One year has passed

One year has passed since that awful day. Funny how your life changes in a few seconds. Mine changed forever that day in the US room at my peri's office. I do have to say THANK GOD that they were observant of that. Throughout my entire pregnancy with Cate, I had a different sonographer and was in a different room. I have to say without a doubt that was the worst day of my life. The second worst day was 2/22/08 when I had the d&c. What an awful two days. I remember I kept thinking, where do I go from here. How do I go on? Even though I have a new baby now, she does not in any way replace the one we lost. I read somewhere that there are women many many years later that remember the babies they lost. 90 year old women that tear up on that day.

So what did I do today? Well I couldn't forget the day. So I spent the entire day holding Cate practically and thanking God that she was here healthy and safe. I was thankful that I had two drs that knew what they were doing and took her while I was still stable. Cate had her one month checkup this week and she is up to 6lbs 13 ozs. Her dr said those 8 extra days I kept her in and refused delivery made all the difference for her. She said she is very healthy.

Then tonight I went to the local Catholic school here in town. They have a grotto with candles and stuff. I wrote a note to Peyton saying we love and miss you baby Peyton, love Mommy and Daddy. I lit a candle for our baby on his angel day. I know that Aunt Kathy and Aunt Elaine are watching and caring for him and he is well taken care of. I still feel like someone is missing that should have been here. No I am not catholic and I hope they don't mind that I lit a candle there. It was the only place in town that I could go in anonymously and light a candle without anyone bugging me.

I have been thinking these last 5 weeks. I know it sounds crazy but I want another one. I think after the next one, I am going to have my tubes cut and burned before leaving the hospital. Cate is so easy and no problems. I sent a card saying thank you to my ob. In it I had 1 pesky kidney stone, 2 miscarriages, 14 weeks of bleeding, 19 weeks of progesterone supplementation, 20 weeks of braxton hicks contractions, and 36 weeks of bp issues. On the bottom is a pic of Cate with her stats saying thank you and to us she is priceless and worth it. Dh says I am nuts and crazy for wanting to try again. He is like NO WAY. We'll see where we are in 2 years. I hate odd numbers.... When I said this to my ob at my pp appt, he gave me a look like I was NUTSO. He didn't say it, but you could see it all over his face. He asked if my husband was twitching when I said that. I said something like that. I know he thinks I am crazy as a loon!!!My peri, she would DIE. She told me before I left that she loved me as a patient, but she didn't ever want to see me in her office again for that! It's not anything I havn't been told before though.

After my pp appt on Tuesday, I went over to the hospital to pull my records. I had a horrible labor nurse and her behavior was just inappropriate. So I have pulled my records to see what happened. I also pulled my records from that horrible day last year when I had the D&C. What is up with medical records. I always pull my records from any procedure or baby. I am anal like that. First the clerk says, you know your dr has to sign off on this (WHY THEY ARE MY RECORDS). Yes, I know. He will sign off on it. Then she looks up my records and says I have a LOT of records and it will be expensive. I don't care. I want ALL records generated. If I don't what all is in the record, I won't know what to ask for. So it is easier for me to just pull everything and pay for it. I know from Cate that my hospital record would have all of my prenatal records in it. I also wanted to see what crazy nurse wrote. I wanted to see what my ob ordered. I am wierd but I like to look at the timeline of things. From that horrible day, I want the pathology report. I also wanted to see what else was in it. So I asked for that last Tuesday. I still havn't gotten the bill in the mail yet. Hopefully next week I will get it. I'll go in and pay it really quick. In fact to save time, I am going to just go in and pay it. Cause I am wierd like that. Seriously medical records needs to stop acting like the gestapo with records. They are my records and I am entitled to a copy of EVERYTHING in that record. Yes, I will be a pain in the ass to get it too. Last time, I was pissed because I wrote everything generated and when I came to get them, all they gave me was the operative report. When I questioned them on it, they said oh we thought you would just want this. Ummm no, I wrote everything generated on it. I did not write I only wanted the operative report. So I am hoping I get everything.