Thursday, April 3, 2008

Well, it's almost that time again

Yes. I still cannot believe that I am back in the ttc mode again. It makes me want to cry at times. I should not be trying to have a baby. I should be 19 1/2 weeks pregnant and halfway there. I still hear the words in my head from the tech. Ummm, there's no heartbeat and the absolute disbelief of it. I have been part of a loss board since Feb 28th that I stumbled across one day. In the short time that I have been there, I have made some amazing friends. It is one place that I can go that they know EXACTLY what I am talking about. It's a place where I can rant and rave. There are two girls on it with losses around the same time as mine. They live 45 minutes from me!! I am so excited because I want to meet them. Dh will have a cow. While I would rather be 19 1/2 weeks pregnant and ignorant of the trials of losing a baby, I am glad that I did get something in return. If I hadn't of lost my baby, I would NEVER have met any of these women. They have taught me so much in the last month. You know how on some online messageboards you have women that snipe at each other. I have never once seen a rude comment, sniping, or anything. Everyone there is very kind, loving, and compassionate. It is amazing. When I get low, someone even though they have their own unbearable pain, can say the thing to lift me up.

So now I have learned in the last few weeks more than any person besides a dr should learn about trying to have a baby. I even learned how to check my own cervix (BIG EWWWWW, but whatever it takes). I was actually surprised to learn hey that's what my ob was feeling when he checked me in labor with Sara, lol. I remember he said I was 50% effaced and a fingertip dialated when I was admitted. I remember thinking, HUH. So he drew me a picture of the cervix and effacement. Got it now doc. At the time, I thought he was doing a little crack or something. He's a hoot at times. I have learned about temping although mine is not looking to be accurate cause I NEVER sleep 3 hours in a row nowadays. I picked up on using Guanifesin to increase cervical mucous (who knew). Yes, folks I am pulling out all stops this month!

I secretly worry that I won't be able to get pregnant. I know, I am thinking irrationally right now. I mean I have two babies that were first tries and one that was a second try. My ob says that it will happen fast for us. Some days it doesn't seem fast enough. I worry that maybe my body is defective. Hey it is at the end, why not at the beginning. I also know it is rare to lose a baby after 12 weeks. So my anxieties are kicking in big time. I am worried that when I do get pregnant, I may have to be asking my ob to prescribe something for anxiety.

I am having a really hard time with pregnant people right now. I am so jealous. I'm jealous that my pcp who was not going to have kids is pregnant with a surprise (I really am happy for her, I just want to be in that group too!). I get upset at the fact that there are people who have no business having babies having them. I did EVERYTHING right. I planned for that baby for over two years. Did all the tests. Adjusted meds. My baby still died. I went to Kirsten's recital last night and there was a woman there that looked to be about where I should have been. All I could think was that should be me. It makes me mad on my June baby board that there are people having babies with no job, credit problems, no money. WTH. I know it will happen, but I want everything I lost in a second back now. It is not right that my whole world came to a screeching halt in a second and then it takes months to get it back.

So now I am at the stage of waiting to O. That will be this weekend. I have pulled out all the stops to try and make it happen. It surely will not be from a lack of trying with testing with opks now 3 times a day in case of a less than 24 hour surge, checking my own cervix (still eewwww), checking cm, temping, taking guanifesin, stopping my allergy med as it dries up mucous, dtd each night from now till after O just to make sure spermies are there waiting for that magic time.

Then I will have hope for 2 weeks. Hope that I will be. Hope that it happens fast. I think I will be in tears when I get the BFP this time.

Kirsten had her first recital last night. As the proud mama, I taped it. She also lost her last tooth right before she went on!!!! It warms my heart that Sara adores her big sis. Sara when Kirsten was performing was yelling KIRSTEN, KIRSTEN, KIRSTEN. lol. We had to shoosh her. She did well with sitting through it. I think my mil is po'd at me because of my mom. I really don't care. It is something she best be stepping out of. She really doesn't want to get involved with it. I didn't get into the relationship (there was none) with her parents. She best just stay out of mine. I have a feeling my mother called her with her tale of woe and apologized. I really ripped into my mother that night. I was so angry. I still am. I am pretty sure she called my inlaws to say I'm sorry for bothering you. But it's not like a sincere thing. Like if you hurt someone's feelings and you are truly sorry. It's more of a sorry for bothering you, but made into her. So that someone would feel sorry for her. I'm sure she has run and told everyone aboutwhat happened. Hope that makes sense. I don't know how to describe it. I can only say that it makes me angry because she should have just left it all alone. However, as much as my mother put my inlaws in the middle of it, they should have told her that they did not want to be in the middle of it. My mil feeds into it. Which makes it worse. Very frustrating. I have decided when we do get pregnant again, she will not be finding out about it till after the 20 week anatomy US. I can not deal with her issues while dealing with my own.

So everyone pray, keep your fingers crossed, and hope that it works this month. Then pray that we bring a healthy mom and baby home.

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