Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Lost this baby too....

It is so not fair. Why did God give me a miracle to only take it away again. I mean I wasn't happy that I wasn't pregnant, but was dealing with it. Why say not pregnant, then pregnant, then not pregnant again??? I knew I implanted late. I also read that STUPID study from the NEJM that stated that if implantation took place on the 11dpo that meant that there was an 82% chance of miscarriage. So I knew my chances were slim. WHY couldn't I be in the 18%?? My levels on Saturday were 23. I was DEFINITELY pregnant. Then yesterday they are down to 4. I had my ob's office draw the levels. I don't like being in this club. I just want one healthy baby. Just one more. Then whoever wants my uterus can HAVE it. Seriously, I am thinking of a csection hysterectomy the next time. That way NO chance of being pregnant after the baby is born. I guess I should know that by now me getting pregnant on the first or second try is NOT a fluke. I get pregnant quick. I just need to keep them in is all. The nurse said I should still see my ob on Friday. You know what I don't want to go. If all he is going to tell me is how sorry he is, I don't want to hear it. I know people don't know what to say and say they are sorry. Honestly, how sorry are they? They can not be as sorry as me. The sad part is no one knows what to say or do with me now. Dh is leaving in July and August for like 6-7 weeks so both of those months are now out. So I only have this month and next month now to get pregnant. Everyone is saying how I should just sit out a few months. I don't WANT to sit out a few months. If I sit out a few months, I have to get on some continuous BCP because the endo grows. If I get on with it and get pregnant again, it doesn't. So now I am back to having NO idea what to do with my cycle. I took two OPKs today and a pregnancy test. Pregnancy test is negative (after taking about 20 this weekend). Opks have nice lines on them. Not as dark as the test line, but not like there is not a surge starting. I am wondering if because I was downing so much water, my urine was so diluted it wasn't picking up the positive pregnancy tests. Which is funny because I had a postive dollar store and internet pregnancy test yesterday, pretty faint, but there. How can that be at only 4 hcg level?? My first response test was pretty faint Monday morning though. Although it had been blazing Sunday night. So I am not sure if I am going to O now or bleed? I bled a lot last week. I think I actually lost the baby then. Just found out by accident. So for now I test and wait. I'll either O or get a period. One of the two.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

So I went in for kidney stones and came out with a

POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST. OMG OMG OMG OMG. You may wonder how the heck did that happen. Well I thought I got af last week. I thought I had a kidney infection earlier this week. So I bucked up and called my pcp and went in. She checked my urine and it was PLUS 3 for blood trace leuckocytes. Because I had so much pain and blood she went ahead and put me on macrodantin - max dose. YUCK. So she asked me yesterday, are you sure you are not pregnant??? I said no. I had af last week. :( I was so bummed yesterday. The nurse was like are you guys trying? Yes, but it obviously didn't work. I had even gotten a refill of my l.o.r.t.a.b. rx for endo. I had taken I don't know how many doses of 800mg motrin for my endo. It wasn't endo, it was kidney stones!!!! I had a drink, OMG. I ate a whole pint of Bailey's icecream. So anyway. This morning I decided to take an OPK. Immediately a dark line came up. My first thoughts were OMG, dh is out of town and we obviously can't do anything. How the heck am I ovulating on CD 9??? WTH. Then my dr's voice popped in my head and said are you sure you are not pregnant? I thought NAH. So I peed on a dollar store stick. POSITIVE. I peed on an internet hcg stick. POSITIVE. I peed on an Answer OPK. POSITIVE. Finally I decided to bring out the big guns. I peed on a clearblue digital. No way in hell that will be positive because it is certain pregnant, not pregnant. A few minutes go by. PREGNANT came up. WTF?? I about puked. How can that happen? I know the clearblue has a sensitivity of 50mIU/ml. My loss board is going completely nuts. What a miracle.

So I completely freaked out. Called my pcp's office and they had me bring the tests with me. Everyone is shaking their heads in disbelief. I bypass everyone in the waiting room and go to the exam room. Oh and left the girls in the waiting room screaming their heads off!!! The nurses kept an eye on them but, Kirsten has a big freaking mouth. So, I hear doc tell M, did you get a urine on her. M says, doc she brought in 5 different positive tests. They are all lined up on the counter for you. Do you need more proof??? She said no. Doc comes in and looks at the tests and says YES YOU ARE PREGNANT. I am still having this terrible back and flank pain, I was terrified of an ectopic. Plus I had bleeding. So she called the hospital and they had an US tech come in from home to do an US on me. Doc also had blood drawn for quant hcg levels. She will get those results tomorrow and will call me at home. So everyone is like OMG at the office.

So go to the hospital, while there the US tech and I decide we should check for kidney stones. While the secretary was calling for the dr to order it, she did the pelvic US. It was too early to see a baby at 4 weeks 5 days. She checked the tubes for swelling and fluid. There was none. She checked for a corpus luteum, and I had one. This is what produces the progesterone to sustain pregnancy till the placenta takes over. IT WAS THERE. I had tears when she said that!!!

Got the authorization for the renal US. She spent 40 minutes on my right kidney and only 5 minutes on my left kidney. She kept measuring 3-4 circles on my right kidney that showed up as white circles. She wouldn't tell me ANYTHING. AGGGGGHHHH.

My pcp called me as soon as the radiologist called her. I have no signs whatsoever of an ectopic pregnancy. WHOO HOO. Still too early to see the bean. That I have kidney stones in my right kidney. My right kidney is dialated and the ureter is dialated too. OMG I am PREGNANT. I am in the club. WHOO HOO. I thought I was totally out this month! The only thing I can do is drink lots of water, cranberry juice, take antibiotics, and tylenol. OWWWWWWWWWW. We'll know more tomorrow. I feel really good about this. I saw a rainbow on Wednesday. That was the day my temp took an enormous drop. Peyton sounded his little heartbeat for me. I am so freaking excited.

So please say some prayers for me and keep me in your thoughts. I need all the sticky baby vibes I can get!!!! I am CD 35!!!! Oh and the bleeding, my pcp thinks it was a combination of implantation bleeding and kidney stone bleeding. A friend of mine emailed me who has kidney stones a lot said she bleeds like af from it too. The US tech could not find out where the bleeding was from. OMG it was so heavy last Saturday. I am of course freaked out, but for now it is ok. I am holding my breath. Thank God for good drs and hospitals.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Calgon take me away!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh calgon please come and take me away. Dh is gone on his business trip. I swear the girls are trying to drive me crazy! How can two girls that are so far apart in age find so much to fight about??? Today was a work at home day. Thank God, I needed it!!! I need to hurry up and get pregnant so I can do this the WHOLE summer. Dr. E said he would approve me to do work at home on Wednesdays in an attempt to break up my commute and work week and keep my bp low.

