Have you ever had a feeling and it came out true. I was thinking about this and looking back on some things. When we got the BFP this time, I was in shock that we got it on the first try after being on bcp for a year. I mean how often does that happen? Looking back there were signs that I just plain ignored but made me feel wierd. Dh and I always wanted four children. However, we decided our limit was three. Due to my history, finances, space, etc we negotiated three. The first Christmas after Sara was born, dh bought me a mother's ring for Christmas. I loved it and still do, but I asked him why he bought one now when we were not done with having children yet. He said well I bought a ring that has four spaces. So if we decide to have a fourth we can. If not, then since both of our birthdays are in April, we can just do the diamond for the fourth. I thought that was a nice idea. After awhile we decided we would only have three children.
In the last two months there have been signs and symbols. It has been so wierd. I was in the store a few weeks ago and passed a pregnancy and infant loss ribbon decal for the car. I felt compelled to buy it. I didn't though. I thought why would I need this. I thought well I have so many friends that have lost babies to pe that I would get it in their memory. Then I felt it was bad juju and not to do it. Everything with this pregnancy was too perfect. Everyone said how great I looked. With Sara, I actually looked like death warmed over. With my girls I always bought something special for them when I found out I was pregnant. With this one, I didn't. Going back to the ring, there are 4 spaces for baby names. I think maybe there was a reason that compelled DH to buy a mother's ring with four spaces when we only had two children. Now I know, for Peyton. The day that Peyton died or the docs think Peyton died, a friend on a messageboard needed to find a cheaper way of doing a funeral. Her sil did not have a lot money. The mother was on aid and an alcoholic. Me being the internet sleuth that I am started doing searches. Most of the websites that I googled that day came up with infant caskets and urns on the link pages. I thought that is so wierd. Why is it taking me to the infants caskets and urns first? Why not the adults. I do memory boxes for my local hospital for moms that have lost their babies. I do them because of my friends babies that have died from PE. I know how much comfort that brought them. I couldn't bear to think that it would happen to someone else. Several times this pregnancy, I thought, you know it would be really awful to recieve one of my own boxes. I couldn't get the thought out of my mind. Everywhere I turn around has been the number 4 and it has been driving me crazy. Somehow I know if we were to try again the next one will be ok. The day that I found out Peyton was gone, I had the thought of you know I had gas bubbles and flutters around this time. However, I was reassured because I had seen the baby on US with a heartbeat. I had had way too much nausea to not be pregnant anymore. I freaked out about having a bad case of the flu. I talked with my pcp about it because I was worried that something would happen with the baby. She said no, you just have to watch your temp. It will be ok. Just another thing to get because you have no immune system. However, the flu that hit our household was virulent and violent. It was awful and two weeks later we are all still trying to recover.
I keep thinking of that song Signs. Signs signs everywhere a sign. Hmmm, I should have paid attention to my intution.