled with meds and diet. When she was first diagnosed. Dh called me in a state of panic saying she was near death. They were not sure if she was going to make it. I left work immediately. Imagine my shock when I arrive at the hospital. Is she in the ICU? Umm, nope. Is she so sick that only one member can visit at a time? Um nope. Nope none of that. She is reigning court in the hospital room sitting indian style on the bed with a food tray, tv on, and up laughing and talking with all these people that came to visit. Since when is that close to death? Of course mil and dh, are telling everyone how ill she is (Ok, she was sick but come on), yet she is able to laugh, eat, talk and is no where near an ICU. Many came up to tell her at the picnics that their thoughts and prayers were with her. Many sent her cards. Many said they were sorry to hear that she had gotten sick.

No one said anything to us. No one sent us a card to acknowledge the fact that our child had died from his side of the family. Only close friends, dh's work, and some of my family members did. No one from his side of the family said anything at all, except his uncle when he saw us a few weeks ago. He came up and hugged me and asked me if I was doing ok. Maybe he connected with our baby gone and his wife gone at the same time. He was the ONLY one that did tell us how sorry he was.

Why is it that a minor illness was cause for major concern, yet the death of a baby wasn't? Why is it that everyone told sil how sorry they were she had gotten sick (really she is in no danger of dying as long as she loses weight, changes her diet, and takes her meds), but no one said anything about our child that died? I was really sick when our baby died. Months of antibiotics to cure the kidney infection that took his life. In fact, still battling that issue now with a Urologist. Because I am pregnant now and what happened before, they have had me on antibiotics for the last two weeks. In fact, it's looking like I may stay on them for the duration of the pregnancy. Bedrest afterwards because I was still too ill from the kidney infection, flu, and surgery. I hemmoraged afterwards and had I of not been in a hospital with immediate access to fluids and pit could have died. Thankfully, the nurses got everything under control in a few minutes. Why is it that complete strangers are more acknowleging of our loss than our own family. The ones that are supposed to be there through thick and thin.

I just wanted to say, it's ok to say that you are sorry to. It's ok to say that you have thought of us often. We want to talk about the baby that we loss. Even though we are pregnant again, it doesn't make it easier to know that we would have had a baby within the next month or two. A baby that is now gone.

Because no one said anything about our loss while acknowleging other family members trials and tribulations, we decided to say nothing about this new baby. This new baby that we have fought so hard for with progesterone treatment, antibiotics to keep the kidneys healthy, and bp readings to keep the bps down. In our minds, at this time, they didn't deserve to know at this point. Maybe we will tell them when we are 20 weeks. At the time, when insurance and everyone else recognizes a baby.

Can you believe that one person had the nerve to ask when we were going to have another? She didn't say anything about the baby we lost. Just that were we done and were we going to have another. I was extremely vague and said eventually.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

7 weeks 6 days

I am STILL pregnant. Hooray for me and my little grain of rice. I had another US today at the hospital and had the same tech I had in the ER. I think she worked it that way. :) Baby had a heartbeat of 141 bpm! Baby had grown so much in 10 days!!! She gave us pics and wrote baby on one and hi mom and dad on the other. It's so cool.

Prometrium. You have no idea what I went through to fill this rx. First one I filled at the pharmacy, my insurance only covers 21 a month!! WTH. I need 30! So had my ob change the rx to 21 per fill. Well I can't fill it till the 23rd day after each fill shorting me at least 2 a month. Took it to walmart and found this out. They are sooooo incredibly slow there. I wanted to pop the pharmacist, they acted like it had crack or something in it. Hello it is a female hormone. Anyway, he said it needed preapproval. Told him I had filled the first one with no problem except only 21. Can't fill it till the 12th. Was going to go back and get preapproval. Then I realized, ob doesn't work Wednesdays, holiday week, and I wouldn't get it in time. Had to pick Kirsten up from camp in literally 10 minutes, pharmacist swear was slow as mollasses, so I asked for the rx back and told him I would talk with my ob.

Thought about it overnight. Decided to pay full price for 1st fill (covers shortfalls) and then run through my insurance on the 12th. Pharmacist agreed but only wanted to fill FOUR. Are you kidding me? He said he called the other pharmacy and knew I would not be able to get the rx filled anywhere else with insurance. Actually I took the rx back trying to decide what to do and checked prices online. Walmart was cheapest for out of pocket fill. Told him NO. You will fill the entire rx as prescribed by my DOCTOR. I will pay full price. That way the shortfalls are covered. Oh that sounds like a good idea, but 4 would be cheaper. This is something that irritates the HELL out of me. Since when do people think they can tell me how to spend MY money. I worked for it. I earned it. It is MINE to spend. Why do they NOT do this to my dh. Did I mention I make way more than my dh? I work more hours than dh? Pharmacist reluctantly filled for the full rx. So is there crack or some narcotic in my hormone medication that is being used to make sure my baby makes it and no one has told us? I mean come on. It is progesterone. I think I am going to mention this to my ob. I don't know why the pharmacist was playing Sherlock, maybe that's why he is so slow. He backed off when I told him I was using it to prevent a miscarriage.

Other than that, we have picnic plans for the 4th and 5th of July. My vacation is going by way too fast. New boss starts Monday.