I hate the waiting. All I want to see are two dark lines. Two dark lines that say HEY you are pregnant. I swear I will welcome puking. Isn't that terrible? Although I know better than anyone that just because you still have all of the symptoms of pregnancy, it isn't an assurance that your pregnancy will be ok. I am feeling very comfortable with how much time I can take off. Maybe it was God's way of making sure that I would take the time off.

I went shopping today. I need some clothes. I still havn't lost the 10 lbs that I gained with the last pregnancy. I was truly perplexed. I didn't want to buy shorts that fit perfectly cause I could get pregnant soon and outgrow them. I didn't want to buy big because well what if it doesn't happen. So I bought a size bigger and with drawstring. Perfect. I figured if I get pregnant this month (oh please let it happen), then I have room to grow. Shorts usually get put away at the end of October sometime. I picked up two long sleeve shirts in my favorite type of shirt. I bought them HUGE and 2 for $10.98 clearance. I am hoping I will have a need for them at the end of the year!!!

The gas prices. They are killing me. Two commutes (Mine is 90 miles, dh is 60 miles) in two Ford Explorers are killing us. I hope Bush gets booted from office soon so we can have gas prices drop. I am CONVINCED they will drop when he leaves.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

CD 5

I hate the waiting. Everywhere I turn, I see pregnant women. Every time I turn on the tv, some celebrity is knocked up. I quit going to my June babies board. I just couldn't take it anymore. I emailed a few that I am close with to let them know to contact me by email. They all understood. I mean how can you be pregnant and oh maybe I might make my first appt at 13-14 weeks. Are you serious??? They take it so lightly. At least AF is leaving and it wasn't too awful. I really expected it to be horrendous. I was able to still have a life this week. Maybe it was God giving me a break for once. It feels surreal. I feel like I am stuck in time while life goes on around me. Each day is an eternity.

So many have joined the loss board in the last week. Heartbreaking stories. For some, it is not their first time there. That makes me terrified. Cause if it could happen once, it can happen again. So I decided on a few things. I am not taking anything I absolutely do not have to. I'm not going to be getting my steroid shot in my knee on the 5th. I really really need it. I'm not taking any pain medication for it. Not even tylenol if I can help it. I am not doing any tylenol sinus or anything. Cut down soda to one can a day. Started walking again even though my orthopedist is going to flip. He prefers me to bike. I hate biking. I love walking. I figured it is easier to deal with my painful swollen knee than it is to deal with anxiety and slight depression. No, I am not taking drugs for that either. Walking heals that. I am wondering if I can use my tens machine in pregnancy. I will have to ask at the first appt. It helps my knee. From what I can see is a non invasive pain relief and appears to be safe.

DH is leaving in the morning for a business trip. He comes back Sunday night. So at least it will make the time till O go by faster. I pray pray pray that we get pregnant this month. I still have a chance for a 2008 baby. Although I would never ever advocate an early delivery, with my history, 35/5 would be 12/26. 37 weeks would be 1/4. So somewhere between 12/21 and 1/4 would be delivery time most likely. IF and that is a big IF we get pregnant this month. I have a whole new respect for people that it takes months to conceive. I am so not used to that. I am secretly worried it won't work. Ok this month we can say that my uterus was still healing and that there was not enough lining. BUT, what if it doesn't work this month? Then what? I have already decided after 3 months of trying, I will request a referral back to my endo specialist. If I get pregnant before then, great! If not, then he can do a lap. It takes a few months to get back into him. He is also a RE as well.

Figured out my leave today. If I were to get pregnant this cycle and could build 250 hours of comp time (no problem with summer coming). I could go out Nov 9th full time and not return till mid April. Sounds FABULOUS to me!!! I hate snow and like to hibernate in the winter anyway.

Sunday, April 20, 2008


Can I say again how much it sucks. I know I know. It was only the first cycle and my crazy ob said to wait three months. I told him that was an eternity. He said it would go by quickly. I told him it was easy for him to say that. He can go and deliver a million babies to make the time pass quickly. I am still in shock over my dr. I know where she was coming from when she said how devestated she was to find out she was pregnant and that she cried. Yet, understand where I am coming from. I lost a baby. A baby that had been planned and prayed for for 2 years. That's devestating. To say goodbye before you ever got the chance to say hello. To not wipe that baby's tears. To not see the first day of school. At least she still has this. Yes, a very abrupt hello. Still. She gets to keep her baby. I know she is worried about lifestyle changes, work, etc. Actually, it is kind of funny and cute because she has NO idea, lol. I know my time will come. Just hurry up God and help me out here. Once we get a healthy mom and a healthy baby, my uterus, we will give it to whomever wants it!!!

So now I am on CD 3. Yeah that so sucks. I'm not sure how I am liking the charting thing. I think once I make sure that I ovulated. I may stop temping. I still havn't dropped down past my coverline at CD 3. You know I don't want to go through months of temping. I'll have to see. Yeah, even though it has never taken me longer than 2 months to conceive. I am considering the possibilities that it may take months. I even went out to see when ovulation was as far out as July and August. I hate taking all these vitamins and baby aspirin. blech. I have been on them since September.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

How can you be a DOCTOR and not know you are pregnant???

Yeah, you read that right. So I decided to bite the bullet and take Sara to the dr today. Now, know that I love our pcp. She is awesome and I wish the absolute best for her. So it was pretty awkward being in the office because I was told my dr was like 8 weeks along now. Right?? WRONG!!!! So we get called back and the nurse asks us how our baby making was coming along? Are you serious?? You have got to be freaking kidding me. I said well obviously it didn't happen this month if I called the office yesterday and requested a refill on L.o.r.t.a.b for endometriosis and adenomyosis pain. I said um obviously it didn't happen this month. Oh well it will happen we got new ones popping up all over the place. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

So our dr comes in. I said I heard congratulations. Might as well get it out of the way. Honestly I was happy for her. I juts wanted to break the awkwardness. She said yeah I was soooo devestated. I could understand her position. Honestly I can. She is over 40. Been married over 15 years. Had given up on the idea of children. Then you find out that not only are you pregnant, but TWENTY-EIGHT WEEKS PREGNANT. Yeah you read that right. Due at the end of May. WTF? You mean when I was 4 weeks pregnant, she was already heading into the second trimester and didn't know it??? How can that happen?? So she said she thought the weight she was gaining was because she was older. She had heartburn, but tossed it to age and acid reflux acting up. Movement - she felt none. Periods - very irregular. Her periods were minimum 90 days apart and as much as 6 months apart. So she got the idea to test from her nurse and sent off a tube of blood to be tested. She thought she had a bladder infection, but heck well test for hcg as well. Guess what? Pregnant!! She said she was in absolute shock and devestated. I said I bet you cried. She said I did!! Then she said she called my ob bawling and devestated on his private line. He had her come over at lunch to check her out and get her calmed down. US stated she was 28 weeks along. No prenatal care. So she was freaking. I said well he is a good ob. That is his first love. He acts like the baby is his because he gets all excited when the baby kicks so you are in good hands. I told her he took really good care of me when I lost the baby. He scheduled it the next day during lunch and stayed in recovery with me.

