Sunday, May 18, 2008

Totally and Utterly Frustrated

and ready to cry. Let me preface this by saying it is not my intent to hurt anyone's feelings. I KNOW I have a lot to be grateful for. I have 2 living children that are absolutely beautiful and I know that. I am so frustrated. I am one of those people that have a type A personality. If I am intent on getting something, I usually do. I can always figure out a way to make it happen or do what I need to do to get it. I don't really know what it is like to fail at something, till now. I hate it. This is something that I can not control and have to learn patience with. This is not something I can force to happen as much as I want to. This is something that will take time. I don't like it at all. All I want is one more child. The one more child to make our family complete. I already have enough problems with pregnancy at the end due to blood pressure and preeclampsia. Those that don't know my story, I almost died with my first daughter. She was fine, but I became very ill and was in the MICU on L&D with her. Most women go in and have a baby. I didn't. I became very ill to the point my kidneys were starting to fail, my liver was about to explode, and my blood was not clotting. I spent 4 days on L&D with a nurse at my beside making sure I didn't seize or stroke out or both. Both of us came out of it fine, but the experience had me freaked about ever being pregnant again. It took over 5 years to get the courage up for Sara.

With Sara, I spent most of the pregnancy in bed. I missed major milestones with Kirsten. Her first soccer goal... I missed most of the summer because even after an emergency induction with Sara for severe pregnancy induced hypertension and fetal decels, I was on bedrest afterwards as well. I was on bedrest afterwards for the PIH, and complications from delivery to include clotting, severe uterine infection, ecoli, and retained parts, etc. Had an emergency d&c and recovered slowly. On top of that I have endometriosis and adnenomyosis (endo in the uerine wall). Which leaves every period as h*ll on earth. After consulting with an endo specialist last year, my choices were: Lupron - not going to do as it puts you in temporary menopause and has bad long lasting effects, another lap if not pregnant by 6 mos, hysterectomy, conception. Since we wanted another child, we chose to persue conception. Got pregnant immediately with Peyton, whom we lost at 13 1/2 weeks. Following that loss I had clotting issues again and bad complications from the d&c.

I have always gotten pregnant very quickly. Kirsten was a first try, Sara was a second try, Peyton was a first try, the chemical pregnancy was a first try. So I guess this upcoming round will be the second try. I know there are many women on here that have it much worse. I just need a whine day. I know absolutely that we want another child. It's not enough that I have to worry about dying. It may seem dramatic but it is true. I do have excellent drs that will take no chances. If I didn't have that team, I would not even be trying. I have an awesome perinatologist, obgyn, and pcp. The preeclampsia can be managed by serial bloodwork, USs, 24 hour urine tests, bpps, NSTs. I have a plan mapped out for that with my drs. I fully intend to comply with bedrest at 26 weeks (which is when they think I will be out completely). My ob has promised me serial blood draws, early USs, told me I can come to the office for heartbeat checks whenever I feel the need for them.

I live 45 mins between 2 regional children hospitals with high level NICUs.Why this and why me? Havn't I paid enough? Why not the drug addicts and the ones that don't give a d**n about their kids??I try to think that there is a bigger plan out there for me. I realized that with another month that goes by that is more leave for me to be out on if it is needed. I planned on 3 mos off after baby is born. Right now I can have 6-10 weeks off on full paid leave before baby is born (depending on when I would deliver 36-40 weeks). I try to think maybe God is teaching me patience. I just wish I didn't have to learn all these lessons and it could be easy.

I had it all planned. Everything was falling into place. I was pregnant. I had gotten approved for work at home due to my pregnancy complications. I was offered a job three times and turned it down. A better job with more pay. I turned it down because of pregnancy. I was worried about additional stress. They even told me they would wait for me. They arranged to have another announcement go out in April. I was to apply again. They were going to stretch out the times so that I could be hired at the end of July and start in November. However, I lost the baby. That job while it was advertised, well I didn't apply for it. Now that is all gone too. I do have a good chance for a job in my current agency. There are two promotions coming open in my office that I will be applying for. So I am keeping my fingers crossed for that. I just don't understand why it has to be so hard. I just want one more child for our family to be complete. I want to have a healthy and happy pregnancy. Then when that baby is out, I am scheduling the hysterectomy. That's all I want. It's very simple. How come it is not coming out that way?

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