Sunday, September 21, 2008

Ramblings about PE

So I have had a few days to think about what my peri said. Several things have stuck with me. I asked dh if he understood it to be the same. He said yes and that no I did not take it wrong or overreact. With the notching and resistance in the cord, I am going to be sick. There wasn't the oh you have a chance of not getting it. Look on the bright side there is a 30% chance you won't have it. It was you will get it based on history and notching. That sucks. It sucks because I know what I am in for. I only hope that I am far enough along to deliver a healthy baby. I don't want to be that mom in the NICU. I don't want to go to a university hospital. Sure everything is fine right now. Things got downright hairy with Sara and Kirsten. It isn't the norm to have your ob say I was so worried that you would call in the middle of the night and say you siezed or something. How about you don't have any idea how worried I was about you. At the time I thought hmm, he was overreacting. Over time I have been with my ob now for over 4 1/2 years. I know he doesn't take things lightly. He is not one too over worry or stress out. So for him to say that is a big thing.

It seems my appt with him on the second is a very very long way off. I have lots of questions now that I have done my research. I would agree with my peri's opinion. 40-60% chance of pe or pih added to a 75% chance of pe from the notching equals to a greater than 100% chance of it recurring again. She has over 25 years of experience. I guess I am not so worried about actual delivery or being in the hospital or even being on mag. I guess what I am worried about is a premature baby, seizing, knowing that my kidneys and liver could possibly fail. I know my ob has told me more than once, if I get that sick again, he would throw me in the ICU. I guess part of my problem is that I had high hopes of being the one that would sail through a third pregnancy. That I would be the one that got to be in Walmart and have their water break. That I would be the one to actually have a normal birth experience where you get to go in at term and have your baby. Instead, I'll get to be the one that the nurses (and/or doctors if it is not past 35 weeks) get to learn off of since I will be that rare case that comes in. I'll be the one that they will panic and worry about. I want to be the one that gets to laugh and eat ice chips in labor, not throwing up from the mag and feeling like death warmed over. I'm hoping that when I see my ob on the 2nd that he'll have some optimism (he is usually an optimistic guy). I'm sure my peri put it all in her report. The worst of it is to know what is to come and then have some jackass family member say that A) you knew what you were getting into so why are you even surprised B) that we deserve it (who deserves worrying about their health or their spouse's health and their baby's health? C) gloss it over and saying you are overdramatic.

I worry how the girls will be. I so wanted us to have family time after the baby was born for a little while. If I am magged I am not even sure they would be allowed in. When I was very sick with Kirsten, I was allowed no visitors except dh. Do I really want them to see me looking like death warmed over and bruised from constant needle pokes or the severe pe because my clotting is off? Should we wait to see them till I am off of it? I'm not so worried about the my health part of it as I know my ob is awesome and will be on top of everything. I mean the man stayed in the recovery room with me when I had the d&c when I lost the baby. He also stayed the night when Sara was born (he didn't get any sleep as there are constant references throughout my file that the nurses had made Dr. XXXX aware of my bp). It's just that it sucks plain and simple and it shouldn't be THAT hard. Many women can go and pop their babies out, why can't I?

I think I am going to call the peri's office on Monday and find out what my resistance index (RI) was. I wonder if I call and ask that question if they will think I am a complete nut or nerd. I mean how many of their patients show up in the office knowing what notching on a uterine artery means? Very few. At least that is what I got from the tech. I wish I had done some research on uterine notching before going in to my peri so I would have known the right questions to ask and could have looked at the US better. You can bet I will at my 28 week appt.

I also saw the look on the other tech's face when she was looking at my US. I am pretty sure she was looking at it as it was the uterine doppler study that was brought up with the absent flow. She had a really concerned look on her face. Kind of wondered at the time why they were all checking it out? Her look when she looked at the US and then looked at me in the exam room said it all and it has stuck with me since Thursday. I also wondered how often they saw that type of abnormal US. The tech said they only did 3-4 of those a month. So if they do only 3-4 a month. They deal exclusively in US and high risk pregnancies. Well you get the picture.

We have told very few people about the US results. Mainly because we don't want to hear from family we told you so. I know if we told the inlaws, they would say we were making it out more than it needed to be (this is from the woman that has been going on and on that sil can go into sudden death you know). Then my family being on the opposite side of the spectrum and calling every second wondering if I had siezed yet? Friends in real life can not comprehend it because you are the one percent in the one-eight percent that have had pe. Which is a really really small population. Pregnancy boards online have no idea as they can't comprehend it or you are the scary horror story that they all worry so much that will happen to them.

I worry that maybe we pushed our luck to far this time. Could we possibly be the exception and be lucky a third time? Maybe maybe if we hadn't of loss a baby at 13 1/2 weeks with something as random as a severe kidney infection and fly, we would feel that immunity or optimism. The sad part of that reality is that it happened once before, why not now. There is no guarantee. You can't look at it and say hey there is only a 2% chance of this happening again or most women that have pe go on and have healthy babies. The reality is you have already been the unlucky one to beat those odds. Not once. Not twice, but several times. One of the unlucky 5% to have lost a baby after 12 weeks. One of the unlucky ones to have been one of the 1% chance of the 1-8% chance to have had severe pe. So it's a bit hard to optimistic knowing you have that nagging doubt in your head. Don't worry, I am still optimistic for 37 weeks and no pe, but I also know my reality. Maybe I should start buying lottery tickets, you never know.

So I guess my plan for now is to make up my huge list of questions for my ob. Once I get those questions answered and see what my peri wrote in her consultation and what his take on it is, I need to make an appt to specifically discuss the baby with our family doctor. There are certain things I want to be able to do this time. I want to give that first bottle. I want some bonding time with the baby before she is whisked off to the nursery to be put on monitors. Fine, wheel me in there. Throw the bags of mag and bp meds onto a wheelchair and let me see her in her first hours of life. I'm sure I can work something out between the docs. I guess she will need to talk with my ob about the delivery of this baby as well so she knows it is on the horizon.

For now, focus on that this baby is healthy, she is a girl, and that for now things are ok. Take comfort in that I have good drs that know what they are doing. I just hope that when I head back into my ob's office that the nurses are not looking at me like I am an alien. He has new ones now from when Sara was born. He just needs to bring in the old ones for just for me. Have a new nurse work the triage phone. Well I feel better now that I have gotten that all out. Now off to Dell to price a new laptop for the bedrest that is sure to come.

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