Sigh, when I woke up this morning, I thought there is no way I can deal with coworker's luncheon today or coworker. It's a reminder of what I lost or maybe not, I am not sure. Back in January I was offered a FABULOUS job opportunity. It would be another 12k in pay, have my own office, they would do anything basically to get me, they didn't care I was pregnant. I turned it down. Not once, but three times. The reason I turned it down was I was worried about the baby. My current job, I can do that with my eyes closed and not think twice about it. I know the procedures. I know the rules. I was so worried about stress. I didn't want to put anymore stress on me than possible. So they asked me if I would come in October. Of course I said. I figured Peyton would be a July baby as I have never made it past 36 weeks. That would give me plenty of time to be with the baby.
Now I don't know where that stands. The job is not out yet. They were going to readvertise and intentionally stretch the times. I guess I could transfer on leave. It's as long as I am on a leave status that is a pay status. They don't know yet, but I am sure coworker will blab when she gets there.
So I called out today because I knew if I said I didn't want to go to the lucheon they would cajole me. I am taking the advise that I don't have to do everything and be everyone. That it is ok to say no. That it is ok to say I am not ready for this yet. I still don't want to deal with large crowds or lots of people. I can't handle it. We have been doing takeout occasionally because of me. Yes I am doing some of the basic motions, picking the girls up from school, doing dance, doing Girl Scouts, etc. I am just not into doing luncheons, parties or anything else. So I called out. My boss is like it has been three weeks and I can tell you still havn't physically recovered. So she won't say anything about it.
I cleaned our kitchen today. It was disgusting. Lori, you need to come help me girl!!!! I had only been doing the basics while pregnant. Then dh took over for the last three weeks. OMG. This man just moves stuff around. The floor, he said THAT was clean. HAH. So it got a nice cleaning today. The rest of the downstairs is next. Then the upstairs this weekend. Once it warms up or maybe even before, all of the carpets are getting steam cleaned. Sara spills everywhere and no matter how many times we tell her in the kitchen, it doesn't happen.
This weekend, we will be making colored easter eggs, cookies, and I have to do my state inspection on my car since it is expired. We wait to see if the egg took for us. I hope hope hope to have an easter surprise. That would be a one in a million chance. Of course, it was a one in a million chance to lose a baby in the second trimester too.
I am still SHOCKED it happened to me. I mean how could it? I about fell off the exam table when she told me there was no heartbeat. Why is it that I am always asked when I am asked who is your dr? That other providers and drs always ask, are you sure? Do you always see him? Or are you a midwife patient? Hello do I look like a midwife patient with my history. NO. I ALWAYS SEE HIM. He is the one I trust. Why is that so hard to figure out. Was my papers and referral written by the midwife. Umm no, it was written by my dr. The only appt I will have with the midwives is at 5 weeks and if he is gone on vacation.
I still don't want to go tomorrow. I don't know why I am so leary. I don't know why I am so scared. It's just a post op appt. But it is a post op appt on my baby that died. Some days I wonder how I will ever go through the day. Today is easier than the first day. I cried for 4-5 days nonstop. I didn't get out of bed literally. I have never been like that. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually it will lead me to the path into the sunlight. I keep thinking I am very lucky. I know I can conceive fast. I have two very successful pregnancies. It can be done. My chances of miscarriage are the same as any other woman.
Let's hope that I am the 18th woman on my June board to be knocked up.