Saturday, March 1, 2008

Thank God for March

Oh I am so happy it is now March and the terrible month of February is over with. Hopefully with March comes spring and a new beginning. I desparately need a new beginning. Last week, my sil took Kirsten to her dance class as I was still in the hospital getting pit and fluids from the D&C. When my sil brought Kirsten, another mom I am friends with asked where we were. My sil told, well I am sorry to say this but Sabrina lost the baby yesterday and is in the hospital right now. She should be getting discharged soon. My friend told her "well she knew it was high risk anyway". Yeah, high risk at the end, NOT in the beginning. Those few little words broke my heart. Because of it, I havn't taken Kirsten to any of her daily activities where I would run into my friends irl. I just couldn't bear it. Poor dh has been Mr. Mom all week. He has been getting a little taste of what I do everyday. He got to be Girl Scout mom on Thursday night. The friend above is the leader.

So last night I decided I had to face everyone and take Kirsten to dance. When I got there, the room was full of moms waiting for the classes to change. My friend who is ALWAYS late was early. She was waiting for me. She came up to me and told me how sorry she was. She said she felt awful because she had said something to my sil that she couldn't forgive herself for saying. It had been a thoughtless comment and she didn't mean it. I told her I didn't know what she was talking about and that it was ok. Of course, I promptly lost it again. She lost it. You had two grown women bawling outside of dance. She had had a missed miscarriage. The kind where you lose the baby very early and you think you are just late for a period. She said she could never imagine having a second trimester loss like me. She asked me what happened and through both our tears I told her. She said she had already let our other circle of friends know and she hoped it was ok. She was worried someone would ask me and then I would have to say what happened. She said she hadn't called nor anyone else because they just didn't know what to say. She wanted me to let her know if I needed anything. She also wanted to drag me out of the house last night to attend the kids penny carnival at the school. Kirsten had made plans to stay the night with a friend.

Yesterday my dh's aunt died of cancer. She was my favorite out of all his aunts. I remember we were soooo stressed when we bought our house several years ago. She called up and said we needed to come over, cook out, and do some swimming. We did. She always made me feel better and had such a kind way about her. In a month, it will be Easter. Kathy's favorite thing to do is hold an annual Easter egg hunt at her house for all her grandchildren. Every year since Kirsten was 2, she always included my girls and treated them as her own. None of the other nieces and nephews were invited. There are a LOT of them on dh's side of the family. Every year, my girls have been. Sara's too young to know, but Kirsten remembers. This year will be so sad because she is gone. I doubt that dh's uncle will uphold the tradition. Today is calling hours. I had planned to go. I want to go and say goodbye. I can't bring myself to do it. There has just been too much sadness for me in the last 2 weeks. I can't face all of our family and friends at the calling hours. Everyone knows by now what happened with me. I will surely lose it if someone says that maybe Kathy is watching my baby now. As much as I know that Kathy would love my baby as much as her own. I still want my baby back here on earth. It does give some very very small comfort to know that my baby was waiting for Kathy. Maybe that is why God took the baby so early from us. So I have decided to not attend. I know Kathy would understand and if she were here, she would come running over and give me a hug and a squeeze to let me know it is ok.

So on the first day of March, we are off to new beginnings.

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