Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Going home....

Well work is better. So thought I would start off with that. I am not due back into the office till Wednesday. I see the chiropractor on the 3rd (thank God I need it). I see my ob on the 4th. Anyway, had a little talk with our new boss. Basically, I can do everything that Counsel says even if it is wrong or he could let me do my job. Counsel can stick to the legal stuff. He agreed. :)

This weekend we go home. I really want to see "some" of my family. I absolutely don't want to see my mother or my other sister at all. I will end up seeing them, I do not want my whole weekend spent with them. I have planned excursions for a harbor boat cruise, carriage ride, aquarium, and the beach. I am on the hunt for some paintings by an artist I love. Last time I found a great little gallery off Market Street. I'll see my mom and my one sister at the wedding. I'll have to see my mom for breakfast Saturday. My other sister just called and asked if she could tell my mother that we were coming now. I SAID NO. I don't want to give her ANY heads up. She is going to call her Friday night and tell her. She is going to tell her I am still angry and it is because of what she said and how she acted after we lost the baby. She should have minded her own business and given us space and she didn't. Instead, she ran her mouth all over town about crap that was NOT true. She made me feel like a teenager that had done something wrong when we told her we were pregnant. Then when we lost the baby, she ran her mouth telling everyone I was severely depressed, suicidal, and needed a psychiatrist. Now I have no problems with people needing that. HOW DARE SHE. She hadn't even spoken to me hardly. How the hell would she know. It makes me so angry to this day that she took something so private and tragic for us and made it into something very ugly. She made it as if we didn't have a right to grieve the way we wanted. She just made a situation that was already the worst that we imagined and made it even worse. I can't even stress enough about it. For once I had had it. I am tired of being the adult. I am tired of dealing with HER issues. I can't stand how negative she is. Everything is ALWAYS someone else's fault. I hate how when we told her we enrolled Kirsten in dance class. She said oh well I wish I could have done that for you, but I didn't have the money. Truth was she did have the money. When my father died, she got 80K that was for US. She also got social security every month till we were 18. She had a good job at the time. She didn't pay for medical or dental for us as the military covered it. Honestly, she spent the money on herself. She always had expensive clothes and shoes and nails done. I very very rarely got anything new growing up. If I got something new, my aunts or my grandmother bought it. She could have done those things, but chose not to. For us (we have the money now, but didn't last year), we choose to give our daughters this. Last year we made sacrifices for them to be able to do these things. That's what you do for your kids. You think beyond yourself. She could never ever do that for us. If any of us have good fortune, she is the first one with her hand out and saying gimme. I also want my sister to tell my mother that she needs to look at this as an opportunity to see the girls. Not oh woe be gone. I don't want to hear it and will walk out if it happens. So my sister said well I want to tell her. I said if you do, I won't see you and will be extremely upset (my sister offered up telling my mom but when I wanted her to know). I have reasons for not telling her. One, she would wrap her entire weekend around us and I don't want that. Two, she would tell my other sister who would be on the phone to every single hotel in the area trying to find out where we are at. So that is the bummer part of the vacation that I have to deal with this mess. Hopefully she will behave.

I am excited about seeing my other family. Oddly enough my one aunt seemed to understand when we lost the baby. It made me wonder if she had gone through a loss. She totally understood about my mother. In fact, all of my dad's side COMPLETELY understands why I am so upset. Which is wierd!

I just can't wait to spend time as a family and with my girls. I can't wait to share my heritage with them. I can't wait to play on the beach with them. I can't wait to see their little faces light up on a carriage ride and stuff. I need the strength and renewal that the beach will give me.

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