Sunday, September 28, 2008

Another PE post

So I have been thinking for the last few days. I guess these are just some random thoughts. I have been reflecting back to when Kirsten was born. How the ob that I had (belgian) just blew off everything and the military drs were doing all they could to flag their attention. I remember numerous trips to L&D that was an hour away. I only had one L&D trip with Sara. I remember thinking everyone was saying how sick I was. You know I just didn't feel THAT sick. I still remember lying in L&D in the area that was the MICU for labor patients that were really really sick. I remember no one being allowed in to see me. I remember how the room was kept as unstimulated as possible. How the room was kept dark. How my dh didn't say much. There wasn't the jovial celebration that you see on a Baby Story. In fact, there was no tv in my room at all. There was a nurse that stayed with us quietly doing stuff in the corner. Funny how I thought that was normal for every mom.

I worry about this time. I am not so worried about getting sick or being on mag anymore. According to my peri, it's a given. So I guess I have made my peace with that. You will get mag and it will suck but you have had it before and was ok afterwards. I guess I worry about my girls and dh. It was very important for me this time (as it has been each time), that we have that family time after the baby is born. I want the girls to be the first ones beside me and dh to see the new baby. I don't want anyone else to see the baby till we have that time together. Dh has an issue with this. He says how can we ask grandparents to watch the girls but then make them wait to see the baby? I tell him how upset I was that I didn't get to see that moment when Kirsten saw Sara. I didn't get that first moment of seeing their first baths or bottles. This time I do. Then I think, I may (ok most likely) be on mag. Do I want the girls to see me on Mag. Do I want them to carry the image of a really sick mom on mag. What about when they have THEIR babies and remember that. So many thoughts and feelings. No one but dh saw how sick I was with Kirsten because we lived overseas. I really do think I still want the time with the girls. I plan on asking my ob and pcp when it gets to be about that time to please allow them in to see me. I know they will be worried.

Another thing I worry about is how bad will it get? Will I be thrown in the ICU? I remember my ob with Sara saying he could always throw me in the ICU if I was bad enough. I think how scary is that? If I am in the ICU, the girls can not see me. I worry about dh. He was so worried with Kirsten. That was the first time I had ever seen him cry. He really really thought I was dying. Well I never thought I was THAT sick till I got my records. It was like OMG, no one ever told me how sick I had been. I guess the good news is how my peri put it. They will be watching me very carefully. They know it's coming. The good news is it hits later rather than early. So maybe if it is taken care of earlier, I won't get as sick. I have decided as much as I always wanted 4, this is our last. I can't put our family through this again. It's too hard.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Pe and the Brewer's Diet

Oh for God's sakes how does this diet continue to proliferate expecting boards and midwive circles? I just don't get it. When you have a body that already is compromised with impaired kidney function and it can't process the protein that it already has. Please tell me how MORE protein will help? Oh but my midwife told me it will....... Drs don't know anything. Honestly, do yourself a favor and don't count on some stupid diet to save your life that was from 40 years ago and has NEVER EVER been able to be replicated. Seriously. Can you find ONE study that has been able to replicate the Brewer's Diet? Is that why ALL the MFMs and perinatologists are running to it and saying please do this diet? No. NONE of them recommend it. Yes while pregnant you should eat healthy. If you are going to get pe, you are going to get it. No diet in the world is going to help you. Yet this diet continues to proliferate itself over and over. I cringe when I see oh I am doing the Brewer diet and my midwife says she nevers see PE when this diet is done. Honey, that's because midwives deal with LOW RISK women. Low risk women typically don't get PE. If you have PE and you are seeing a midwife, you better get your butt to an OB. Preferably a MFM or peri. I have nothing against midwives. There are lovely midwives in my ob's office. They are wonderful and do low risk interventions for birth. For me, I need someone that went to med school as I am high risk. There is a reason that a midwife has to have an ob back her up. I had one poster tell me that I should see a NP or a midwife because they know more than ob. Then a few posts later she told me that she was a midwife apprentice. The next thing was a question on protein and kidneys. ACK.

