Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Sometimes it is just too hard

I hate the flip flopping of emotions. Today I stayed home from work because the weather is too bad. I am working from home. Everyday I cry. I think it would be easier if I was actually at the point of being able ttc. Those women that ovulate 14 days after a d&c are enormously lucky. I am still bleeding. It is like a stab in the heart everytime I go to the bathroom and see. I wonder when when will it stop. I know getting pregnant would not replace the baby that we lost. I think maybe God was saving us the pain of delivering a baby at 21 or 22 weeks. Maybe God was trying to protect us from having to make awful decisions. I pray everyday that we get pregnant again, that we get pregnant fast, and that this baby sticks till 37 weeks. I am so nervous. The stories are half and half. If you get pregnant right away, it seems half stick. I know how happy we will be when we get pregnant again. I can't go and visit the expecting clubs right now.I don't think I will ever be able to check out the August 08 board again. I had so many hopes and dreams and everything was working out perfect. I had just enough nausea to have a sticky baby. I had a new job lined up in October after the baby is born. All of that went up in smoke. I am not sure about the job situation. I am hoping that they put the announcement out late. Which would give me some extra time. I am hoping that maybe I can transfer while on leave. I think I can as long as I am on a paid status. I intend to use 6 weeks of advanced sick leave and my comp and credit time (the comp and credit time would be paid out upon transfer). All of that was smashed to pieces the day that I heard no heartbeat. How could that happen to me? Why me? Why not the coke addict? I never knew how painful this could be.

Another thing that bothers me is why is there not any support locally in my town. I can not possibly be the ONLY woman that has gone through this here. I had the support of the nurses on L&D when it happened and all of the OR staff, and my dr. However, why isn't there a local support group where women can come together and talk about it. I have thought since it happened of calling the charge manager for L&D and seeing what can be done to start one. All I was offered was everyone's I'm sorry for your loss. Gee no one was sorrier than me. I was offered a study. However, I would not have been a good fit for that study. It was for recurrent miscarriage and using aspirin. I was already on aspirin. The nurse said that they would pay for all this testing and give me a stipend. Well I don't need the money and have excellent insurance. I already had many of those same tests due to checking for underlying disorders.

Everyone's lives are going on while mine is standing still. 13 days since they told me there was no heartbeat. The pain is still as raw as the day they told me. 13 days and I was in the 13th week. I hate the number 13 now and can see why people avoid it. I was so enjoying the last pregnancy. I got the positive and literally grinned from ear to ear. I was trying to avoid stress. Cutting back at work in the 13th week. Made a huge announcement to family and friends using a cute poem and card. Now, I don't think I would announce to extended family until after 14 weeks. If I got pregnant now, that would be in June. It seems so far away. Heck tomorrow seems like it is forever away. Time went by quicker last week when I could sleep my day away instead of dealing with reality. I am just so heartbroken. I know there are so many women like me. There are so many women that are right where I am.

My girlies keep me sane. Kirsten's schedule is incredibly busy and getting busier. She has her dance recital coming up in May. She has her violin schedule coming up in April. DH and my birthdays are in April. Kirsten's is at the end of March. So we have a party to plan for her. Kirsten is going with the inlaws to Florida for a week. She is so excited. I still have to get some things for her done.

I am hoping once this insane bleeding is done and I O that finally things will get better. Because if I O and catch it, we BD, then that will give me hope to have a positive test in two weeks. The not knowing when is killing me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hi, i feel bad for you. i know it hurts. its difficult time and it will pass. keep faith.