Saturday, May 3, 2008

The wait begins again....

I guess I can say that an enormous amount of weight has been taken off my shoulders. I was very worried that my body would not return to normal. I am very happy that all of my drs are treating me like glass. It's amazing the difference in care when you have lost a baby, not to mention two in the space of a few months. The last one was not as bad. I guess because even though I was pregnant again. I only knew about it for 4 days before I lost it again. It never had a heartbeat. I guess that makes a difference to me for some reason. I feel like I have been on this wild roller coaster ride. All I want is to get pregnant again asap and have a normal QUIET pregnancy, kwim. The weight has been taken off my shoulders. Half the battle is just getting pregnant and well we all know that is not a problem for me. It's just making them stick around that is the problem. I was sad that day till I discovered I was ovulating and then that just made my week!!! Sometimes I wish I could just fast forward ahead.

People can't believe my positive attitude and persistence. All I can say is statistically, eventually we will get a baby that sticks! You can do one of two choices. You can sit there and let it eat you and then you eventually become dark and shrivel up and die. Or. You can fight your way out of the darkness and get the best gift of all. It has not been easy to fight out of the darkness. The day that I found out Peyton was gone, part of me died. I have never been the type to give up as those that know me well will tell you. I have two beautiful girls that absolutely need me. I can't give up because then I give up on them.

My dh sent me a really beautiful story about a guy that was a motivator. He was always upbeat to the point of annoying. One day the guy fell from a scaffold and broke his back. He goes to the ER. The drs asked him what he was allergic to. After thinking for several minutes, he told them gravity. After the round of laughter, he told the drs to not give up on him because he hadn't given up on himself yet. He eventually made a full recovery. A friend asked him how he didn't let himself go down in dispair. The guy said, I could do that. However, what good will that do anyone? You can let yourself get down and out and die. Or you can choose to live. This guy chose to live. The moral of the story was do not worry about tomorrow as tomorrow will reveal itself soon enough and have its own set of problems. Worry about today as today was the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Ever since dh sent me that email, I have been trying to make a concerted effort to do that with my own life.

Some of my friends say I am glossing over things. I really honestly think that there are worse things in the world. I know I can get pregnant. That's half the battle. What would be worse would be to not be able to get pregnant, spend 5 years trying, only to loose a child. That really sucks. What about never being able to have a child. That would suck. I have a good life. I have wonderful drs who support me. How many pcp's would call you from home to let you know your US was ok on a Saturday? What about getting the hospital to call in an US tech to reassure you? Not too many. How many ob drs stay with you during your entire labor and do everything themselves? There wasn't a nurse there that touched me during the time I had Sara. They did ivs. They assisted my ob. He did all my checks and everything himself. How many obs sit with their patient in recovery when they had a d&c for a baby that died at 13 1/2 weeks? From what I get from friends, not too many. How many nurses will call you from the peri's office just to talk with you and make sure you are ok? Not that many. I have a good job that pays me well. Drives me crazy at times. Really though it is not that bad a job. I know there are a few special people where I work that will check on me constantly. I live in a country where there is opportunity if you want to take it. So things could be worse. At least I had warm compassionate drs and I live in a country where I can make the most of the opportunities presented.

While it sucks that teenage girls get knocked up, the condom broke for a friend, someone is having their 5th kid, someone else has an unexpected pregnancy, it will just make it that much nicer when it happens for me. I know I will cry when I see the baby on the US. I know my ob will be doing a multitude of blood draws and USs to make sure everything is ok. No, they won't think I am a crazed freak for calling and worrying.

So let's hope that blood test on the 12th comes back good. Let's hope for happy news. Let's hope for a healthy and happy nine months. Cause if you lose hope, what else is there?

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