For God's sakes, please stop telling me that if you take calcium and magnesium you won't get it either. I can't tell you how many posts I see that say magnesium prevents pe. No dear you have it wrong. Magnesium sulfate (a drug that is given by IM or IV and is a combined med) is given to prevent SEIZURES. They are not the same as magnesium off the shelf in your local health food store.

I can't tell you how much it burns my butt to see these types of posts. If you don't get it a second time, it's because you are one of the lucky ones to never have it in a second pregnancy. So my question to all these I am doing the Brewer's Diet and it is going to prevent it blah blah blah, what happens if you get it again? What happens if you get it worse because you took in MORE protein and your already compromised kidneys could not handle it? Whose fault is it then? I just hope no woman dies because of it.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Ramblings about PE

So I have had a few days to think about what my peri said. Several things have stuck with me. I asked dh if he understood it to be the same. He said yes and that no I did not take it wrong or overreact. With the notching and resistance in the cord, I am going to be sick. There wasn't the oh you have a chance of not getting it. Look on the bright side there is a 30% chance you won't have it. It was you will get it based on history and notching. That sucks. It sucks because I know what I am in for. I only hope that I am far enough along to deliver a healthy baby. I don't want to be that mom in the NICU. I don't want to go to a university hospital. Sure everything is fine right now. Things got downright hairy with Sara and Kirsten. It isn't the norm to have your ob say I was so worried that you would call in the middle of the night and say you siezed or something. How about you don't have any idea how worried I was about you. At the time I thought hmm, he was overreacting. Over time I have been with my ob now for over 4 1/2 years. I know he doesn't take things lightly. He is not one too over worry or stress out. So for him to say that is a big thing.

It seems my appt with him on the second is a very very long way off. I have lots of questions now that I have done my research. I would agree with my peri's opinion. 40-60% chance of pe or pih added to a 75% chance of pe from the notching equals to a greater than 100% chance of it recurring again. She has over 25 years of experience. I guess I am not so worried about actual delivery or being in the hospital or even being on mag. I guess what I am worried about is a premature baby, seizing, knowing that my kidneys and liver could possibly fail. I know my ob has told me more than once, if I get that sick again, he would throw me in the ICU. I guess part of my problem is that I had high hopes of being the one that would sail through a third pregnancy. That I would be the one that got to be in Walmart and have their water break. That I would be the one to actually have a normal birth experience where you get to go in at term and have your baby. Instead, I'll get to be the one that the nurses (and/or doctors if it is not past 35 weeks) get to learn off of since I will be that rare case that comes in. I'll be the one that they will panic and worry about. I want to be the one that gets to laugh and eat ice chips in labor, not throwing up from the mag and feeling like death warmed over. I'm hoping that when I see my ob on the 2nd that he'll have some optimism (he is usually an optimistic guy). I'm sure my peri put it all in her report. The worst of it is to know what is to come and then have some jackass family member say that A) you knew what you were getting into so why are you even surprised B) that we deserve it (who deserves worrying about their health or their spouse's health and their baby's health? C) gloss it over and saying you are overdramatic.

I worry how the girls will be. I so wanted us to have family time after the baby was born for a little while. If I am magged I am not even sure they would be allowed in. When I was very sick with Kirsten, I was allowed no visitors except dh. Do I really want them to see me looking like death warmed over and bruised from constant needle pokes or the severe pe because my clotting is off? Should we wait to see them till I am off of it? I'm not so worried about the my health part of it as I know my ob is awesome and will be on top of everything. I mean the man stayed in the recovery room with me when I had the d&c when I lost the baby. He also stayed the night when Sara was born (he didn't get any sleep as there are constant references throughout my file that the nurses had made Dr. XXXX aware of my bp). It's just that it sucks plain and simple and it shouldn't be THAT hard. Many women can go and pop their babies out, why can't I?

