Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Lost this baby too....

It is so not fair. Why did God give me a miracle to only take it away again. I mean I wasn't happy that I wasn't pregnant, but was dealing with it. Why say not pregnant, then pregnant, then not pregnant again??? I knew I implanted late. I also read that STUPID study from the NEJM that stated that if implantation took place on the 11dpo that meant that there was an 82% chance of miscarriage. So I knew my chances were slim. WHY couldn't I be in the 18%?? My levels on Saturday were 23. I was DEFINITELY pregnant. Then yesterday they are down to 4. I had my ob's office draw the levels. I don't like being in this club. I just want one healthy baby. Just one more. Then whoever wants my uterus can HAVE it. Seriously, I am thinking of a csection hysterectomy the next time. That way NO chance of being pregnant after the baby is born. I guess I should know that by now me getting pregnant on the first or second try is NOT a fluke. I get pregnant quick. I just need to keep them in is all. The nurse said I should still see my ob on Friday. You know what I don't want to go. If all he is going to tell me is how sorry he is, I don't want to hear it. I know people don't know what to say and say they are sorry. Honestly, how sorry are they? They can not be as sorry as me. The sad part is no one knows what to say or do with me now. Dh is leaving in July and August for like 6-7 weeks so both of those months are now out. So I only have this month and next month now to get pregnant. Everyone is saying how I should just sit out a few months. I don't WANT to sit out a few months. If I sit out a few months, I have to get on some continuous BCP because the endo grows. If I get on with it and get pregnant again, it doesn't. So now I am back to having NO idea what to do with my cycle. I took two OPKs today and a pregnancy test. Pregnancy test is negative (after taking about 20 this weekend). Opks have nice lines on them. Not as dark as the test line, but not like there is not a surge starting. I am wondering if because I was downing so much water, my urine was so diluted it wasn't picking up the positive pregnancy tests. Which is funny because I had a postive dollar store and internet pregnancy test yesterday, pretty faint, but there. How can that be at only 4 hcg level?? My first response test was pretty faint Monday morning though. Although it had been blazing Sunday night. So I am not sure if I am going to O now or bleed? I bled a lot last week. I think I actually lost the baby then. Just found out by accident. So for now I test and wait. I'll either O or get a period. One of the two.

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