Saturday, April 12, 2008

Witchy Day

Yes I am the evil wicked witch today. Dh took the girls OUT because I was so bad. He hardly ever does that. He went and escaped at his parents house then is taking the girls for McDonalds. I feel bad, but I just can't help it. One thing that irritates me is how I have trashcans all over the house. CAN HE OR KIRSTEN MANAGE TO HIT ONE? No, they can't. My 2 year old can put her trash away, but a grown man can't. It drives me crazy. If you use a paper towel, THROW IT AWAY. If you are done with the newspaper, THROW IT AWAY. How hard is that??? Then Sara decided she needed to get up at 4:30am. I tried putting her back to bed and nope she wouldn't go. She was up full throttle. I did cheat and put on Alvin and the Chipmuncks which left her comatose for an hour or so. I went and laid down on the couch while she was watching the movie. Then I was even more cranky because MY BOOBS HURT. Which this is probably a very very good sign. We are not talking about a little on the sides like last month. Sara managed to jab me and it was like OMG. All over soreness. My bra that was too big is all of a sudden too small and constricting. I am only 5 dpo. I am trying to find any reason that I can to attribute to it to not being pregnant. I really think I am. The next week is going to crawllllllll.

I thought I would be totally over the moon finding out I am pregnant. Don't get me wrong I will be. But now all of a sudden I panic again. I wonder how I will ever go to another US again and not start bawling. It will be pure torture looking for a heartbeat. I guess the one saving grace was it happened at the peri's office. My ob has promised me anytime I go to the peri, he will check for a heartbeat first. I know he will do as he promised. I will still have that worry of ok, heartbeat this morning. What about that afternoon? It's just maddening. I hate hate hate that loss of control. I can control the end with PE. I can check my urine myself, jab my ankles and shins, take my bp, and lay down and rest. I can't control losing a baby. I had no warning. Heartbeat was there and we were safe. Heartbeat was gone in a moment's time. Sometimes it seems that the only person the baby was real to was me. I was the only one besides my ob and peri and the US tech that totally saw the baby on US. Dh went to my appt at 12 1/2 weeks. My ob and I were so enthralled with looking at the heart of the baby, that dh was like that's ok. My ob did move out of the way for dh to see, but he couldn't see much. I am going to make sure dh goes to my first US with me at the hospital.

Oh and my boss has decided to push the issue with work at home as soon as I get pregnant. for once this will be one battle that I will not stand down on. This has been offered to every pregnant woman in my organization even for NORMAL pregnancies. She said that she wouldn't accept a note from my ob that stated for medical reasons. Fine, tell me what you want it to say. I'll tell my ob. He is going to ask me how to word it anyway. We might as well get it right the first time. Well he has to word it right and it's ok if he uses really big words. I don't have to know what they mean. I am thinking are freaking kidding me? Let's see previous ob history with severe pe, severe pih, premature delivery, 2nd trimester miscarriage, chronic HTN. Amazes me. Seems she only likes it when it works for her (did I mention she worked from home yesterday?) That's ok, I am ready to deal with that and will deal with that when needed. I already have the contact information for the EEO guy that deals with Federal Agencies. Also, I plan on working as many comp time hours in the next few months as I can so that I can just go out on leave if I need to. My plan is to build 250 comp time hours. I have 38 as of this payperiod (this was after I used up all my comp time on using leave when I lost the baby). I plan on 17 the next payperiod. Then I will be putting in about 30 hours a payperiod for the next couple of months. This is our busy time. So I will have 270 annual leave hours, 94 hours sick leave, I can be advanced 240 hours of sick leave, 250 hours of comp time, and 24 hours of credit time. Which when you add up the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, equals to 5 1/2 months of full time leave. I plan on being able to go completely out at 30 weeks. Then taking 3 months off when the baby is born. I figure even if I were to go full term, the latest they would let me be pregnant is 38-39 weeks. Well no ob is going to want to work Christmas. So that would probably be 38 weeks and is easy to justify to the hospital with my history. I have already been told no way to going past due. Quite frankly I want a full term baby, but I want that baby to be born alive. So whenever it is safe to get the baby out, I am ok with. Of course this is a lot of IFs, seeing I have yet to get past 36 weeks. So I think I have the leave thing worked out.

All the chart stalkers online are saying my chart looks beautiful. I wish I was as confident as them. Quite frankly I am worried that my temps have leveled off. They say it's beautiful and sometimes boring is good.

I have decided that if I am pregnant, I will call the office on 4/22 to schedule an appt. This time I will ask to speak to J because she was upset that I didn't talk with her and schedule my appt the last time. So I decided this time I will. I know as soon as she hears, she will grab my ob between patients and tell him. It's nice when an office cares like that. I'll finally be able to deal with going back into my pcp's office too. I just can't go in there right now. I really have to get Sara's med forms done. They don't expire till 4/24 so I can take them in that day and get them done.

I did something for myself. I bought a necklace to remember the baby by. I got the stone for February because that is when they baby was born and died to me. Here is what I got:

Look under baby tears memorial necklace. Isn't it beautiful? It is handmade from England. I got an email that it had shipped and I so excited to get it. Dh thinks I was nuts to buy it. I don't care. Let him think what he wants.

Well I need to nap and go to the bathroom AGAIN. This better be a good sign.

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