I think I am going to call the peri's office on Monday and find out what my resistance index (RI) was. I wonder if I call and ask that question if they will think I am a complete nut or nerd. I mean how many of their patients show up in the office knowing what notching on a uterine artery means? Very few. At least that is what I got from the tech. I wish I had done some research on uterine notching before going in to my peri so I would have known the right questions to ask and could have looked at the US better. You can bet I will at my 28 week appt.

I also saw the look on the other tech's face when she was looking at my US. I am pretty sure she was looking at it as it was the uterine doppler study that was brought up with the absent flow. She had a really concerned look on her face. Kind of wondered at the time why they were all checking it out? Her look when she looked at the US and then looked at me in the exam room said it all and it has stuck with me since Thursday. I also wondered how often they saw that type of abnormal US. The tech said they only did 3-4 of those a month. So if they do only 3-4 a month. They deal exclusively in US and high risk pregnancies. Well you get the picture.

We have told very few people about the US results. Mainly because we don't want to hear from family we told you so. I know if we told the inlaws, they would say we were making it out more than it needed to be (this is from the woman that has been going on and on that sil can go into sudden death you know). Then my family being on the opposite side of the spectrum and calling every second wondering if I had siezed yet? Friends in real life can not comprehend it because you are the one percent in the one-eight percent that have had pe. Which is a really really small population. Pregnancy boards online have no idea as they can't comprehend it or you are the scary horror story that they all worry so much that will happen to them.

I worry that maybe we pushed our luck to far this time. Could we possibly be the exception and be lucky a third time? Maybe maybe if we hadn't of loss a baby at 13 1/2 weeks with something as random as a severe kidney infection and fly, we would feel that immunity or optimism. The sad part of that reality is that it happened once before, why not now. There is no guarantee. You can't look at it and say hey there is only a 2% chance of this happening again or most women that have pe go on and have healthy babies. The reality is you have already been the unlucky one to beat those odds. Not once. Not twice, but several times. One of the unlucky 5% to have lost a baby after 12 weeks. One of the unlucky ones to have been one of the 1% chance of the 1-8% chance to have had severe pe. So it's a bit hard to optimistic knowing you have that nagging doubt in your head. Don't worry, I am still optimistic for 37 weeks and no pe, but I also know my reality. Maybe I should start buying lottery tickets, you never know.

So I guess my plan for now is to make up my huge list of questions for my ob. Once I get those questions answered and see what my peri wrote in her consultation and what his take on it is, I need to make an appt to specifically discuss the baby with our family doctor. There are certain things I want to be able to do this time. I want to give that first bottle. I want some bonding time with the baby before she is whisked off to the nursery to be put on monitors. Fine, wheel me in there. Throw the bags of mag and bp meds onto a wheelchair and let me see her in her first hours of life. I'm sure I can work something out between the docs. I guess she will need to talk with my ob about the delivery of this baby as well so she knows it is on the horizon.

For now, focus on that this baby is healthy, she is a girl, and that for now things are ok. Take comfort in that I have good drs that know what they are doing. I just hope that when I head back into my ob's office that the nurses are not looking at me like I am an alien. He has new ones now from when Sara was born. He just needs to bring in the old ones for just for me. Have a new nurse work the triage phone. Well I feel better now that I have gotten that all out. Now off to Dell to price a new laptop for the bedrest that is sure to come.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Peri Appointment Today

Well there is good news and bad news.

The bad news:

My shellfish allergy has nothing to do with being pregnant and is permanent. This alone makes me want to cry. I would give up chocolate to be able to eat shellfish. I have decided after this baby is born, I am seeing an allergist to find out how bad it really is and to make sure I can never eat it again.