She is now 34 weeks pregnant. She said she has been running around buying baby furniture, registering, etc. She said her mom told her she had to register and she just had no idea about any of that. I asked about daycare. She said she was going to keep the baby in her dh's office (he is the office manager) in one of those play things. I said a pack n play? She said yeah, that! So how long are you taking off? Oh, a couple of weeks. Are you serious? You are going to be exhausted. Well I go up to the ob floor to check the baby's out and I see moms walking around all the time. I said it's one thing to be walking around a HOSPITAL floor as a new mom and running a full time busy solo practice!!! I said ok. OMG! She has scheduled an elective c-section for convenience on May 19th. I have an idea my ob will be tying, burning, cutting her tubes, lol.

It blows my mind. Don't get me wrong. I really am happy for her. Honestly, as she said the hands of God were all over this one. I just wish desparately it were me. :( Then just watched the Juno movie. Why? I have no freakingidea. Just wanted I wanted to see another "surprise" . Grrrrr. With my dr, I didn't cry and I thought I would. I may even go buy her a baby present. AND she will be around for when I get pregnant and my baby when its born. We did discuss that my uterus is coming out when the next baby is here.

I said but you gotta be worried about all your peers seeing you naked. Don't worry, Dr. XXX would never say anything. But I had a friend of mine be my recovery room nurse and I still think OMG S. saw me naked. She said yeah, but she knows people here and that makes a difference. I said you are right. It's one of the reasons I don't want to go to Childrens. Kirsten was born in a big university hospital. Nobody talked to me. No one said what was going on. I trust you and Dr. E. That's it. That's why I don't see the midwives there AT ALL. She laughed. So I said I totally hear you on that one. We both decided we are anal retentive, lol.

Oh and Miss Sara. She has bronchitis and a sinus infection. So she is on Claritin and Amoxil now. The dr gave Sara 7 necklaces to wear with her dress. Dh asked Sara if she had been to Mardy

Sara discovered a birthday present. I had found TXO Elmo on sale at Walmart for $9. She is totally enthralled with it. She id dying from laughter. I have never seen her get such joy from a toy. I actually had to put batteries in it!

So I figured I will O again May 2nd. That would be a wonderful late Mother's Day present if I am. I just hope it happens soon. I am not used to dealing with TTC for long periods of time. Although one month is not that long unless you consider really since November. However, most of that was pregnancy. I could still be in for a 2008 baby based on my history. No nasty comments on a premature baby please. I would prefer a totally healthy full term baby. I am just saying since I have yet to get past 36 weeks and was told to count on delivering between 35-36 weeks. This would be the week between Christmas and New Years. Knowing my luck, I would end up with the first New Year's baby being born. NO I DO NOT WANT THAT AT ALL!!!! If I have a baby January 1st, might as well make it Dec 31st for the tax deduction please. I'll take the few hours for that. Now since the urgency for December is all off. I just hope it happens soon and baby and I are healthy and safe. Then I can plan for my hysterectomy between summer and Christmas. The good news is add another slot of time for leave. The way I am going, I will be able to take like 6 months off WITH pay. So screw work and trying to work at home. I have it figured out that I am at 2 1/2 months out before the baby is born and 3 months afterwards. Works for me. Maybe even more depending if I follow my track record. I have decided that I will be spending my winter months hibernating. Dh can still attend the genetic screening if we catch the egg this month. It would have to be the day before he leaves for camp on our anniversary.

Please send any and all baby dust my way. I hate feeling like this and hate this whole process of trying again.

Friday, April 18, 2008

I'm out this month

Well it appears AF found me 3 days early at 11dpo. I am totally and utterly devestated. I know that it takes most women several months to conceive. I have always gotten it the first month of trying (well Sara was a second month of trying). It makes it so much harder because it seems that everyone I know is pregnant. The girl I was buddies with on my June board that was trying the same as me. Got her BFP yesterday at 11 dpo. Ashley Simpson, yep you guessed it, pregnant. Got an email from an old friend today. His wife is pregnant and due in October. Every single day, someone new is pregnant. Literally. It's like I lose my baby and the world starts raining babies on people that were "surprise" babies. Why not me? I know it has been 7 1/2 weeks since I lost the baby. I know my ob told me to wait 3 months. Still. It's an eternity. I have really sore boobs. I would swear I was pregnant if it were not for the bleeding. It's not heavy enough for a pad. It is red. It is everytime I wipe. Sorry if that is TMI for you. I thought for sure implantation was yesterday. I guess my uterus still isn't healed enough yet. I guess we'll know for sure tomorrow morning when my temp takes a big ole nosedive. I really really really wanted a 2008 and a December baby. I guess technically I could still have one seeing I have never gotten past 36 weeks and 37 weeks for me would be January 4th. I don't want a premature baby. I wanted to be able to hang out and be pregnant to at least 37 weeks. It's just so frustrating. I have no US pictures from Peyton. Not one. Only the image that was forever burned into my memory. I lost a lot of things losing him. It was all planned out. We prepared and planned for over 2 years!!! I did EVERYTHING right.

Then dh comes home and says why are you crying. Oh, well that isn't anything to be upset about. It's not like someone died you know. He doesn't get it. I just hope it happens soon. So next O day will be May 2nd ish.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

10 dpo

My temp took a huge dive today. That has me worried. Some of my online chart stalkers are saying not to worry. It could be implantation. I don't know. Test this morning was a BFN. It must have been evap lines yesterday. Daggone it. I have been having cramps this morning and it feels like af is going be here any second. I am quite bummed today. I am worried about testing tomorrow because that was when I got the positive last time at 11dpo. Keep your fingers crossed.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Well some answers...

