Tuesday, April 8, 2008


You know I have some of the best online friends in the world and they know who they are. I have my pe online friends that I have known for years! Seriously girls, we have been friends for a long time. I have my June babies board that I have been friends with for 3 years. I have my new loss online support group. You know, God works in mysterious ways. I thought the day that I lost my baby was the worst day of my life. Truly it was. Even when I almost died with Kirsten, this was much worse. Because my baby was ok, I was the one that was sick. This time I was ok and lost my baby. That day I died a thousand deaths. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. My friends irl, don't understand. They think I am nuts for ever having another baby again. My friends online, they know why. It was my online friends that brought me out of the depths of that deep darkness. I didn't know how I was ever going to survive. It was my one pe friend that called me each day to make sure I was ok and I really appreciated that. She didn't tell me she understood. She just said it sucks and ranted and raved with me. Love ya girlie.

If it wasn't for losing my baby, I would not have found the loss board. On that loss board are two girls that live very near to me. We are already making plans to hang at the waterpark this summer. We have all agreed to get season passes. Two of us have children. The other girl lost her first. We are making plans to do other things. I have never met such a compassionate group of women. It saddens me each day when another woman joins our little group. I think how unfair it is. I am not sure what God had planned for me. I am not sure WHY it was my baby that was taken. I do know that I will see him again one day. One of the girls that is from the loss board just got her BFP. The other girl and I hope we are not far behind. We are also planning on visiting each other in the hospital when our babes are born.

I finally figured out what to do at the hospital for moms that lose their babies to miscarriage. I really searched for what to do. As much as I love my ob, I was very disappointed that no one gave me information on this. I left my ob's and peri's office empty handed, not even a brochure. They talked with me but I was so overwhelmed that it was all a blur. The hospital was the worst. I thought when Sara was readmitted for jaundice at 4 days of age was awful. This was worse. I felt so empty when I left the hospital. I felt like I was abandoning my baby there. I didn't ask my ob for the remains of the baby and I wish I had. I wish I had the baby cremated because he was a part of me. It hurts that they treated him like medical waste. I should have asked but was afraid of the answer. I guess in some way I didn't want to know. SO what to do. I came across a story that a girl posted about what the hospital did for her. Her hospital gave her an envelope when she was discharged and told her to look at the contents when she was ready. They told her it would make her cry. Inside was some loss poems, some brochures, and a piece of cardstock with a baby bootie attached by ribbon. I would have loved to have gotten something like that!

So I have a lot of guardian angel pins left over from my memory box project. I went to the dollar store and found great cardstock in the shape of a footprint. I found some wonderful loss poems. I found a really good website that has downloadable brochures on miscarriage. I'm going to attach the guardian angel pins by ribbon to the footprints and attach a small poem to it. I am going to include the brochures (3 of them and they are perfect). I am going to do another sheet that has the loss support forum web address that brought me out of my darkness and gave me hope on it, suggested books, suggested websites, and a few more really nice poems. I am going to make up packets into envelopes. I am going to box the packages/envelopes up and mail them to the nurse manager at the hospital. For understandable reasons, I can't deliver them myself at the hospital and I am terrified of going to the fourth floor right now. I hope they give these out to the women that lose their babies through stillbirth, miscarriage. This is a program that keeps giving because when they run out, they can go ahead and print more out and do the same thing I did. If it's too much, I'll be more than happy to do it. I am also going to give my ob miscarriage brochures and the websites for him to give to patients. So at least they have somewhere to go. Hopefully, the women leaving the hospital will not have to go through what I did and I made a small difference for someone. This makes me estatic that I found the perfect thing to do.

1 comment:


That is a beautiful thing you are undertaking. You will change so many lives in that one moment...when they realize they aren't alone.

For our child, Samantha 1/26/03-1/26/03
www.CBRSbill.blogspot.com ~NY Bill