Ramblings

So I finished the book Empty Cradle Broken Hearts. I have a feeling I will be looking at several more times for reference in the next few months. One particular paragraph brought a particular image in my mind. I have been with my ob's practice for over 4 years now. In four years, I have had one high risk hair raising pregnancy with severe pih and an early emergency induction at 35 weeks 5 days, a miscarriage at 13 1/2 weeks, 2 D&Cs, one lap with lysis of adhesions, and one lap. OMG that is a LOT to go through in 4 years!!!! No wonder my ob's office knows who the heck I am. There have been great days, there have been very very sad days. I think my ob has been there on the happiest days and also the worst days. I always thought of him as my dr. Just a dr. I guess never like they are human too.

I have an image in my mind. Something I will never forget. My ob's office is in a building right across from the hospital. The parking lot is always crowded. The way the office is arranged is you go in. You enter into the waiting room. To the left of the waiting room is a hallwaythat wraps around like an L. But flip it around so that the short part of the L is on top. There is an exam room. Another exam room. He ALWAYS uses these two exam rooms. Never any of the others. The others are used by the midwives and NP. Then it is my OB's office. His office is directly at the end of the hall leading to the big L. Then another two exam rooms. Then the Midwife's office. Another exam room, and then you are in the little L part. That has the other Midwife's office and an exam room. My ob's office sees out to the parking lot. There is a little rectangular window. My car was parked in the first row of spaces parked directly outside of this window. Through my tears as I was leaving. I saw him watch me put Sara into the car and then he quickly turned away. Through the window, I could see him sighing as if it was a bad day and taking a moment. It was then that I realized that drs are human too. That as sad as I was about loosing the baby, he was sad too. Unfortunately, for him, he had to be the bigger guy and do the deed. I am still eternally grateful that he authorized me to be knocked out in the hallway. I would not have wanted memories of actually being in the OR.

Now I have to go to this post op appt on Friday. I am DREADING this appt. I don't want the nurses to ask me how I am doing. I don't want them to take my bp, although they asked me if it was ok the last time. When I came in from the peri's office the nurse wanted to take my bp. I told her absolutely not and to get that thing away from me. It made me wonder if they documented it in my file and that's why the nurse asked if it was ok. I don't want anyone at the office to tell me how sorry they are cause absolutely no one is sorrier than me. We had planned for this baby. We loved this baby before it was even conceived and died. My worse thought was what if I had a baby in the NICU. Now my worse thought for the next one will be will it even have a heartbeat. I don't want any of the nurses to tell me it's hard. I know exactly how hard it is. I don't want anyone staring at me through the window like last time. I tried so hard to not lose it in the waiting room. Even seeing the pregnant women in there. I noticed a new receptionist staring hard and then trying not to stare. Maybe it was because the last time I had been there, I had to pick up a rx from my dr cutting back my work schedule. When I arrived, I had to pee so bad. So I asked if I could use the bathroom. They said yes, as I walking to the bathroom she said no need to leave a urine sample this time. How true that was because that was probably the day that my baby died. I don't want my dr or the nurses to ask me how I feel. The truth is I can feel ok one minute and be desparately sad the next. How am I supposed to feel. I want to say this sucks, this is awful. Truth is I will probably say ok. I think about if my dr asks if I am sexually active yet. Umm hell yeah. We got on that train immediately. I don't want an exam. Have I not been through enough? I just don't want to go. However, I do want to know if he sent the baby to pathology like I asked. I really hope he did. I would want to know if there was something wrong with the baby. Maybe if there was a chromosome defect, I can say, ok, this baby just wasn't meant to be in this world. But what if there was no reason and we are left with maternal infection? I want to get a urine test to make sure the kidney infection is gone, but I am not convinced. I don't want to be asked about my emotional state because I don't want to talk about it. I just really really don't want to go. I don't want to have to deal with it. If there are pathology results, just send me them to me in the mail. I'll go because it needs to be done. I know that Debbie who is the office manager will hound me down to come in. She hounded me last year for my annual exam. I was going to postpone it because I had just had knee surgery. Debbie called me FOUR times to remind me that I needed to come in for it. I have NEVER missed an appt at my ob's office so I am not sure why she called. I am still pissed off at the billing clerk. Sorry but she is such a bitch. I am going to discuss this with my ob. I shouldn't have to spend three days to get a referral. I shouldn't have to jump through hoops. I shouldn't have had to have my insurance company call her and tell her that it's needed. Quite frankly, she should just do her job. I am going to ask my ob if he will be charging me the copays on all those appts. That would be the ULTIMATE salt in the wound. I had already paid my copay for pregnancy. I shouldn't have to have more punishment in paying for all my ob appts because I lost the baby.

I dread going into my pcp's office. I know how happy they were that we were pregnant and they celebrated with us. I know how sad that they were to find out the baby was gone. I just can't go in right now. It represents the maternal infection cause I was in the office every week because I was so sick. I just can't bring myself to go back right now. I figure I will send dh to do it.

Life keeps going on, but mine feels like an eternity. I have hope that I will be pregnant very soon. Very soon seems like an eternity when everyone else's life is going on. I wonder if the one night one time was enough to get pregnant again. Everything was lined up right for it. If so, I would be due Nov 30th. Which for me would mean a halloween baby. If it didn't work, the next due date would likely be Dec 28th. A christmas baby. Wouldn't that be nice.

I look at calendars and wonder when. I wonder how many weeks I will be when in the next pregnancy. I wonder how I will react at the first US because I am insisting on an early one. I don't think my ob will say no. I think how I will react at the first appt. Will I cry when I hear the heartbeat for the first time? I wonder if I feel deadened in some way so that I don't get so attached. I wonder at so many things. I often think about when I was in the peri's office and she said there was no heartbeat. It's so painful I try and block it out of my mind.

Ok I am done rambling now.