Friday, March 21, 2008

Big Whine Ahead (feel free to skip)

Ugggh. Ok first order of business. 1st Response and dollar store tests - BFN. Ebay one, could be a really faint line (within the time limit). How do I feel? I still have sore and sensitive bbs. Not peeing as much, but enough. I swear I feel like AF is going to be here any second. I am cranky, beyond irritated, and emotional. I feel like I should be running to the bathroom to check for it. My endo is acting up some. So because of that I think I am out of the running! I have some back and lower right abdominal pain. This is where my endo is. I feel totally bloated. Not a happy camper right now.

One month ago is when I had my d&c. So I think that is part of the problem. I was lucky to get a BFP at 11 dpo last time. Why not now??? I am really upset and irritated today. I tried to find the company that I bought the tests that test at 10mIU/ml and had deleted on ebay. I didn't see any ebay auctions at 10 either. GRRRRR.

I am mad. I am mad that pe stole the middle to end of pregnancy stuff from me. I will ALWAYS worry during that time. At least, I can test my bp at home. I can test my urine at home. I can keep an eye on my symptoms. I will have a a gazillion USs and NSTs. My ob can keep an eye on my bloodwork close enough that we would notice the first sign of a change.

Miscarriage has now stolen early pregnancy from me. How can I know if things are alright? There isn't anything for me to go by. I was still having symptoms. In fact the night before the D&C, I thought on my one millionth trip to the bathroom, what a cruel joks. Still have to pee constantly and no baby. How unfair. We had seen the heartbeat twice, less than the week before. My bloodwork was fabulous. Then no heartbeat.

I am excited about getting a BFP. Really I will be. It just won't hold the same kind of naive sense that I had the last time. I won't be able to sit patiently while my dr looks for the baby and a heartbeat and believe that honestly everything is ok. My appt at 8 1/2 weeks, it literally took 20 minutes. I never once thought it wasn't there. I will probably out and out panic and cry till he finds it. Fortunately, he will look for one as long as it takes.

My peri that I loved. Well I am dreading that appt. So much so that I am willing to bring sil with me if dh has to work. I am the MOST modest person. She begged to go to USs last time with me. I wouldn't let her because I didn't want her to see my stomach. Guess what, she'll be invited. I may hold the line at mil. She still drives me crazy.

On one hand I want to shout from the rooftops when I get a positive. In reality, most people would not find out till I am about 20 weeks.

I just hate that I am in that trying to conceive club again. I was done. I had happy memories of that with peyton. Now I have new memories to make.


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