The baby has notching (mild) on the right uterine artery. I thought something was wrong because she had a lot of trouble with it. However, the other US tech and my peri confirmed it. My peri told me that combined with my history that means I will definitely have issues whether it be PIH or PE. Most likely PE. However, I have been through it before. She told me I have excellent doctors and that they would be aggressive in managing me and would be watching me like a hawk. They know that I am more at risk. She didn't go into all of the whole notching thing with me. I know some about it. I know it is an increased risk because the placenta doesn't get enough bloodflow. From the research that I did today, she must have seen the notching and saw a higher resistance index. So I need to ask my ob what the resistance index was. Or maybe I'll call and ask them how high the resistance index was. The good news is it was only the right side and the left side looked great. If it was bilateral it would be much much worse. She said her hope was to get me to 35 weeks to deliver with my dr at my hospital. My hopes are much higher, oh say 37 weeks or maybe God willing 40 weeks. My girls were a good size, so she is hoping this baby will be too. She is pleased that my ob cut my work in Buffalo to only 3 days a week stick with that for now. I told her I had planned to be able to go out on leave at 26ish weeks because that is when they said I would probably go out on bedrest. I was all set up for it. She said GREAT. So it looks like this baby will probably be coming in early January. I hope not. I want to stay pregnant as long as possible. My bp was 122/74 in the office. My ob and I have a LOT to discuss in 2 weeks. I will be making my list for him. She said the good news was, I am not advanced maternal age (hooray, yeah I only made that cutoff by 2 months), I am not diabetic. These are very good things. She asked about protein when Kirsten and Sara was born. I told her with Sara it was hit or miss. Trace here, negative here, 1+ here. Negative at delivery by dipstick. With Kirsten it was over 5000 mgs. She said Kirsten was definitely severe preeclampsia. I said that's what my paperwork says. She said with my history and the notching I will definitely get sick. It just depends when. However, I knew this before getting pregnant. I also have excellent doctors. We will prepare for it and be ready.

The good news:

Baby is very healthy and active.

This baby is a GIRL. Yep. Can you believe it? No MS or anything with this one. She is a girl. I could not believe it.

So that's about it. I go back to the peri at 28 weeks on 11/21/08. I will see her every two weeks till 32 weeks. Then I will see her every week till delivery. We will be doing kick counts, bpps, nsts, doppler blood flow studies, etc. I'm not sure when biweekly or weekly appts will take place with my ob. I imagine he'll start seeing me weekly at 26-28 weeks. I am going to see if he would do extra nst because Sara was fine the day before and the next day had decels. So that worries me. Fun times are here again.

Monday, September 15, 2008


So I am now 18 weeks 3 days. I have no idea how the time is flying by so fast. I wish it would slow down. Right now things are ok. My bps have gone down with rest, 2 days wah, and doubling the meds. I am getting wierd readings like 96/60 or 96/74. Then I also get readings like 119/88. So from one spectrum to another. I am going to print out my log for my peri appt on Thursday and see what she says. Speaking of my appt Thursday, I am anxious, nervous, excited all wrapped up in one. Is that possible? I'm excited to see how much the baby has grown and to find out the gender. I am terrified that something will be wrong. That it is too good to be true. I am nervous to find out what the plan is. DH said to tell my docs that if this one is ok, no more. We are not putting anymore of their kids through college lol. He joked that's why the doctors ok'd us getting pregnant again with our history. Dh has also decreed 2/1 as a NO BABY day. Umm yeah, that will be exactly the day that the baby will come silly. That's because it is Superbowl Sunday. So now he has decried, hmm, ok baby born that morning. Thinking he can take the girls to his parents, I'll be in the hospital with new baby, and he'll be home by himself to watch the superbowl. Um, yeah. Not happening buddy.

