YEAH it is slowing down

WAY WAY WAY DOWN! Thank God. I was really worried this afternoon, but apparently I got rid of what was blocking the way. So please please pray that this stops soon. I just want it to go away and feel I can't go further till it does.

I did my little package for after miscarriage for the hospital, but it is way too big. It is 34 pages long. Ok, it covers EVERYTHING. Going back to work, dealing with others, what to expect physically and emotionally, sex, period, telling your kids, breaking the news to your family, your feelings. I am not sure what to do with it. I could sit there and say hey here are these websites. But not everyone has a computer. I think I may keep the comprehensive one. Then make a brochure of small stuff - websites, suggested readings. It will all be electronic so they can decide what to do. I really wanted it smaller. Honestly everything in that packet helped me so much and I still refer to it.

Two feet of snow today. DH has a LOT of snowblowing to do tomorrow. Better him than me.

I constantly wonder and look at the calendar and think when. Will it be Easter weekend. Will it be Kirsten's birthday. Will it be our birthdays? Everywhere I turn around someone is announcing they are pregnant. WHY can't it be me? I desparately want it to be me. It's almost like a lottery. I am worried that all of the chances to get pregnant and stay pregnant are running out and I will draw the unlucky straw again. I'm sad because I WON'T be announcing except to immediate family and my supervisor that I am pregnant again when it happens. The only reason my boss will find out is because I will have to be pulled off site visits and certain tasks at work. In addition, I am asking my ob to write me off one day a week to work from home as soon as I get a positive test. I know it won't change things but my bp was being affected by the commute and it would make me feel better.

In a way I am glad that it is still cold and snowy. Something with I have this need to get pregnant again before the snow goes away. I can't explain it. It's just something I can feel. Each day I think, you know puking my guts several times a day is not a bad thing. At least I know it would be a strong pregnancy. Course it was a strong pregnancy before. I just don't understand what happened. How it happened and I am not one of those people that deal with we may never know. I am waiting for my books to come in on Amazon. I hope they help. From what I have read, this will be something I will never get over. I can't forget that I was pregnant, although I try not to remember right now. It's too painful.

My mom keeps calling and I won't return her calls. She wants to talk about it. I don't. I'm not comfortable discussing it with her. She can't understand that. My post op appt is this Friday. I want to desparately cancel it. If I cancel it, I don't have to face a waiting room full of pregnant women. If I cancel it, I don't have to deal with it. I don't want to have an exam. I'm not sure if he will do one. He tends to not put you through those unless absolutely necessary and NOW I have to have TWO of them. One at my post op and one at 8-9 weeks again.

I think about when I have that first 8 - 9 week appt again. I know he'll try to find a heartbeat. I know that he'll try the doppler and not get it. I think when I see him at the 8-9 week appt, I'll tell him to please just grab the US. I think I might cry at that appt. I think I am going to be doing a lot of crying next time. I've been visiting the pregnancy after a loss boards and there are so many heartbreaking stories and so many courageous women that have gone on with healthy babies. I think how do they do it. One girl posted tonight about how to keep from going crazy till 12 weeks. My thought was how do I not go crazy from the whole pregnancy.

I actually thought of saying the heck with it and not trying again and being grateful for what I have. That's not me. I don't give up that easily. I just worry so much now.

I guess Monday I will be totally thrown into work. They gave me this week to ease into things. Honestly, I just don't care anymore. All I think about is when am I going to O. I pray pray pray that it is not when DH is gone. That would really be unfair.

I have an ortho appt in May. I was in back in January when I was 7 weeks. They marked my file saying 7 weeks pregnant and getting a steroid shot in the knee. My ob wrote a medical note saying steroid shot is ok in pregnancy for me. My dr is going to expect this huge pregnant woman and sadly I won't be. I'll be due for another shot. If I got pregnant now, I would be around the same gestation, again.

I keep thinking at least I'll have a summer this year. I really thought it would be spent on bedrest. Honestly, I want it back to where I was three weeks ago. We were sooo happy when we found out I was pregnant and I was so enjoying it. There are no answers why. There are no guarantees. Things could be much worse. I secretly worry they will get much worse.

The crying is easier. I don't cry as much. Today I only cried when I got the nurse's note. One because I was worried she got disciplined, that was not my intent. Two because it reminded me sooo much of everything I have lost. I think I am going to be a crying mess when I get pregnant again. I think this time I am going to take pictures next time of me. I have always avoided those like the plague. I will buy a digital test next time and take a picture of it saying pregnant.

We need a lot of prayers to continue getting through this. That and a lot of luck.