Sunday, September 28, 2008

Another PE post

So I have been thinking for the last few days. I guess these are just some random thoughts. I have been reflecting back to when Kirsten was born. How the ob that I had (belgian) just blew off everything and the military drs were doing all they could to flag their attention. I remember numerous trips to L&D that was an hour away. I only had one L&D trip with Sara. I remember thinking everyone was saying how sick I was. You know I just didn't feel THAT sick. I still remember lying in L&D in the area that was the MICU for labor patients that were really really sick. I remember no one being allowed in to see me. I remember how the room was kept as unstimulated as possible. How the room was kept dark. How my dh didn't say much. There wasn't the jovial celebration that you see on a Baby Story. In fact, there was no tv in my room at all. There was a nurse that stayed with us quietly doing stuff in the corner. Funny how I thought that was normal for every mom.

I worry about this time. I am not so worried about getting sick or being on mag anymore. According to my peri, it's a given. So I guess I have made my peace with that. You will get mag and it will suck but you have had it before and was ok afterwards. I guess I worry about my girls and dh. It was very important for me this time (as it has been each time), that we have that family time after the baby is born. I want the girls to be the first ones beside me and dh to see the new baby. I don't want anyone else to see the baby till we have that time together. Dh has an issue with this. He says how can we ask grandparents to watch the girls but then make them wait to see the baby? I tell him how upset I was that I didn't get to see that moment when Kirsten saw Sara. I didn't get that first moment of seeing their first baths or bottles. This time I do. Then I think, I may (ok most likely) be on mag. Do I want the girls to see me on Mag. Do I want them to carry the image of a really sick mom on mag. What about when they have THEIR babies and remember that. So many thoughts and feelings. No one but dh saw how sick I was with Kirsten because we lived overseas. I really do think I still want the time with the girls. I plan on asking my ob and pcp when it gets to be about that time to please allow them in to see me. I know they will be worried.

Another thing I worry about is how bad will it get? Will I be thrown in the ICU? I remember my ob with Sara saying he could always throw me in the ICU if I was bad enough. I think how scary is that? If I am in the ICU, the girls can not see me. I worry about dh. He was so worried with Kirsten. That was the first time I had ever seen him cry. He really really thought I was dying. Well I never thought I was THAT sick till I got my records. It was like OMG, no one ever told me how sick I had been. I guess the good news is how my peri put it. They will be watching me very carefully. They know it's coming. The good news is it hits later rather than early. So maybe if it is taken care of earlier, I won't get as sick. I have decided as much as I always wanted 4, this is our last. I can't put our family through this again. It's too hard.

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