So I spilled to a coworker at work that I was preggo today. Lots of people wondering. No one asking except the one nosy coworker. I don't plan to tell her EVER. We have SO many new people at work. I am like the only one that is in the office besides my boss that is old there. My one coworker that has been there since June asked me if I had made the list. I told her no. I was out by a couple of weeks of time in grade. She said no way. I said yep. I am pissed because they made a waiver for R. for education. L was given a position when I was out on maternity leave with Sara. Yet, you claim hands off when it is me. She said that is SO wrong. I said I am done. I am not training any employee. My job description does not call for it. I am and I expect to be treated like anyone else there. I intend to follow my drs advice and go out on leave or fulltime WAH even if everything is going swimingly. I would rather be cautious than too little too late. I have yet decided if my laptop is coming on maternity leave with me. She said she couldn't believe it. She asked me if they were going to reannounce the job and I said I don't think so. I have not discussed anything with future boss nor planned to. I was serious when I said I was done. For years, I have done the crappy jobs that no one wanted to do, the hard stuff that people were too lazy to do, handled the crises, and covered for people. For some reason, current boss has thought it was ok to just crap all over me. It proved it when all of a sudden she decided to not be involved. I feel a lot better since I made that decision. Course the coworker I spilled to is now freaking out knowing I won't be around for the busy season. Ooops.

So now it is getting through the next three days before the big US.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Lots happening...

Well I had my ob appt on Thursday. Gained 5 lbs. EEEK. Good Charleston food huh. Bp was ok at 123/88. He said my log was better than it had been. I said much better considering those high numbers before were me laying flat on my back. These new numbers were me running around. He measured my stomach. I felt like I had passed a goal where I get my stomach measured. Hooray!!! He said everything look good. As far as 24 hour urines, we won't be doing those unless my bp goes wonky again or I start dipping protein. So keep your fingers crossed. He's going to see me in 4 weeks. I see the peri in 2. So I think between the 2 of them, I'll be seeing someone every 2 weeks. YIKES. Oh and I almost passed out in the office. I had to ask about how to come off the prometrium and waited to ask him. When he came out to get me in the waiting room, I went to stand up and almost passed out. I had to sit back down. He said WHOA. I said I'm ok and got back up again. The prometrium I am weaning off of. He said he didn't think it would do preterm labor. Well guess what happened today? Started contracting at 9am. YIKES. Called him. He told me off my feet and drink drink drink. They finally stopped at 230. Thank God, they were freaking me out.

Work SUCKS. I can't wait to go out on maternity leave. When I last wrote, I had missed the referral list by a few weeks. In fact, my bosses COULD reannounce it so I could make the list. Well it doesn't look like they are going to do that. My current boss says on one hand I should be pissed. On the other hand I should be a good sport about it. Yeah, NOT. I got the feeling that she is not telling me something. Meaning I was never going to get it. Which is fine, because I have already told them to teach all of these new people themselves. I am NOT doing it. Why should I have to train people that get paid more than me? I mean for 8 years I have busted my tail there. I have constantly trained people higher in grade than me. I have constantly picked up the slack of correcting other people's work and everything. They have me out supervising and shadowing other employees. I said I am done. I am not doing this anymore. I refuse to bust my tail and not get anything for it. It cemented me looking for another position. This agency is the most immoral whacked out place and I am not doing it for longer than I have to. Now please don't let me be there 1o years from now. I see the peri in 2 weeks and I am going to ask her when I should plan on going out of work. I think I am just going to go out on leave and not return till May. LOL. That will give them 6 months to work it. I'm just done. I care, but not enough to bust my tail.

Last, please give your prayers to dh's aunt and uncle's family. We got the sad news that she passed this morning. Her family needs all the prayers that they can get. They were a pretty close family and she was the glue that held them together. I hope she sees Aunt K and Peyton up there. It's one more auntie to help with Peyton.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Prayers needed...