I called my peri's office today. The baby did measure 13 weeks. There is some question about how far along I was. According to the peri's office and online calculators, I was 13 weeks 5 days. According to my ob's office, I was 13 weeks 3 days. If the baby measured 13 weeks, then the baby could have passed as much as 5 days and as little as 2-3 days. The nurse said that the baby was too swollen to have a good picture on. The pictures she had were the size of a grain of rice with alot of fluid. I told her that that didn't make sense because on the screen on the wall was a fully formed baby. She said baby measured 13 weeks. So either my pics have gotten mixed up with someone else's or they deleted the pics or they didn't save the correct ones. She concluded that they either deleted them or didn't save the correct ones. Very very disappointing. Next time I will ask for pictures at every single US. We discussed the possibility that I may be pregnant. She said to make sure that I call and get in for the transnuchal US at 12 weeks because that is the optimal time. The first trimester will be a busy one for me with lots of USs. Who am I to complain. 5-6 weeks will be first appt with midwife. 7-9 weeks first US at hospital. 8-9 weeks appt with my ob, and US. 12 weeks - US with ob and appt and transuchal US with Peri. 16 weeks appt with ob (I am specifically requesting an appt at 14 weeks to ease my anxiety and he told me that he would do this at my fu appt). 17-18 weeks appt with peri and US. 20 weeks US and ob appt. Then I think I go every two weeks to my ob and every 4 weeks to my peri till 26-28 weeks. Then it will be every week for my ob and every two weeks with my peri. Then at 32 weeks appts every week with peri. I am glad I will be seen so much.

So the nurse asked me how I was doing and what happened afterwards. I told her I had a d&c the next day during lunch, my ob hung out in the recovery room with me till I went to the floor. (I still didn't know he was there but he was because he specifically mentioned certain things that I said and I remember saying them). That I hemmoraged afterwards. Then everything went back to normal afterwards. She said she couldn't wait to see me back and with my history, I needed to get in ASAP with them. I also discovered my peri has launched a website. I am impressed. I like docs that use technology.

My necklace came in the mail yesterday. I immediately put it on. It is absolutely beautiful. The pendant is smaller than I thought it was. I like small delicate jewelry and it is perfect. Sara loves it too. She loves to sit on my lap and finger the baby tear part. I just hope she doesn't break it. Dh thinks it is quite silly, but I don't really care.

Did I tell you? My baby girl is potty training! She was so excited last night. Everyone has been riding her to use the potty. I told them to back off. She has got a stubborn streak a mile long like me and is miss independent just like me. Last night went to the bathroom upstairs. She came running down all excited and grabbed me to show me what she did. She went again last night before bed and was actually dry from when we had dinner to bedtime. Then this morning she did it again. She is so proud of herself. I was getting a pullup out of the box and she kept pointing to the box saying she was a big girl too. I guess she is potty training just in time!!!! I may let her go in underwear and see how she does this weekend, but outings will definitely still be in a pullup. I can't wait to talk with her teacher today.

Kirsten made it to Florida safe and sound and is enjoying the beach and pool. She is such a fish. She went to eat dinner at Perkins (umm they go all the way to Florida and eat at Perkins??? I would so be hitting every single fresh seafood place in town. We have Perkins here in NY).

Oh and you are wondering if I poas today right?? Well I did and still an extremely faint second line. I am still not calling it till I get a nice dark line that can be seen easily and readily. I really think I am. I spent last night paying for a drink I had. I had a mudslide (go ahead and slap me now, it was my birthday!) at Applebees. I paid for it the entire night. Still have sore boobs that are not made any better by Sara who constantly jabs them. I was nauseated so bad last night and this morning. It seems that the nausea is hitting worse first thing in the morning and late afternoon onwards. The dizziness is still hanging around. So I am hoping time moves forward to Monday so I can test with a digital. It still is WAY too early for it to show on a digital. So keep your fingers crossed.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I don't understand this at all.....

So I got a bill for the US that said there was no heartbeat from the peri's office. Originally it was a transnuchal screening. At the time my peri and the tech confirmed no heartbeat. I asked the tech when and she did a crown to rump measurement and said the baby measured 13 weeks. I was 13 weeks 3 days at the time of the us. My peri confirmed it. She said the baby had passed in the last day or so. She asked me what had changed that week. I told her I had had a really bad case of the flu and a severe kidney infection. She said that is probably what did it. The US was projected onto a 50 inch screen that showed a fully formed baby. The baby was laying on his back. Arms were down by the side. Knees were bent like doing a situp. Showed head, body, even a nose that looked like mine (dh has a big one), a normal US profile except baby was still. I have had that image burned into my brain since it happened. I also had an US at my ob's office at 8 1/2 and 12 1/2 weeks. His machine is pretty old. The one at 8 1/2 weeks showed a blob with a heartbeat. The one at 12 1/2 weeks showed a bigger blob with a heartbeat. He didn't focus on the baby as much as the heart. We clearly saw the valve of the heart clicking.

So I mailed in my $5 copayment. I included a note that asked if there any US pictures, could I please have a copy. I knew that the tech had saved them because she wouldn't let me up until she did. I get a call from the nurse at my peri's office. They left a message on the answering machine. She said she went back and looked at my pictures. She said that she was sorry to say that there really wasn't anything in there because the baby had been so slow growing??? She said there wasn't a baby at all in the pics? I don't understand. How can 3 USs, my peri, ob, us tech and me be wrong? Do you think they got the wrong patient and pics mixed up? She did say my name. This has me extremely upset.

In addition, my paperwork for the d&c said fetal demise at 13 weeks. Not fetal demise at 13 weeks 3 days which is what I was at the time I found out. The baby had measured 13 weeks crown to rump. I tried calling the office because this is driving me crazy now. They closed at 3 and don't reopen till 730 tomorrow. Great calling them on my birthday. I mean if the baby was very slow growing, then it won't change the next pregnancy. I would like to know the truth. Now I am wondering if I hallcuinated the whole thing!!!

I just want to know the truth of when the baby passed. Cause now I can't stand knowing!!!!! It's ok if they don't have the pictures. I just want the truth. I am also going to be requesting the operative and pathology reports from my pcp as my ob copies her on that stuff. I have to turn in med forms for Sara next week anyway. If I am pregnant, I will know next week and I really think I am. I am 8 dpo. I think I see an extremely faint line on my super sensitive pregnancy tests. It's so early that it is hard to see. I am going to keep testing. I am super nauseated today and the last couple of days. I have been dizzy too. I almost barfed at Applebees tonight. I know way tmi. I had to tell dh it was time to leave.

