Sunday, July 6, 2008

You know it's ok......

to talk to me and tell me how sorry you are about the baby we lost. It's ok to say how sad it made you to, a future that was snatched away within a few seconds. All of our hopes and dreams with that child gone within a blink of an eye. It's ok to talk about our baby. I may shed a few tears still, but at least I know you care.

This weekend was the first time I had seen everyone on dh's side of the family since we lost the baby. Every one of them knew our baby was here and then gone in the blink of an eye. It's unfortunate, but a week to the day we lost our baby, dh's beloved aunt died. I somehow think that maybe Peyton went to tell her it was ok to let go. She loved babies. She loved my two girls here on earth as if they were her own. Always treated them as if they were her own. I like to think that Peyton is right up there with her sitting on her lap and getting all the love in the world from her because that is just how she was. I didn't attend funeral services for her because I was too devestated over the loss of our baby. Two huge losses within a week's time was too much for me.

So this weekend was the first time that any of dh's family saw me. Not one. Not one person said how sorry they were. Not one person said how they had thought about us and had us in their thoughts and prayers. Not one person asked us how we were doing and if we were ok. Our baby was ignored. As if he never existed. See, he did exist. Only I have the US images in my head. Well me and dh. That's one thing I have made sure of this time. I get a picture with every US. Our baby had a body, ribs, head, arms, legs, feet, and most of all a heartbeat for 9 weeks. No one but us remembers.

People came up to sil and told her how sorry they were she has a heart condition. Her heart condition can be controlled with meds and diet. When she was first diagnosed. Dh called me in a state of panic saying she was near death. They were not sure if she was going to make it. I left work immediately. Imagine my shock when I arrive at the hospital. Is she in the ICU? Umm, nope. Is she so sick that only one member can visit at a time? Um nope. Nope none of that. She is reigning court in the hospital room sitting indian style on the bed with a food tray, tv on, and up laughing and talking with all these people that came to visit. Since when is that close to death? Of course mil and dh, are telling everyone how ill she is (Ok, she was sick but come on), yet she is able to laugh, eat, talk and is no where near an ICU. Many came up to tell her at the picnics that their thoughts and prayers were with her. Many sent her cards. Many said they were sorry to hear that she had gotten sick.

No one said anything to us. No one sent us a card to acknowledge the fact that our child had died from his side of the family. Only close friends, dh's work, and some of my family members did. No one from his side of the family said anything at all, except his uncle when he saw us a few weeks ago. He came up and hugged me and asked me if I was doing ok. Maybe he connected with our baby gone and his wife gone at the same time. He was the ONLY one that did tell us how sorry he was.

Why is it that a minor illness was cause for major concern, yet the death of a baby wasn't? Why is it that everyone told sil how sorry they were she had gotten sick (really she is in no danger of dying as long as she loses weight, changes her diet, and takes her meds), but no one said anything about our child that died? I was really sick when our baby died. Months of antibiotics to cure the kidney infection that took his life. In fact, still battling that issue now with a Urologist. Because I am pregnant now and what happened before, they have had me on antibiotics for the last two weeks. In fact, it's looking like I may stay on them for the duration of the pregnancy. Bedrest afterwards because I was still too ill from the kidney infection, flu, and surgery. I hemmoraged afterwards and had I of not been in a hospital with immediate access to fluids and pit could have died. Thankfully, the nurses got everything under control in a few minutes. Why is it that complete strangers are more acknowleging of our loss than our own family. The ones that are supposed to be there through thick and thin.

I just wanted to say, it's ok to say that you are sorry to. It's ok to say that you have thought of us often. We want to talk about the baby that we loss. Even though we are pregnant again, it doesn't make it easier to know that we would have had a baby within the next month or two. A baby that is now gone.

Because no one said anything about our loss while acknowleging other family members trials and tribulations, we decided to say nothing about this new baby. This new baby that we have fought so hard for with progesterone treatment, antibiotics to keep the kidneys healthy, and bp readings to keep the bps down. In our minds, at this time, they didn't deserve to know at this point. Maybe we will tell them when we are 20 weeks. At the time, when insurance and everyone else recognizes a baby.

Can you believe that one person had the nerve to ask when we were going to have another? She didn't say anything about the baby we lost. Just that were we done and were we going to have another. I was extremely vague and said eventually.


ame i. said...

I just "found" you today. I guess I know how I will spend the rest of my evening: going through your archives.
I'm so sorry no one recognized your loss. I realize some people just don't know what to say, so they don't say anything. Still, sometimes "I'm sorry" is good enough, isn't it? Even looking into your eyes and giving a gentle hug can be is better than ignoring the situation.
I've never lost a baby so I won't act like I know how you feel. I do know that when I was pregnant with my two daughters, I "felt" their spirits inside me and considered them to be children the minute I saw that line on the ept.
I don't blame you for not sharing your news with some others yet. You are now in my favorites (yeah, I know that is thrilling,ha) and will certainly keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

PE Mommy said...

Thank you!