Monday, March 3, 2008

Back to the grindstone

Well I can't put it off any longer. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I am terrified and mortified all at the same time. I feel like I will be the one with the scarlett letter when I go back. It was unfortunate but a coworker of mine is such a loudmouth. She told everyone in my agency that I was pregnant. Now I am sure she has told everyone that I lost the baby as well. I am terrified that I will break down and start crying. I know it is going to happen. I can't help it. I keep thinking I SHOULD STILL BE PREGNANT. Sadly I am not. Time seems to move so slowly. Why can't it move faster for me? Why does it seem like this has been the longest two weeks of my life. Dh says the sooner I get back to work, the faster that time will pass, and the quicker it will be when my body returns to normal.

I was devestated to find out that two women on my June babies board are expecting again. I am happy for them. I just wish I was in that group too. I have no idea when I can try again as I have not yet stopped bleeding from the D&C. I still get very tired from just being up with the girls. I am guessing from changing hormones and the amount of blood I loss afterwards when I started hemmoraging. Ugggh, I had never seen so much blood in all my life. I have so many people rooting for me. I just wish I knew when. What if it doesn't happen right away again and I spend months and months trying. What if it does happen for me and then I lose the baby again.

Dh came home and told me that he has to take two business trips for a week each time. One is at the end of March and another in April. I pray, pray, pray that none of these trips are during ovulation time.

I need a lot of luck and love for tomorrow. It's a first going back.


tafkalorelei said...

Good luck tomorrow. Hope that the day passes by with ease. (((hugs)))

studio4moms said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I can hear the heart & hurt in your words. I am guessing the people at work won't know what to say and nothing will sound just right if they say anything, or give much solace. Even saying nothing doesn't feel right or good.
Time is the healer & support of family and friends.
Nothing is going to feel right for a while but the first step is to work on your health. Our physical health definitely influences our mental health and visa versa. The physical health is where you can actively start.
In my prayers, studio4moms, Barb