Wednesday, April 9, 2008


I feel so blah today. Last night I started feeling queasy. I was thinking that maybe my boss has the stomach flu cause she was puking yesterday. But today her symptoms are totally different. She has vomiting, upper right gastric pain, and does not look good at all. I told her hmmm that's how I felt when I was pregnant with Kirsten and my liver was about to explode. CALL YOUR DR. She says she can't because her doc is not in today. Then go to the ER. Crazy lady. If she is still sick tomorrow, I am INSISTING that she either calls her dr or goes to the ER and get a liver panel done. She has had problems with her liver in the past. She has no gallbladder or appendix. So it's not that.

Then last night I started feeling queasy. Not vomiting. Not super sick. Just off and queasy. Today I am EXHAUSTED. I didn't get much sleep last night. So I am sure it is that. Course the back of mind has that glimmer of hope that I could be. Before anyone says it is impossible to have symptoms that early. I was puking with Sara Grace LONG before that test came back positive and feeling ill immediately. But I am pushing that back to the back of my mind. I am telling myself it is the stomach flu or maybe I got a bug from my boss. I am going to bed early tonight as I can barely keep my eyes open. I also had a 2 hour nap after work. I meant to work OT this week, but too tired.

My FF chart looks beautiful right now. I am keeping my fingers crossed that it continues to stay that way. It is my first month charting and it is hard to do. You just have to be consistent. Well I hate waking up at 455 am every morning and temping. But it gives me something to obsess about.

Dh is totally into that show High School Reunion. I do believe this is the first reality show that he has been hooked on. Maybe it is because of people from his high school years. A bunch of 40 year olds acting like two year olds. Speaking of that, OMG I will be 34 next week. How the hell did that happen. I still feel like I should be 21. I sent an email to a friend of mine that I met the first day of college literally. I realized OMG we have been friends for 16 years. WHAT??? It seems impossible we have been friends that long. I can't believe I started college 16 years ago.

I have been having flashbacks lately. It hasn't helped that I have read a blog that described the situation with me when I lost the baby perfectly or watched that show Deliver Me. That poor woman whose baby died. I thought OMG that same scenario happened with me except my ob and peri don't share offices together. Heck they don't even share the same city. I still remember my peri asking you never see the midwives. I say no. I always see my dr. Are you sure? I think I would know who I see now. I still hear my ob's words on the phone telling me, Gee I am so sorry. Will you come into the office this afternoon or tomorrow morning to discuss your options? The only thing I could think of is take care of everything immediately and that's what I told him. I wonder if my reaction surprised him. Do all women want it taken care of immediately or is it just me? I remember I started crying on the phone with him. I told him I would be there that afternoon. He told me to please drive carefully on the way back to the office to him. I promised I would. I remember my peri saying it was probably the kidney infection that did it but I had also had the flu. She also said and your hypertension could have caused it as well. Great, place the blame on the woman. My pressures were not all that bad though. I did everything to get them down. It wasn't as if I wasn't proactive. My ob absolutely does not think it was the HTN. I remember being led from the US room to the bad things have happened consultation room. I hate that room. It was very nicely decorated. Had comfortable chairs and a phone on the table. I remember being led out the back way and having my peri watch me put Sara in the carseat. Off I drove back home, crying the entire way. I don't know how I will ever get the guts to walk back into my peri's office, into the same room again. My ob has told me I can certainly come in and see him first for a heartbeat check. I won't be going alone to the peri again. I wonder how I will ever look at the US screen without my ob or peri saying there, there is the heartbeat, it is ok. I wonder how I will deal with each appt. I am going to be terrified walking into my ob's office for each appt. I just hope I can handle everything ok.

I guess this came about because last night after watching that show Deliver Me and having flashbacks, I started to panic. All I have wanted is to get pregnant again. Now there is a very real possibility that I could be. I am TERRIFIED it will happen again. I hate that innocence is gone. How can you be estatic and panicked at the same time? I mean there wasn't ANYTHING to indicate anything was wrong. No bleeding. No spotting. No cramping. A perfect heartbeat. Gone. Gone in a second. I got a bill from my peri's office. I never know what to pay to her as a copay. Sometimes it is $15. Sometimes it is $20. I paid $15 for that fateful appt. I just got a bill for $5. Yep, $5. So I am going to send a check in. With the check, I am sending in a request that if they please have an US picture from Peyton if they would mail me a copy of it. The tech saved a couple of images. I am hoping that they are still saved. I am not expecting anything, but it would be a nice surprise if they do. I am not sure how they would handle that.

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