Ugh wish me luck tomorrow. I want a BFP for my birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, April 14, 2008


Ok, so I am going to cheat and POAS tomorrow. Might as well get the first negative out of the way and they are burning a hole in my medicine cabinet! So anything new happening? I have extremely sore bbs today. They still hurt long after being jabbed. Yes, I have jabbed them, lol. I was so nauseated all day. Had to suck on cinanmon candies all day.Couldn't eat lunch. Still dizzy a bit but not nearly as bad as yesterday. I am hoping these are good signs. My chart had a temp increase today. All my chart stalkers are telling me how pretty it is. So keep your fingers crossed. Wish my baby girl Kirsten good luck tomorrow. She is flying to Florida with her grandparents.

Sunday, April 13, 2008


Can I say how much taxes suck. We owed 14k between state and federal. WTF. We have to pay $1700 and we get a whopping $97 back from state. We make around a 100k. WOW. Last year, we made that much because I worked a zillion hours of OT to pay off some credit card bills that we had. Working that OT has come to bite me in the butt. This year, I will make the same salary as I did last year with all that OT (had a 10k payraise). This year for federal I dumped 10k into flex spending accounts. Last year, I only had 2k. I also had planned/hoped for a tax deduction baby. We will see if that still works out. Thank God they will not allow me to go past my due date if I shall be so lucky to get pregnant again. It just drives me crazy that I am paying out the wazoo for daycare, health insurance, taxes, dental insurance. The more I make, the more it slips through our fingers. The good news is that I refuse to take OT pay now. I take comp time. Time is more valuable to me now instead of money. Next year, I am dumping more money into our retirement accounts. I wanted to max out flex spending first. It took me all day to do taxes. Grrrr.

Tonight we go out for our birthday dinners. Dh's birthday is 4/15. Mine is 4/16. Bil's is 4/17. Inlaws can't claim to miss our birthdays!!! Tuesday they are taking Kirsten to Florida for vacation with them. Sara will be lost! Back to birthdays, I know we should be glad that they take us out to dinner. Although one thing that really irks me is that they never ask us where we want to go. I guess since they are paying they choose. Sil's birthday is in October. They always go wherever she wants to go. Seems like dh and I get the short end of that stick. That's ok. Dh and I are going to go out on Tuesday for our own birthdays.

As far as pregnancy symptoms watch:
BBs still hurt a LOT all over. They seem fuller but not bigger yet.
Dizziness. I have been so freaking dizzy all day. Dh has had to ask me several times if I was ok.
Complete memory gap today, lol.
Slight waves of nausea have hit me today.

All of these can be construed as PMS symptoms. Unless I get a positive test saying otherwise, that is what I am believing! I plan on starting testing on Wednesday. Let me tell you, I am having a very hard time resisting POAS! I'm going to be so upset if I am not.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

One more thing...

Did I mention how hard it is to take Kirsten to her dance class.... Her dance teacher is due 5 weeks before I was. It is so hard to see parents touching her belly and seeing that she is getting to do all the things that I am not. I can't help to feel jealous. I absolutely wish her the best, but it is so hard seeing her knowing I should have had a belly that big too.

Witchy Day

Yes I am the evil wicked witch today. Dh took the girls OUT because I was so bad. He hardly ever does that. He went and escaped at his parents house then is taking the girls for McDonalds. I feel bad, but I just can't help it. One thing that irritates me is how I have trashcans all over the house. CAN HE OR KIRSTEN MANAGE TO HIT ONE? No, they can't. My 2 year old can put her trash away, but a grown man can't. It drives me crazy. If you use a paper towel, THROW IT AWAY. If you are done with the newspaper, THROW IT AWAY. How hard is that??? Then Sara decided she needed to get up at 4:30am. I tried putting her back to bed and nope she wouldn't go. She was up full throttle. I did cheat and put on Alvin and the Chipmuncks which left her comatose for an hour or so. I went and laid down on the couch while she was watching the movie. Then I was even more cranky because MY BOOBS HURT. Which this is probably a very very good sign. We are not talking about a little on the sides like last month. Sara managed to jab me and it was like OMG. All over soreness. My bra that was too big is all of a sudden too small and constricting. I am only 5 dpo. I am trying to find any reason that I can to attribute to it to not being pregnant. I really think I am. The next week is going to crawllllllll.

I thought I would be totally over the moon finding out I am pregnant. Don't get me wrong I will be. But now all of a sudden I panic again. I wonder how I will ever go to another US again and not start bawling. It will be pure torture looking for a heartbeat. I guess the one saving grace was it happened at the peri's office. My ob has promised me anytime I go to the peri, he will check for a heartbeat first. I know he will do as he promised. I will still have that worry of ok, heartbeat this morning. What about that afternoon? It's just maddening. I hate hate hate that loss of control. I can control the end with PE. I can check my urine myself, jab my ankles and shins, take my bp, and lay down and rest. I can't control losing a baby. I had no warning. Heartbeat was there and we were safe. Heartbeat was gone in a moment's time. Sometimes it seems that the only person the baby was real to was me. I was the only one besides my ob and peri and the US tech that totally saw the baby on US. Dh went to my appt at 12 1/2 weeks. My ob and I were so enthralled with looking at the heart of the baby, that dh was like that's ok. My ob did move out of the way for dh to see, but he couldn't see much. I am going to make sure dh goes to my first US with me at the hospital.

Oh and my boss has decided to push the issue with work at home as soon as I get pregnant. for once this will be one battle that I will not stand down on. This has been offered to every pregnant woman in my organization even for NORMAL pregnancies. She said that she wouldn't accept a note from my ob that stated for medical reasons. Fine, tell me what you want it to say. I'll tell my ob. He is going to ask me how to word it anyway. We might as well get it right the first time. Well he has to word it right and it's ok if he uses really big words. I don't have to know what they mean. I am thinking are freaking kidding me? Let's see previous ob history with severe pe, severe pih, premature delivery, 2nd trimester miscarriage, chronic HTN. Amazes me. Seems she only likes it when it works for her (did I mention she worked from home yesterday?) That's ok, I am ready to deal with that and will deal with that when needed. I already have the contact information for the EEO guy that deals with Federal Agencies. Also, I plan on working as many comp time hours in the next few months as I can so that I can just go out on leave if I need to. My plan is to build 250 comp time hours. I have 38 as of this payperiod (this was after I used up all my comp time on using leave when I lost the baby). I plan on 17 the next payperiod. Then I will be putting in about 30 hours a payperiod for the next couple of months. This is our busy time. So I will have 270 annual leave hours, 94 hours sick leave, I can be advanced 240 hours of sick leave, 250 hours of comp time, and 24 hours of credit time. Which when you add up the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, equals to 5 1/2 months of full time leave. I plan on being able to go completely out at 30 weeks. Then taking 3 months off when the baby is born. I figure even if I were to go full term, the latest they would let me be pregnant is 38-39 weeks. Well no ob is going to want to work Christmas. So that would probably be 38 weeks and is easy to justify to the hospital with my history. I have already been told no way to going past due. Quite frankly I want a full term baby, but I want that baby to be born alive. So whenever it is safe to get the baby out, I am ok with. Of course this is a lot of IFs, seeing I have yet to get past 36 weeks. So I think I have the leave thing worked out.

