Saturday, March 29, 2008

How do I NOT lose my mind???

So last night I pick Sara up from daycare. For some reason, she decides she is going to be the MOST uncooperative child ever. Have to hurry and get her and drop her off at home. Then pick up Kirsten and take her to dance. What does Sara's daycare teacher say (she knows that we lost the baby). So when are you trying for that 3rd. If you are having problems getting Sara into her coat, how are you going to handle a third. First, we had our third. THAT CHILD DIED. Second, we have been trying but you know we lost the baby oh what 5 weeks ago? As much as I want to be pregnant right now, unfortunately it takes time. Third, I will handle my fourth child just fine. No I didn't say anything, I just gave her the evil glare. She really is a nice person, just insert foot into mouth.

Then I take Kirsten to dance. Again when are you having the third child? Does not anyone recognize that I have had my third child. That child died???? That baby is not erased. That baby was alive and had a heartbeat. I gave her evil glare too and left. Yes she knew we lost the baby only 5 weeks ago too.

So Kirsten's party was today. It happened again. THREE moms in the space of less than 20 minutes come and do belly rubs and said they heard we were expecting??? WTF. Are you kidding me? I mean these are my friends and they KNEW we lost the baby. AGGGGGGGGH. One of them came and talked with me afterwards. They all wanted to know the story. I amazed myself that I was able to tell the story without breaking down. One of the moms has had two 2nd trimester losses. Same thing, she had a kidney infection that was severe and lost the baby too at 16 weeks. Found out late afternoon and had a d&c the next day. I actually was ok talking with her because she has been there and done that. She told me it would happen and would happen quick for me. I also caught my mil observing the situation and tearing up. She cries at everything. She could never know the pain that I have because she has never lost a baby.

Then the kicker, the nail in the coffin. My pcp who I love and adore and who does not want kids. Guess what? She's pregnant with a surprise baby. ACKKKK! I am really happy for her. Truly I am. She deserves a baby. She didn't even WANT a baby and has one. She is 6 weeks pregnant. I worry about her now because she has chronic htn and is over 40. These are risk factors for PE. Well at least she knows who she can go to for information. I would not be surprised at all if she called me late in pregnancy or if one of us comes in for an appt and she pounds me with questions. This may sound REALLY selfish. Ok it is selfish. But I want to be in that preggo group. If she is 6 weeks preggo, then I if I got pregnant this cycle (PLEASE GOD), then I would realistically be delivering very close after her. I am 5 weeks behind her and you figure I have not gotten past 36 weeks. She promised me she would be there to take care of OUR baby. Ok, I know that is really selfish and I shouldn't have said it. But still. I really do hope for the best for her. I'm just shocked. I am sure she is too. Boy is her life going to change! I laugh now because she has tons of nieces and nephews. She likes to give them back to their parents when she is done with them. I am sure she will be a wonderful mom because she has been so great with my girls.

Oh and the mom I talked with afterwards has endometriosis too. She asked me if pregnancy helped it. I said absolutely. I felt great with that. I had bad pain for the first 5 weeks and then it went away. She said her too. Then she asked me if it was worse when I lost the baby. I said oh yeah. I was seriously thinking about having my uterus taken out myself right then and there. She said she had the same thing.

I managed to keep it together for Kirsten's party. Came home and Sara immediately threw a temper tantrum. Not sure what was wrong with her the last day or so cause she is not normally like that. Put her in the bath and just sat and rocked her for awhile and she finally fell asleep. I put her to bed. I told Kirsten I needed her to leave me alone for awhile. She got FABULOUS gifts from her friends. 3 webkins, a HM backpack, HM purse, High school musical games, Jonas brothers cd. Everything she wanted. She made out like a bandit. She has really great friends with parents. Now I am going to veg out. Tomorrow, Kirsten has thank you notes to send out. Today was just a bad day. I just pray and pray that we can get pregnant this month. That saying about being fertile after a miscarriage better be true. Remember we only want a singleton. Ok, if we had twins, I would still be ok.

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