Dh's aunt has advanced liver cancer and is not expected to live past a few more weeks. If you could say some prayers for his aunt's family. She has 4 kids aged 21-40. She has grandchildren aged 4-8. Dh's other aunt had rectal cancer and fought for several years with it before she passed on Feb 29th. This aunt that now needs all the prayers she can get decided not to go through all of that. She tried a couple variations of chemo, none of them successful. She decided to end all treatment about a month ago. She is now hospitalized and awaiting a room at the local hospice. She doesn't want to die at home or at the hospital. I was very near tears today because she gathered all of her children around and told them how sorry she was that she wouldn't be around much longer. Her children, grandchildren, and husband love her immensely. I can't imagine how hard that was for her to do that. So please pray that her passing is as easy and peaceful as possible and that her children, grandchildren, and husband are surrounded by as much love and support as possible.

I'm back!

I'm back from vacation. Let me say what a BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL very traditional wedding it was. We were late by about 15 minutes because there was supposed to be a second trolley for pick up. Well they cancelled it and FORGOT to tell us. So we ended up taking a carta bus, which went all over downtown Charleston. UGH. Then I remembered it was a catholic wedding and those take forever. HOORAY. The girls absolutely enjoyed and loved loved the beach and pool. My non beach loving husband wants to come every year. We took tons of pics. We rode a carriage ride, did a boat harbor tour, and went to the aquarium (which thrilled Sara to death). I got my two paintings that I wanted.

We also saw my mother. When my sister called and told her we were in town, she DEMANDED several times to know where we were at. I refused to tell her and so did my sister. She didn't seem to understand the concept of PRIVATE FAMILY TIME. If I had told her, she would have came and parked her butt in my hotel room 24 hours a day. NOT HAPPENING. Plus she would have told my other sister who would have stalked us. My sister tried to tell her to take the time that we were here as an opportunity and to embrace it and not complain about everything in her life. That meant no money, no dealing with her numerous health issues, blah blah blah. Upon hearing that we were in town, she immediately started bawling and hung up the phone on my sister. Then she called my sister back saying how wonderful a mother she was (um yeah if you call mental, physical, and emotional abuse a great mother, then she was mother of the year). Then she started in on she didn't know WHY I was so angry and upset with her. Umm let's see. You took the worst moments of my life and made it so much more worse than it had to be. Not only did I have to deal with the death of our baby. I had to deal with you running your mouth all over town about how I was suicidal, severely depressed and needed to immediately see a psychiatrist. You had not EVEN talked with me. How the hell would you know. You made it seem like it was wrong for us to be sad and grieve our baby. You took that away from us. You treated me like I was a 16 year old that had done something wrong when you found out we were pregnant. So yeah, I had EVERY right to be angry and upset. She kept saying over and over how could I just not tell her we were coming??? Boy she must be living in a total freaking fantasy land. Then my sister said there was another thing. I was 4 months pregnant. Which made her even more hysterical. Yet when my niece hopped onto the phone, she immediately dropped the hysterical crying act and was ok. WTF. My sister said it was ALL an act. It kind of made my mom look like an ass when I was 4 months pregnant and looking pretty happy. my sister told her she needed to make a sincere apology for how she acted after we lost the baby. She did several times. I guess I should be happy that she apologized. I got the feeling that she just did it to clear the air and because it was what I wanted. Not that she was truly sorry for what she did. She was truly sorry for the aftereffects. So we met her for breakfast. She saw the girls. Then we were to meet at a local downtown hotel for my cousin's wedding, except we missed the trolley.