All the chart stalkers online are saying my chart looks beautiful. I wish I was as confident as them. Quite frankly I am worried that my temps have leveled off. They say it's beautiful and sometimes boring is good.

I have decided that if I am pregnant, I will call the office on 4/22 to schedule an appt. This time I will ask to speak to J because she was upset that I didn't talk with her and schedule my appt the last time. So I decided this time I will. I know as soon as she hears, she will grab my ob between patients and tell him. It's nice when an office cares like that. I'll finally be able to deal with going back into my pcp's office too. I just can't go in there right now. I really have to get Sara's med forms done. They don't expire till 4/24 so I can take them in that day and get them done.

I did something for myself. I bought a necklace to remember the baby by. I got the stone for February because that is when they baby was born and died to me. Here is what I got:

Look under baby tears memorial necklace. Isn't it beautiful? It is handmade from England. I got an email that it had shipped and I so excited to get it. Dh thinks I was nuts to buy it. I don't care. Let him think what he wants.

Well I need to nap and go to the bathroom AGAIN. This better be a good sign.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


I feel so blah today. Last night I started feeling queasy. I was thinking that maybe my boss has the stomach flu cause she was puking yesterday. But today her symptoms are totally different. She has vomiting, upper right gastric pain, and does not look good at all. I told her hmmm that's how I felt when I was pregnant with Kirsten and my liver was about to explode. CALL YOUR DR. She says she can't because her doc is not in today. Then go to the ER. Crazy lady. If she is still sick tomorrow, I am INSISTING that she either calls her dr or goes to the ER and get a liver panel done. She has had problems with her liver in the past. She has no gallbladder or appendix. So it's not that.

Then last night I started feeling queasy. Not vomiting. Not super sick. Just off and queasy. Today I am EXHAUSTED. I didn't get much sleep last night. So I am sure it is that. Course the back of mind has that glimmer of hope that I could be. Before anyone says it is impossible to have symptoms that early. I was puking with Sara Grace LONG before that test came back positive and feeling ill immediately. But I am pushing that back to the back of my mind. I am telling myself it is the stomach flu or maybe I got a bug from my boss. I am going to bed early tonight as I can barely keep my eyes open. I also had a 2 hour nap after work. I meant to work OT this week, but too tired.

My FF chart looks beautiful right now. I am keeping my fingers crossed that it continues to stay that way. It is my first month charting and it is hard to do. You just have to be consistent. Well I hate waking up at 455 am every morning and temping. But it gives me something to obsess about.

Dh is totally into that show High School Reunion. I do believe this is the first reality show that he has been hooked on. Maybe it is because of people from his high school years. A bunch of 40 year olds acting like two year olds. Speaking of that, OMG I will be 34 next week. How the hell did that happen. I still feel like I should be 21. I sent an email to a friend of mine that I met the first day of college literally. I realized OMG we have been friends for 16 years. WHAT??? It seems impossible we have been friends that long. I can't believe I started college 16 years ago.

I have been having flashbacks lately. It hasn't helped that I have read a blog that described the situation with me when I lost the baby perfectly or watched that show Deliver Me. That poor woman whose baby died. I thought OMG that same scenario happened with me except my ob and peri don't share offices together. Heck they don't even share the same city. I still remember my peri asking you never see the midwives. I say no. I always see my dr. Are you sure? I think I would know who I see now. I still hear my ob's words on the phone telling me, Gee I am so sorry. Will you come into the office this afternoon or tomorrow morning to discuss your options? The only thing I could think of is take care of everything immediately and that's what I told him. I wonder if my reaction surprised him. Do all women want it taken care of immediately or is it just me? I remember I started crying on the phone with him. I told him I would be there that afternoon. He told me to please drive carefully on the way back to the office to him. I promised I would. I remember my peri saying it was probably the kidney infection that did it but I had also had the flu. She also said and your hypertension could have caused it as well. Great, place the blame on the woman. My pressures were not all that bad though. I did everything to get them down. It wasn't as if I wasn't proactive. My ob absolutely does not think it was the HTN. I remember being led from the US room to the bad things have happened consultation room. I hate that room. It was very nicely decorated. Had comfortable chairs and a phone on the table. I remember being led out the back way and having my peri watch me put Sara in the carseat. Off I drove back home, crying the entire way. I don't know how I will ever get the guts to walk back into my peri's office, into the same room again. My ob has told me I can certainly come in and see him first for a heartbeat check. I won't be going alone to the peri again. I wonder how I will ever look at the US screen without my ob or peri saying there, there is the heartbeat, it is ok. I wonder how I will deal with each appt. I am going to be terrified walking into my ob's office for each appt. I just hope I can handle everything ok.

I guess this came about because last night after watching that show Deliver Me and having flashbacks, I started to panic. All I have wanted is to get pregnant again. Now there is a very real possibility that I could be. I am TERRIFIED it will happen again. I hate that innocence is gone. How can you be estatic and panicked at the same time? I mean there wasn't ANYTHING to indicate anything was wrong. No bleeding. No spotting. No cramping. A perfect heartbeat. Gone. Gone in a second. I got a bill from my peri's office. I never know what to pay to her as a copay. Sometimes it is $15. Sometimes it is $20. I paid $15 for that fateful appt. I just got a bill for $5. Yep, $5. So I am going to send a check in. With the check, I am sending in a request that if they please have an US picture from Peyton if they would mail me a copy of it. The tech saved a couple of images. I am hoping that they are still saved. I am not expecting anything, but it would be a nice surprise if they do. I am not sure how they would handle that.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008


You know I have some of the best online friends in the world and they know who they are. I have my pe online friends that I have known for years! Seriously girls, we have been friends for a long time. I have my June babies board that I have been friends with for 3 years. I have my new loss online support group. You know, God works in mysterious ways. I thought the day that I lost my baby was the worst day of my life. Truly it was. Even when I almost died with Kirsten, this was much worse. Because my baby was ok, I was the one that was sick. This time I was ok and lost my baby. That day I died a thousand deaths. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. My friends irl, don't understand. They think I am nuts for ever having another baby again. My friends online, they know why. It was my online friends that brought me out of the depths of that deep darkness. I didn't know how I was ever going to survive. It was my one pe friend that called me each day to make sure I was ok and I really appreciated that. She didn't tell me she understood. She just said it sucks and ranted and raved with me. Love ya girlie.

