Sunday, March 2, 2008

Sometimes it is all too much

Today I woke up wondering if it had all been a dream. I woke up to the sound of the tech saying I'm sorry there is no heartbeat. I still wonder if it had been real at all. Then in the next instant that crushing reality hits. I know all too well it had been real. I still deal with the physical pain even 10 days after a d&c. My ob lied when he said this would be physically easier than the D&C I had after Sara was born. I would much rather go through that, go through everything that I went through with Kirsten than what I am going through right now. The cramps that come and go can be excruciating. I hate that even 10 days later I am still bleeding. It just plain sucks. I feel like my body has betrayed me. I peed on a stick last night to see if I still had pregnancy hormones. On one hand, I was happy to see that they are going down as it was a very faint positve. On the other hand, it made me really sad to realize what that meant. I can't figure what was worse, the super strong positive I got last week or to realize that it was negative. I guess the super strong positive was worse. The good news is that as soon as the hormones drop will mean that the sooner my body will get back to normal.

I wake up and think I should be pregnant today and realize that that reality has changed. I never knew a miscarriage could hit someone so hard. I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow. Already I have decided that I can't. I need at least one more quiet day with no one at home. It seems like when I go back to work, it will be final. I should just be ok and move on. Dh said last night that I need to get over this. That I can't let it overtake my life. How can he sit and forget so soon? He thinks it is silly that I went ahead and named the baby. It was a name that we both agreed on and would work for a boy and a girl. I wonder how in the world am I going to get through the next day?

My dh went to calling hours yesterday for his aunt that died. He said family came up to him and told him, I had one. I had three. I had four. Why is it such a secret shame in society? Why are there not any local women here that come together for this so that we are all hidden. I know a loss is a loss. Somehow, I think I would feel much better if I had been in the majority where it happened before 10 weeks. There are not a lot of women that miscarry at 13 1/2 weeks. On the miscarriage boards, most are in the 4-8 weeks range. A few more in the 9-11 week range. Very few after 12 weeks.

Dhs parents think that I am mad at them. I don't know why. Maybe they think I am mad because my fil originally came down with the flu. It isn't guaranteed that's what killed the baby. It's just a guess from the drs. It could have been anything. Was it something chromosomal? Probably not at 13 1/2 weeks. I did have infection after infection. Two rounds of sinus infections, bronchitis 2 x's, a wierd rash under the boobs that started to go away after the baby died, 2 kidney infections, the flu. All in the last 4 months. Hopefully my ob sent the baby to pathology like I requested.

I try to look at the positives. At least with trying in the springtime, I now have the antibodies for the flu. I shouldn't be as sick over the summer. With being early to mid pregnant in the summer, it means I will still have a summer. When I was pregnant with Sara, that whole summer was wasted in bed. I would look outside the window and see everyone playing outside and there I was in bed. If I were to get pregnant in the next month or so (God willing), I would be 4-5 months in July and August. Pregnant enough to have to cut back at work, but not so far along that I can't enjoy sitting on our deck.

I wonder about getting pregnant again. I think back to my first visit with the midwife. It stings now. My ob has told me to call as soon as I got the test. Looking back when she was figuring my due date, she said you are not even 6 weeks yet. Well I wasn't 6 weeks yet with Sara either. There was no congratulations, but when are you getting your tubes tied? I dread making that phone call this time, because what if she says the same thing? What if I come in after the loss of our baby and I am sure she knows by now cause EVERYONE in the office knows. What if I come in and she asks the same thing again? How do I not go off and deck her? My ob never said that to me. He said congratulations. WOW you work fast. I also dread making that call because then it will be the beginning of 14 weeks of anxiety. Even then will I be reassured? Looking at things now, I know I am going to end up renting or buying a doppler for reassurance. I am going to have to. Otherwise I will drive myself and everyone else around me crazy. So I get through the first 14 weeks. Only to start freaking out about PE at 20 weeks. Life is not fair.

I keep justifying everything with things could be worse. I have my health. I know I can get pregnant easily. I just have to be patient. I am encouraged by all the pregnant women on pregnant after a loss boards. I can see it really does look like a 1 time random thing. I just wish I could be in that place now. Life is taking place around me. I feel like I am suspended in time, waiting. Waiting for the cramping to stop so it is complete. Waiting for the bleeding to stop. Waiting for ovulation. Waiting for the BFP. Just waiting.

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