Tuesday, March 25, 2008

You guessed it...

No work for me today. When it came time for me to get up and actually go to work this morning. It didn't happen. Way too much pain. Way too tired. I ended up taking another dose at 545am and going back to sleep. I just woke up and am feeling a little better. Bleeding slowed down, so must be going away. Hopefully it will follow the usual trend and be gone in 2 days completely. Then the exciting wait begins. Except it is not as exciting as it once was when you were trying to make a baby. At least I do know EXACTLY where I stand in the cycle. So hopefully my lining is really strong.

I had the strangest thing happen to me in the wee hours of the morning. Now let me preface this with a warning. I am not a crazy lady. I do believe in miracles. I do believe in a higer being. I do believe in ghosts. Ok, now that has been said. I was laying in bed in the dark. I was praying. Please let us have a healthy, happy, and sticky baby. Please let that baby get to term. Please let me get pregnant asap. Please take care of my girls and dh and let them be healthy and happy. Please let me have a healthy pregnancy. Then I started thinking a bit about the baby that I lost. I thought about how I never actually saw that baby move on US. Not once. Which was odd because my girls even at 7 & 9 weeks were zooming around in that wide open space. I thought about how I had seen the heartbeat, but never actually heard it. I had been a bit anxiety ridden yesterday. Probably because of AF really turning up the heat on me. All of a sudden I felt very very calm. I was laying there on my left side. Near my right ear I heard a whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh for a minute. I wasn't scared because I know I was the only one in the house. I tried to think how did that sound get there. It seemed like a sound that only I would hear. It had been a long time (since Sara was born) that I had heard that sound, but I instantly recognized it. I thought at the time, oh that is my baby's heartbeat. Except there is no baby. There is no rational reason for that sound to have occured at that particular time. I also felt all of a sudden that I would get pregnant quickly (this wasn't a hoping and wishing kind of thing) and that everything would be ok. I don't know. Maybe it's a coinky dink. Maybe it was mind playing games on me. I guess we'll find out later on how it all plays out. I just wanted to get it in writing today so that I can look back when I feel panic or anxiety and see it.

So what does that leave me to do for today since I am feeling a bit better and the med is now working. I think I am going to go back to sleep for a bit more. Finish cleaning up my room, the bathroom, and Sara's room. Run the clothes up into the closet that I pulled that were 2t and label that box in the attic. Vacummn the upstairs and the stairway. Call it a day till tonight. Then tonight clean the living room and kitchen. Use the carpet cleaner to clean the carpets in there since the girls will be gone and not walking on it. Will use carpet cleaner today to clean upstairs carpets. I have to bake the cake for Kirsten's birthday. Oh and Kirsten has violin today too. ACKKK. I have to check and see if she has Girl Scouts. If she does, I'll run by BJ's and pick up cupcakes for her to take to Girl Scouts. Crap I just remembered. I need to send in a snack for her birthday at school too! I'll tell her to ask at school tomorrow. I have been so disorganized since the miscarriage. I hope that is normal!

It's funny, 9 years ago today, I was in the hospital blissfully unaware of how sick I was. On the 26th, that all came crashing down. I'll never forget the dr coming into my room and saying we must terminate this pregnancy immediately. Never asked me what I thought. Never explained what was going to happen. Just terminate. I thought at the time, I am not terminating ANYTHING. Why use that term. It kind of stings now even years later. The day I was admitted to L&D from antepartum. At midnight, was admitted to the MICU part. It doesn't hurt as much as it did 9 years ago. I'm not as angry at my ob who royally screwed up my care. I am very grateful to the drs that did take care of me at the hospital who recognized I was one very sick girlie. I still feel very grateful to that young British anesthesiologist who sat with me for hours. I feel bad for the women that didn't get epidurals because she was busy watching me and translating everything for me. It doesn't outweigh the gratefulness of that young dr. I often wonder where she is now. I was the ONLY one to get an epidural that night out of several women that were in labor. Trust me, there were a lot of them begging for one. They just simply said soon and those women were pass the point to get them.

On my loss board, there are two wonderful women that live very close to me!! Only about 30-40 minutes. We have all had losses very close together. We have decided we are going to meet for lunch or coffee in about 2 weeks. I am SO excited. These women have been such a huge support to me. I have not told dh yet, because I know he will freak. The other women's dhs feel the same. I am meeting them in a public place. As one woman put it to her dh, it is an awful lot of effort to be able to post everything and the tmi for a miscarriage for it to be a crazy or a 12 year old boy goofing off.

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