If it wasn't for losing my baby, I would not have found the loss board. On that loss board are two girls that live very near to me. We are already making plans to hang at the waterpark this summer. We have all agreed to get season passes. Two of us have children. The other girl lost her first. We are making plans to do other things. I have never met such a compassionate group of women. It saddens me each day when another woman joins our little group. I think how unfair it is. I am not sure what God had planned for me. I am not sure WHY it was my baby that was taken. I do know that I will see him again one day. One of the girls that is from the loss board just got her BFP. The other girl and I hope we are not far behind. We are also planning on visiting each other in the hospital when our babes are born.

I finally figured out what to do at the hospital for moms that lose their babies to miscarriage. I really searched for what to do. As much as I love my ob, I was very disappointed that no one gave me information on this. I left my ob's and peri's office empty handed, not even a brochure. They talked with me but I was so overwhelmed that it was all a blur. The hospital was the worst. I thought when Sara was readmitted for jaundice at 4 days of age was awful. This was worse. I felt so empty when I left the hospital. I felt like I was abandoning my baby there. I didn't ask my ob for the remains of the baby and I wish I had. I wish I had the baby cremated because he was a part of me. It hurts that they treated him like medical waste. I should have asked but was afraid of the answer. I guess in some way I didn't want to know. SO what to do. I came across a story that a girl posted about what the hospital did for her. Her hospital gave her an envelope when she was discharged and told her to look at the contents when she was ready. They told her it would make her cry. Inside was some loss poems, some brochures, and a piece of cardstock with a baby bootie attached by ribbon. I would have loved to have gotten something like that!

So I have a lot of guardian angel pins left over from my memory box project. I went to the dollar store and found great cardstock in the shape of a footprint. I found some wonderful loss poems. I found a really good website that has downloadable brochures on miscarriage. I'm going to attach the guardian angel pins by ribbon to the footprints and attach a small poem to it. I am going to include the brochures (3 of them and they are perfect). I am going to do another sheet that has the loss support forum web address that brought me out of my darkness and gave me hope on it, suggested books, suggested websites, and a few more really nice poems. I am going to make up packets into envelopes. I am going to box the packages/envelopes up and mail them to the nurse manager at the hospital. For understandable reasons, I can't deliver them myself at the hospital and I am terrified of going to the fourth floor right now. I hope they give these out to the women that lose their babies through stillbirth, miscarriage. This is a program that keeps giving because when they run out, they can go ahead and print more out and do the same thing I did. If it's too much, I'll be more than happy to do it. I am also going to give my ob miscarriage brochures and the websites for him to give to patients. So at least they have somewhere to go. Hopefully, the women leaving the hospital will not have to go through what I did and I made a small difference for someone. This makes me estatic that I found the perfect thing to do.

The 2 week wait

and now it begins! I am officially, without a doubt, 100% in the 2 ww. I ovulated. We dtd for 6 days in a row. Now hopefully, it happens for us! I have a good feeling about April. I was thinking on my way in to work this morning of different signs.

March 24 was when I was admitted to the hospital with Kirsten at 35 weeks 5 days. March 24th was also the first day of this cycle.

I would be due 12/31. 35 weeks 5 days would be 12/1. 12/1 is the day Peyton was conceived.

Everything went back to normal immediately.

If you were wondering about the 35/5 thing, I was admitted to the hospital at 35/5 both times. So I have a thing with that date.

Can I say how happy that I am to no longer be sleeping with a pillow under my butt, taking NASTY guanifesin to increase CM, and to actually go to bed at a decent time.

Sunday, April 6, 2008


Them OPKs were right. OMG, this hurts. Yes, along with the lovely endometriosis, I get mittlesmertz at O time. Why? Because I have endometriosis between the tubes and ovaries and it hasn't been taken out yet. Some articles say it's not possible. Trust me, IT IS VERY POSSIBLE! All I got to say is OWWWWWW.

So, I have been taking opks all day and they are all getting darker. LOVING that. For once my body did not betray me, lol.

I am praying and hoping this only takes one time cause I can't deal with periods every month. Please please please pray that the rumor that you are more fertile after a MC is true.

I'll be taking lots of motrin tonight (only tonight) and then hopefully it will be gone soon. OOOWWWWWW.

Hip Hip Hooray for OPKS!!

Seriously, how did women back 20 years ago stand it!!!! I was reading about the history of pregnancy test. I was amazed. They didn't even have the normal pee tests like today till the early 90s. Rapid response came into play in 2003.

Ok, so I was seriouly stressing out and worrying that I wouldn't O this month. I know I know. I am one of those girls that are just sickening to women that are irregular. Even when I was irrgular (to me), I was still regular as a clock. I remember walking into my ob's office and saying here are my charts. I bleed all the time and it HURTS. He said look, you see right here. Your period was here, here, and here. Sure enough he was right. It was just the constant bleeding all the time that was bad. He eventually got that fixed.

So I have been totally stressing out since I lost the baby about everything going to normal. No lines on my opks and have been testing constantly. I got 2 lines this morning. Took another test at 10 and even darker. So my surge has started!!!!!!!!

So bding tonight and tomorrow night too. Please please pray that it all works for us.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Cheer Dance

Kirsten had her cheer dance pictures done today and they were all so freaking cute!!! I totally was not used to the makeup thing and everything with her. She is also now signed up for drama club. They are doing a play called the page master. With cheer dance, her teacher is insisting that all of the girls in the cheer dance class sign up for cheer competition instead of cheer dance next year. She said that they are so good, she wants to take them to competition. OWWWW. So Kirsten will be picking up and additional class next year (probably tumbling). I'm really really glad that we are able to provide these opportunities for them because my mother would have never allowed us to do this. She just wasn't involved like this. Work is not the answer cause I work 60 hour weeks sometimes. Oh and Miss Sara is going to be in dance next year too!

