Sunday, July 22, 2007

What ifs, girlies, fish, and pregnancy.

Oh my both my girlies are growing. Dh is out of town right now. He was due to be out till 8/16. However, he may come early. YEAH. I have been using the time for me time, enjoying my girlies and household projects. About those projects, I redid the playroom. I have hated the colors in that room since we moved here. But it was always a backseat to everything. So I painted it. Then I promptly dumped a half gallon of white paint on my nice burgundy carpet!!!!! It also splashed onto the tv and the nightstand that holds the tv. I wasn't so concerned with the nightstand. We bought it as an odd and ends about 12 years ago for about $70. It was in the PLAY room. But my carpet. I immediately tried to clean it up, but that made it worse. So I got my steam cleaner and it got it all up. OMG.

Took the girlies to go look at fish. We want a couple for a small tank. But I have "easy" requirements. I don't want anything that is too hard to take care of, that I can't kill and to have two in the tank. One for each girlie. Petsmart was very disappointing. Very little selection and no knowledge. Uh dude like maybe this one. Um no thanks. So then today we went to the other pet store. FOUR enormous rooms of fish. Rows upon rows of fish tanks. The girls were in awe. We are going back to pick up some fish next week. The sales guy helped us get chemicals to get our tank ready. He said wait a week and then come back. We are getting a beta fish and two algae fish. He promised they won't get eaten. WHOO HOO. The girls are so excited. Take that pet smart.

I have been having problems with the girls fighting lately. S. tries to beat her sister up by hitting, biting, or sitting on her head. K. tries to be a mom to S. who doesn't want anyone telling her what to do. Today S. wanted something. K. tried to take it away. S. started hitting her. I immediately scopped up S and put her in timeout. She was in shock. They don't do timeout in daycare and I think that is a load of crap. I finally after a few minutes went to timeout to talk with her. I told her she was being very naughty for hitting her sister. She immediately put both hands on her face, gave me the pouty face that looked like she was going to cry. It broke my heart. I told her to give her sister a hug and say she was sorry and she did. But she looked like she was going to cry the whole time. Gosh I still want to cry. K never did this stuff. Course she never had another sibling till she was 6.

Ahhhh I see pregnant women EVERYWHERE. From the day that I had S. I have wanted to get pregnant again. Not even just want to, but desparately want to get pregnant. I have thought about it alot why. We never thought we could afford more than 2 and well our job circumstances changed drastically in the last 2 years. We can afford another one. That's another thing, the other day, my ob made a comment that rubbed me wrong. I asked for an out of network referral for a specialist for pelvic pain and endo. He said well how are you going to pay for that, cash??? Ummm maybe I caught him on a bad day. He is not usually like that and is very concerned about not using up too much of patient's resources (thoughtful on rxs that are 10 days and will write for 30, bedrest - can you afford to take off). So I guess it threw me offguard. I mean I make very good money and so does dh. We make more than twice what the average household income is here. We both drive newer SUVs (ok, I didn't pay nearly what they are usually advertised for, I got a good deal on both and less than what a car would have cost). We live on a nice street, but not the ritzy part of town. We don't live in the slums either. Definitely middle class. We have been planning on moving, but don't want to move while I am pregnant. So it was either this summer (which nothing was on the market that we liked) or after baby, which is in about 2 years. Not a big deal. Anyway, I said to him, ummm no. That is why I am asking for an out of network referral. That way I would pay IN network costs. Unless you know of a specialist elsewhere that is in my network. Ummm no you are right, there is no other specialist. I'll write the referral. Better, I'll have my billing person do it. Insurance said to check and if not done by middle of August call his office back. But he did say that he would work with this new specialist to take care of me. :)

Dh and I were talking today on the phone. He is actually looking forward to a new pregnancy and baby. I felt so robbed. With K, it ended up that everything ended like that. We are terminating your pregnancy. But at least I had good days. With S. I was miserable every single day with heartburn, bp issues, vomiting, nausea, exhaustion. Not one good day. Even still, I was very upset when she came out. No time to see K. No time to prepare. Out she had to come. Maybe I am hoping for better this time. Maybe I won't be robbed. Dh told work last week that he will be unable to come out next summer to do training for them. Apparently he has been doing an excellent job. They asked him to come out again. But he turned them flat down and said that that he was expanding in a family way next year. GOOD FOR HIM. I never knew that babies could be healthy and happy as K was very ill for a long time. S was healthy and happy. No problems. But I am very excited to try. I would try now, but I don't want a spring baby. I want a summer baby. I want to spend the summer off again. It was fabulous with S. But I am planning for a baby at 35-36 weeks cause look at my track record. Sometimes I get so jealous of those women that are running around at 9 months pregnant cause that was something I never could do.

Sometimes the what ifs come in. What if I die. What if the baby dies. What if I get really sick. What if I have a baby that is permanently damaged from it. What if. Well with that I think, my chances of pe are 25%, hellp is 5%, 100% bedrest (I did it before and I can do it again), 100% bp issues (did it before I can do it again), and early delivery. But I am my best advocate. I know when things are not right. I will be vigilant in checking them. My drs will be too.

No comments: