Why is it when I was pregnant with Sara and WANTED all the baby samples I could get that they were few and far between? Yet, we lose our baby at the beginning of the second trimester (had registered the week before because I thought I was "safe") and we continue to get bombarded with congratulations emails/letters/samples? Seriously, it started a couple of weeks ago. The first to arrive was Similac samples and checks. I got two full cans and 4 checks for $5 off. After the shock wore off, I checked expiration dates and will just save for this baby. Then there were diaper samples from Pampers and Huggies. Today, I checked the mail and thought WHEW safe. Our settlement paperwork came in today (hooray!!!!). Anyway, I had to take Kirsten to a skating event for Girl Scouts. I pull into the driveway and what do I see on the porch. Not one, by TWO samples of enfamil formula. I have tried to get off the lists. I have even tried erasing the registrations by reregistering for the new baby as a secondary attack to stop the onslaught. Has not worked yet! Checked the expiration date. Put it away for the new baby. I give in. I just wish dh was here to check the stupid mail. He would hide this crap for me.
I take Kirsten to the skating rink. I go in with her and make sure she is all settled in. The troop leader who is a friend of mine said she heard congratulations were in order. However, it was like oh, congratulations. Not sure how to describe it, but it certainly was not the happy congratulations my other friends have given. This was also the same friend who had the immediate reaction upon hearing we lost our baby that said "well she knew she was high risk anyway". UGH.
Then that reminded me of when I had the allergic reaction to the shellfish (saw the PA last night at the soccer tournament and he was glad I was looking much better. No shellfish while pregnant unless I got a epi pen or people with me he said!). Anyway, when I was at my pcp's office, when deciding what course of action to take. My dr asked the nurse if I was STILL PREGNANT??? What kind of freaking question is that??? How am I supposed to take it? I mean this isn't exactly what I need someone asking. Is she still pregnant? OMG. You know, my ob sends her regular consultations as does the urologist and the perinatologist. Plus, the hospital automatically copies her on all labs and USs. So you would THINK she would know the answer to this question.
Before I lost the baby, I had no idea how insensitive people could be. I mean you have to take it with a grain of salt. Unless you have been through it. You will never know. When it happened at the time, I couldn't understand why God does what he does. I think in my case the timing wasn't right. I think that there is a reason why things happen even though we may not understand it. In the end, things work out the way they should. I still have not figured out all of the reasons and they whys. I may not ever know why. I do believe that we have an angel waiting for us in heaven. I do believe that Angel is being cared for by Aunt K. I like to sometimes think that our angel baby went to heaven so that he could be there for when Aunt K did. He let her know it was ok to go.
I leave you with a poem that was posted on my loss boards a few months ago. I have a copy of it and carry it in my purse.
A Different Child by Pandora MacMillian
There's a special glow around you.
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them with compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I am only here
Because my mother tried again."
I think this is one of the most beautiful poems I have ever read. It describes exactly how it is to be pregnant with another child. You don't forget the one that you lost and is gone. You absolutely love with all your heart the next one because they could be gone one day too.