32 weeks!

Yes, hit another milestone and baby is doing well. She has flunked every NST at the Peri's office. However, has passed the BPP with flying colors. Friday night we got slammed by that awful snow storm. Dh and I had an argument about the driveway being blown out. The car (Ford Explorer in 4 wheel drive) got stuck in the snow. SO I got mad and went and bought a new snowblower since I hated the other one so much. Only to fall in the snow 4 times trying to get through the driveway. Which earned me a trip to L&D for monitoring by my ob. Which then turned into the nurse giving me the riot act for being out on bedrest. Yeah, my ob forgot when he was talking to me on the phone. He sure as heck remembered by the time the nurse gave him test results. I was told that he said that I was NOT to be out of bed. That I was to go home, go to bed and put feet up. I was not allowed to get out except to pee. The nurse said and you KNOW you were supposed to be on bedrest. YIKES. Totall freaking busted. Which will make for an interesting situation when it turns January and dh goes back to work. Who will pick up the girls from school and daycare when he works late. So I think I may be seeing if the inlaws can pick Sara up from daycare for the the last few weeks.

Right now dh is pressuring me in attending his mother's Christmas Eve party. I told him there is never any place to sit. The only way I could go was if I went and sat in a recliner with my feet up. I don't want to intrude and put people out. My inlaws really really like their recliners. Not to mention if I got up to pee, someone would be inconsiderate and take it. Then mil would also give me grief over me playing it up. I think my ob is pretty clear on what I am supposed to do with the above instructions. I hate missing everything. Dh is being much better about the bedrest thing now. He sends me back to bed if I try to do anything. He has taken the downstairs apart and cleaned it. :). He told me if I went (for him), that I would not have to get up and that he would wait on me hand and foot (ok who stole my dh?). So trying to decide on what to do.

Miss Catie weighs 4lbs, 6ozs and is measuring right on!

So I have decided I am a freak.

Everytime I have an US, I hold my breath. Why? Because the things I took for granted before, I don't anymore. I don't think about WHEN I will bring a baby home but IF. I have literally lost count of how many USs I have had. Well over 10 by this point. When that wand is put on, the first thing I look for is movement and a heartbeat. Movement means there is still a heartbeat.

An odd thing happened on Friday that has bugged me ever since. The tech asked me if I wanted pictures. I said why? Why wouldn't a new mom want pictures of her baby? The tech said that some people that come in all the time (like me) get tired of it and say they have enough. All I could think was what if it was the last time I saw my baby alive. I guess it comes from having our loss at 13 weeks and getting no pictures even though we had three USs with him. I told her absolutely. Everytime, I want pictures. She said ok then.

I totally get paranoid to. Apparently, Miss Catie likes to practice her breathing alot. Which makes it very difficult for the tech to count her heartrate. It interferes or something. So the last three weeks, they have magnified her heart on the screen several times, zeroed in on it, etc. This time, I asked is there something wrong with her heart? The tech said no. She was just trying to get a heartrate and she was making it impossible with all of her breathing. She said she is excellent excellent excellent on US. You can't help that your heart just stops for a minute.

I still can't comprehend that we will be bringing a baby home next month. Nothing is ready. Yes, everything is bought. I just havn't had the heart to pack a hospital bag (though I should be bringing one to every appt just in case). Her dresser is not together. None of the clothes are washed. We have a tub of newborn clothes, but none of those are washed. The crib is up, but needs to be tightened and have the mattress raised. Her decorations are not up. The pack and play is not up and put together. Nothing is done. We have everything bought though.

