Thursday, February 28, 2008

I think God hates me right now...

I am not sure why. It wasn't fair that I lost the baby just when the first trimester was completed, but now am having complications from the D&C. I have a uterus full of blood and clots that won't come out. Imagine being in labor for the last week and you will know how I feel. This morning I almost went to the ER at 4am because my stomach hurt so bad. I should have called my ob but am waiting till the office opens at 8am. I want to get this taken care of. I don't want to end up being admitted again or having ANOTHER d&c. All I want is to be normal again. I want to forget that I was pregnant these last three months, but can't. I still see the baby on the 50 inch screen at my peri's office on the wall. I hate that I think I am a nutcase right now. I hate seeing the looks of pity at the dr's office. There goes that girl, such a shame. It wasn't fair. Why is it that the young teeny bopper without a care in the world got to keep her baby and mine is dead? I have a nice house, family, job, and MOST OF ALL INSURANCE. This girl hadn't even bothered to apply for medicaid yet. I'm talking about the teen that had an appt the same time I did at my ob's office two weeks ago. I took some of the cough medicine for the bronchitis that had codeine in it and it has helped the pain some. However, my stomach is very very tender. Why is my body betraying me? I get up each morning thinking I have already gone through the two worst days of my life. It can only get better with each day. Each day is a step closer to trying again. Then I think when I do get pregnant again, I am going to feel so much guilt. Because it would be like trying to replace this one. I am sure when I call my ob's office he is going to want to see me today. That means seeing all the preggo magazines, pregnant women, etc. Then I think of the alternative, if I have a raging uterine infection, I could lose my uterus and that would be worse. So it's better to just suck it up and get on with it. People say it was God's will. Or this was for the best, there was probably something wrong with the baby. You can try again. It doesn't help me get through the now of it. I don't know how some of these women go through miscarriage after miscarriage. I take hope in that I have two healthy children. I got to 13 1/2 weeks. They tell me infection did me in. Chances are that I won't miscarry again. I just desparately want to get through the next month and try again. I hope that God will look down on us and bless us with another first try baby. However, I was one of the 2% that miscarry after 12 weeks. If I got struck by lightening once, I can get struck again. This all just sucks.

1 comment:

tafkalorelei said...

God doesn't hate you sweetie....sometimes he sure lays a lot of trials on us though. Hang in there. Love you! ((((hugs))))