Saturday, March 15, 2008

My mother, do you want her???

My mother and I have NEVER been close. I am the complete opposite of her. When growing up I was more the parent than the child. We have never shared secrets. I tell her what I want her to know. I am still pissed off at her when we told her our news she treated me like I was 15 and said WAS THIS PLANNED? What difference did it make. It was a baby that was coming. Whether it was planned or not had no bearing and I told her so. I didn't speak to her for several weeks. Then the Monday before I found out, I finally picked up the phone and called her. It was ok.

That conversation now stings seeing we lost the baby. I didn't call any of my family. I have no idea what he said. He called my mother and told her the baby had no heartbeat. My mother refuses refuses to give me my space. Once again she is making assumptions. She immediately told my dh that I needed to see a pyschiatrist!!! WTF? I have decided that I don't need to speak to her right now because she is guaranteed to make me angry. I'm not comfortable discussing this with her and it will not be discussed with her.

So what does she do? She goes and enlists the help of my inlaws who don't know how to mind their own business when it comes to my mom. They feel sorry for her. They have no idea what and how my childhood was like. I make absolutely sure I am the complete opposite with my girls. So my inlaws stop by. Your mother called us today. She is very worried. We are worried. You need to call her. I told them it was not up for discussion and I don't want to talk with her right now. The conversation was dropped. I did tell them that I saw my ob yesterday and he said I was ok. If my ob has not certified me as loony tune yet, then neither can my mother or inlaws.

GEEZ, it has only been 3 1/2 weeks. Give me my space. Let me talk with those that I know will say the right things and care. I have discussed this very little with people irl. I have found a bunch of solace and understanding among internet groups that are geared for pregnancy and infant loss. That is fine with me. I have met some truly wonderful and inspiring people. One girl. Love her. Instant friends. She has had three miscarriages and 6 live children. She has had two miscarriages in a row. Last one being last month. She told one girl who was very low that day that she couldn't lose hope. She needed to hold on to that. If she lost hope, then she would pick it up and hope for her. How beautiful is that?? My mother does not understand that or me. Never has. Give me space mom and when I am ready I will pick up the phone and call you. Of course now she is going to be playing the poor me syndrome. Then if she finds out I am pregnant again (when that happens), she will be calling me every single freaking day and driving me nuts.

Those that I want to talk to about it, I know who they are, they know who they are. I hate that people sit there and try and tell me how to feel, think, or do. To me, I lost a child. It was a child before it was ever conceived for me. You don't forget about a child that quick. I wouldn't ask them to forget about dad or grandpa that passed away. The only difference is that I never got to hold my baby, I never got to see my baby, and I don't have those memories of the baby that they do. At least they have something to hold onto. All I have is 13 1/2 beautiful weeks.

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