Sometimes I think, we should have had a baby home already this Christmas. I should be preparing to go back to work after the new year, not going out of work. There is a lot of should haves. I often wonder why me? Why us? Why let us have him for so long only to snatch him away. I sometimes thought it was a blessing that we lost him at the brink of when we would have had to deliver. Then I think we lost so much more never seeing his face, hands, or anything. How could I have just agreed to the D&C like that knowing what would happen. I often think how Catie would not be coming if we hadn't of lost Peyton. It's funny. Sara said something the other day that totally freaked me out. She was talking about the new baby (Catie). She mentioned our other baby. She said specifically, the boy. We never found out his sex. We just felt like he was a boy and assumed it. Dh and I have never spoken about it outloud. Sara mentioned both babies. The one that we lost. She said that one was a boy. The one that didn't come home mommy. Now you have a girl. The new baby is a girl. We have never told her the sex of this baby. It's a surprise for our family and friends. She was absolutely sure. It totally gave me the chills. It totally gave dh the chills when I told him about it. I often think that people think we should forget about Peyton. How could we forget about him. For 13 weeks, he was alive, with a heartbeat, with a body and arms and legs and a face that we saw on US. Just because he never made it here, doesn't make it any less.

I have been debating on when to start on an antidepressant to ward off ppd. I think I am going to just tell my ob to prescribe something. I don't want to feel overwhelming sadness when Catie gets here. It's the holidays. I'm on bedrest. Well, I think it something that needs to be done. I hope he doesn't want to "talk" about it. I would rather not discuss it, but just let's just say, I need to be on something soon. I would rather he just go ahead and prescribe it and we'll be ok. I think if I tell him to prescribe it, he probably would. Just not Zoloft. UGGGH, that stuff makes you feel dead inside. You feel nothing on it. I have heard of similar experiences from other people.

So I must be the only one that freaks at an US if most parents don't want pictures of their new kids. That must make me the wierd one cause I want everything I can get.

30 Week Peri Appt

OMG am I really that far along? Ok I look it now totally. I can't believe how fast the time has flown. So for today's update. Had my 30 week peri appt. Did the us, bpp, nst, doppler blood flow study. Peri saw my bps and says they are bouncing. She agreed I needed to be taken off at work because I only get decent bps while laying down. Miss Catie (oh did I ever say we chose a name - Caitlyn Elise, Catie for short) does not like NST at all! She wouldn't stay on the monitor. She flunked. She aced the US. Maybe she is just a laid back baby or an athlete. I need a laidback kid. My other two are high strung. One very active preschooler and one over dramatic preteen. She was moving everywhere, fluid was good, good tone. So she passed the BPP. The nurse said they expect her to pass them in 2 weeks. So Catie, you have your marching orders.

They wanted to know if my ob was seeing me weekly yet to keep an eye on my bps. I said no. They asked me when I said I don't know. They see me weekly at the peri, but I guess they think he should too. I also am supposed to ask him if he wants an amnio done at 37 weeks. WHAT. No one said anything about that to me. I said probably not as a) I have never gotten that far b) he found it unnecessary because they needed to deliver now.

Oh and I gained 5 more lbs. Someone please explain how the baby gained 10 ozs and I gained 5lbs? The nurse said swelling. Blech.

Just when I thought she actually cares.... Hah, joke is on me.

Yep good ole mil. So I am on rest because of PTL and bp issues. Of course my mil finds a way to sucker me in. I have thought often about whether I wanted anyone to see me on mag. Trust me, not a very pretty sight. Imagine michelin man, covered in bruises, and hooked up to mag. ICK.

Well apparently, dh is doing too much, our house is a mess, and I am making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe I should just drag her ass to a peri appt where I am made to lay on my left side as soon as I get there for 20 mins so they can check my bp. Then go through all of the testing. Apparently, I LIKE this. I like getting poked and prodded in places I didn't even know existed. Apparently, I like having contractions that hurt like hell when I have been on my feet too long. I like worrying myself about whether this baby is growing. Will she make it to 35 weeks. Will we have a baby in the NICU? I have decided she is a pretty sick woman.

Since it is December, she is expecting me to do all of the family duties. Attend Christmas eve party, play, Christmas night party, breakfast with Santa etc.

You know what mil? SCREW YOU. I thought that you ACTUALLY cared. Silly me for getting suckered into that again. Go ahead and just keep dramatizing yourself to the point of being embarassed. She only uses it when it works for her, then the rest of the time I am being overdramatic. Sick sick sick sick sick.