Then at the wedding my other sister was there (she is totally crazy, bipolar, and is a social misfit, and drug addict). My girls have NO idea who she even is. I wouldn't talk to her cause I can't stand her. I certainly don't want her near my kids. Anyway, because we were late, we ended up on the other side of the church away from my family. HA HA HA. My one sister was mad because she wanted to be on my side, lol. At the reception, there was a cocktail hour inside the museum. My crazy sister in the bathroom comes up to my 3 year old and says do you know who I am? I was thinking um NO SHE DOESN'T AND IT IS STAYING THAT WAY. Of course Sara looks at her like uh no crazy lady I don't. We ignore her. She then tells this woman that she is my child's aunt. This poor woman that was attending the wedding is like trying to make small talk. She asked her if we lived far apart and that's why Sara didn't know her. My sister mumbled yeah something like that. So anyway we get out of the bathroom quick. As we are coming back, my sister is bringing back name plates. Aww how cute. Till we realized that my aunt had split us up ( THANK YOU). My sister and her family were up front with the family table as were we. My mother and other sister were ALL the way in the back at the LAST table. OMG. It was like WWIII had started. My mom was pissed. She thought we had something to do with it. We didn't. Last my sister and I had read in email was bridal party and immediate family would be at assigned seating. Everyone else would be casual. She shot daggers all night and said well it looks like we are at the reject table. That was not the case. What actually happened was my teenaged cousins got put at a different table than their parents. They put my mom and sister (she was with my mom because she doesn't know how to act in social situations and they were worried she would act out) with table of people they didn't know what to do with. In fact, my great uncle was at the SAME table. See my parents divorced when I was 6. My father died when I was 9. Ever since my mother has bad mouthed my father's entire family. When my grandmother died and left us a very very small inheritance ($3k and crazy sister got $6k because my grandmother said she needed more), she had her hand out expecting us to give her money. She is just so negative. So WHY on earth would she think that she is a part of my father's family? She expects to be invited to ALL family functions. Yet, she is NOT part of the family and bad mouths them. So anyway at the end of the night, they left at 10pm. When they left, I invited her to the aquarium with us on Monday.

On Monday, she calls my one sister and says she doesn't know HOW to get there. Is she smoking crack? She has been there several times and there are signs all over the interstate and downtown on how to get there. My sister told her she could not ride with her. Somehow she made it and was early. She behaved well for the aquarium. So then I invited her for lunch. We went to California Dreaming. After that we wanted alone time for our last afternoon/night in the hotel. She still wanted to hang with us. She asked my sister if she was doing anything afterwards with us. One it was not any of her business. Two she wasn't. I said no and left it at that. I swear if we were, she would have totally invited herself along. I seriously thought she was going to pop up at the airport this morning. Maybe she did and I didn't see her. Anyway, when we left the restaurant, she apologized again. Ok I get it. It's still really hard to forgive and forget. I tried to do a google search on forgiving and forgetting what she did. I am really trying to be the bigger person. It's hard. I have a lot of resentment from my childhood from her. What she did after we lost the baby reinforced and reaffirmed everything I felt. I mean your mom is supposed to be there for you no matter what. She's supposed to love and nurture you. She's supposed to be the one that you can turn to. I don't have that and never will. As much as I would LOVE a mom like that, it will never ever happen. My mother has always put herself first before she did us. She received money for us from SS and yet we never saw a penny of it. She told us everyday how much she hated having kids and wished that we had never been born. It was because of US that her life was so awful. So I am trying to read up on the forgiving and forgetting thing. I think I can probably forgive her. I don't want to be a person consumed with anger. However, I don't think I can ever forget it. It would be more of she will know only what I tell her and nothing more. Kept at arm's length. Very sad.

So anyway, back to the pleasant parts of our trip. We just had a lot of fun being a family. My family so enjoyed the beach. I definitely recommend the Holiday Inn Hotel at Folly Beach, SC. It has a pool oceanside. The pier is right next to it. There is a volley ball court there on the beach. Poolside bar. Entertainment every night. Kids eat free. Every room is ocean front. How can you go wrong? Even Sara started BAWLING this morning when she saw us packing. She told us we couldn't go and she loved the beach.

Oh and back to my cousin's wedding. The dinner part was outside. Charleston ironwork lanterns lit the path to the garden area where a big white tent with candles was errected. The dj played Carolina beach music. It was absolutely breathtaking and beautiful. My neice and Sara were best of friends. I can't believe how much Chloe is just like my sister. CUTE.

Oh and my aunt in PA and I have decided that we will never ever ever live in Charleston again. It's too crowded, too packed, too much. We both love our nice quiet rural small town lives in NY and PA. It's nice to visit oh every 4-5 years.