DH has gotten his mom to watch the girls tonight. We are going to the new George Clooney movie and dinner. Oh and tonight and tomorrow is another round of bding in trying for a baby. I am supposed to O on Monday. All the signs are there. My temp dropped this morning. SO hope and pray for us that it works. I really want to be pregnant ASAP.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

More for today

Still no positive opk. It's going to happen soon. Just have to be patient. I really think the first day of af was the 24th because that was the first day of red flow. Boy did it come. Which would really put O on Monday 4/7. Which is fine because it gives the weekend to make sure everything goes where it should on time. Another girl on my loss board got a BFP today. She lost her baby at 26 weeks. I am so happy for her. I just wish it were MEEEEEEE. She has been trying since she lost her baby in September. If I were to get pregnant this cycle, my due date would be 12/31/08. Based on my previous history of 35/5, that falls on Dec 1st. I think that is a nice day to have a baby, lol (not that I want a preemie because I don't)! I just don't want a November baby. I'm not a November kind of girl. A baby that comes in early December, well the shopaholic in me can get gifts the day after Thanksgiving, lol.

I am hoping to get my BFP soon so I can cut down on my commuting costs too. I decided today that instead of doing one day a week at home as soon as my first appt, I am pushing for 2. With my history, I think it would be ok. It's not like I am asking for disability because I will be working and do work. I actually do more work from home than I do in the office. It's really hard commuting an hour each way when you are pregnant. I want to do everything I can to ensure a healthy baby and mom. Heck if I could rent my own US machine I would. Don't laugh, I checked out Ebay. When I got gas yesterday, diesel fuel was $4.38 a GALLON. OMG no wonder the truckers are wanting to strike. I really think when our idiot president leaves office, gas prices will go down.

I really feel like this is going to work this month. I feel it in my bones. It is just so hard waiting. I can't wait to call my ob's and pcp's office and say GUESS WHAT. I don't want to be in my ob's office with everyone feeling all sad for me. I want to be happy and I want them to be happy for me. Right now would be the perfect time for us to get a BFP. DH goes away to camp and I really really want him at my first ob appts and peri appt. My 2nd peri appt could be scheduled for the week he comes back from camp.

Well enough for now. Kirsten has to go to Girl Scouts.

Well, it's almost that time again

Yes. I still cannot believe that I am back in the ttc mode again. It makes me want to cry at times. I should not be trying to have a baby. I should be 19 1/2 weeks pregnant and halfway there. I still hear the words in my head from the tech. Ummm, there's no heartbeat and the absolute disbelief of it. I have been part of a loss board since Feb 28th that I stumbled across one day. In the short time that I have been there, I have made some amazing friends. It is one place that I can go that they know EXACTLY what I am talking about. It's a place where I can rant and rave. There are two girls on it with losses around the same time as mine. They live 45 minutes from me!! I am so excited because I want to meet them. Dh will have a cow. While I would rather be 19 1/2 weeks pregnant and ignorant of the trials of losing a baby, I am glad that I did get something in return. If I hadn't of lost my baby, I would NEVER have met any of these women. They have taught me so much in the last month. You know how on some online messageboards you have women that snipe at each other. I have never once seen a rude comment, sniping, or anything. Everyone there is very kind, loving, and compassionate. It is amazing. When I get low, someone even though they have their own unbearable pain, can say the thing to lift me up.

So now I have learned in the last few weeks more than any person besides a dr should learn about trying to have a baby. I even learned how to check my own cervix (BIG EWWWWW, but whatever it takes). I was actually surprised to learn hey that's what my ob was feeling when he checked me in labor with Sara, lol. I remember he said I was 50% effaced and a fingertip dialated when I was admitted. I remember thinking, HUH. So he drew me a picture of the cervix and effacement. Got it now doc. At the time, I thought he was doing a little crack or something. He's a hoot at times. I have learned about temping although mine is not looking to be accurate cause I NEVER sleep 3 hours in a row nowadays. I picked up on using Guanifesin to increase cervical mucous (who knew). Yes, folks I am pulling out all stops this month!

I secretly worry that I won't be able to get pregnant. I know, I am thinking irrationally right now. I mean I have two babies that were first tries and one that was a second try. My ob says that it will happen fast for us. Some days it doesn't seem fast enough. I worry that maybe my body is defective. Hey it is at the end, why not at the beginning. I also know it is rare to lose a baby after 12 weeks. So my anxieties are kicking in big time. I am worried that when I do get pregnant, I may have to be asking my ob to prescribe something for anxiety.

I am having a really hard time with pregnant people right now. I am so jealous. I'm jealous that my pcp who was not going to have kids is pregnant with a surprise (I really am happy for her, I just want to be in that group too!). I get upset at the fact that there are people who have no business having babies having them. I did EVERYTHING right. I planned for that baby for over two years. Did all the tests. Adjusted meds. My baby still died. I went to Kirsten's recital last night and there was a woman there that looked to be about where I should have been. All I could think was that should be me. It makes me mad on my June baby board that there are people having babies with no job, credit problems, no money. WTH. I know it will happen, but I want everything I lost in a second back now. It is not right that my whole world came to a screeching halt in a second and then it takes months to get it back.

So now I am at the stage of waiting to O. That will be this weekend. I have pulled out all the stops to try and make it happen. It surely will not be from a lack of trying with testing with opks now 3 times a day in case of a less than 24 hour surge, checking my own cervix (still eewwww), checking cm, temping, taking guanifesin, stopping my allergy med as it dries up mucous, dtd each night from now till after O just to make sure spermies are there waiting for that magic time.

Then I will have hope for 2 weeks. Hope that I will be. Hope that it happens fast. I think I will be in tears when I get the BFP this time.

Kirsten had her first recital last night. As the proud mama, I taped it. She also lost her last tooth right before she went on!!!! It warms my heart that Sara adores her big sis. Sara when Kirsten was performing was yelling KIRSTEN, KIRSTEN, KIRSTEN. lol. We had to shoosh her. She did well with sitting through it. I think my mil is po'd at me because of my mom. I really don't care. It is something she best be stepping out of. She really doesn't want to get involved with it. I didn't get into the relationship (there was none) with her parents. She best just stay out of mine. I have a feeling my mother called her with her tale of woe and apologized. I really ripped into my mother that night. I was so angry. I still am. I am pretty sure she called my inlaws to say I'm sorry for bothering you. But it's not like a sincere thing. Like if you hurt someone's feelings and you are truly sorry. It's more of a sorry for bothering you, but made into her. So that someone would feel sorry for her. I'm sure she has run and told everyone aboutwhat happened. Hope that makes sense. I don't know how to describe it. I can only say that it makes me angry because she should have just left it all alone. However, as much as my mother put my inlaws in the middle of it, they should have told her that they did not want to be in the middle of it. My mil feeds into it. Which makes it worse. Very frustrating. I have decided when we do get pregnant again, she will not be finding out about it till after the 20 week anatomy US. I can not deal with her issues while dealing with my own.

So everyone pray, keep your fingers crossed, and hope that it works this month. Then pray that we bring a healthy mom and baby home.