32 weeks!

Yes, hit another milestone and baby is doing well. She has flunked every NST at the Peri's office. However, has passed the BPP with flying colors. Friday night we got slammed by that awful snow storm. Dh and I had an argument about the driveway being blown out. The car (Ford Explorer in 4 wheel drive) got stuck in the snow. SO I got mad and went and bought a new snowblower since I hated the other one so much. Only to fall in the snow 4 times trying to get through the driveway. Which earned me a trip to L&D for monitoring by my ob. Which then turned into the nurse giving me the riot act for being out on bedrest. Yeah, my ob forgot when he was talking to me on the phone. He sure as heck remembered by the time the nurse gave him test results. I was told that he said that I was NOT to be out of bed. That I was to go home, go to bed and put feet up. I was not allowed to get out except to pee. The nurse said and you KNOW you were supposed to be on bedrest. YIKES. Totall freaking busted. Which will make for an interesting situation when it turns January and dh goes back to work. Who will pick up the girls from school and daycare when he works late. So I think I may be seeing if the inlaws can pick Sara up from daycare for the the last few weeks.

Right now dh is pressuring me in attending his mother's Christmas Eve party. I told him there is never any place to sit. The only way I could go was if I went and sat in a recliner with my feet up. I don't want to intrude and put people out. My inlaws really really like their recliners. Not to mention if I got up to pee, someone would be inconsiderate and take it. Then mil would also give me grief over me playing it up. I think my ob is pretty clear on what I am supposed to do with the above instructions. I hate missing everything. Dh is being much better about the bedrest thing now. He sends me back to bed if I try to do anything. He has taken the downstairs apart and cleaned it. :). He told me if I went (for him), that I would not have to get up and that he would wait on me hand and foot (ok who stole my dh?). So trying to decide on what to do.

Miss Catie weighs 4lbs, 6ozs and is measuring right on!

So I have decided I am a freak.

Everytime I have an US, I hold my breath. Why? Because the things I took for granted before, I don't anymore. I don't think about WHEN I will bring a baby home but IF. I have literally lost count of how many USs I have had. Well over 10 by this point. When that wand is put on, the first thing I look for is movement and a heartbeat. Movement means there is still a heartbeat.

An odd thing happened on Friday that has bugged me ever since. The tech asked me if I wanted pictures. I said why? Why wouldn't a new mom want pictures of her baby? The tech said that some people that come in all the time (like me) get tired of it and say they have enough. All I could think was what if it was the last time I saw my baby alive. I guess it comes from having our loss at 13 weeks and getting no pictures even though we had three USs with him. I told her absolutely. Everytime, I want pictures. She said ok then.

I totally get paranoid to. Apparently, Miss Catie likes to practice her breathing alot. Which makes it very difficult for the tech to count her heartrate. It interferes or something. So the last three weeks, they have magnified her heart on the screen several times, zeroed in on it, etc. This time, I asked is there something wrong with her heart? The tech said no. She was just trying to get a heartrate and she was making it impossible with all of her breathing. She said she is excellent excellent excellent on US. You can't help that your heart just stops for a minute.

I still can't comprehend that we will be bringing a baby home next month. Nothing is ready. Yes, everything is bought. I just havn't had the heart to pack a hospital bag (though I should be bringing one to every appt just in case). Her dresser is not together. None of the clothes are washed. We have a tub of newborn clothes, but none of those are washed. The crib is up, but needs to be tightened and have the mattress raised. Her decorations are not up. The pack and play is not up and put together. Nothing is done. We have everything bought though.

Sometimes I think, we should have had a baby home already this Christmas. I should be preparing to go back to work after the new year, not going out of work. There is a lot of should haves. I often wonder why me? Why us? Why let us have him for so long only to snatch him away. I sometimes thought it was a blessing that we lost him at the brink of when we would have had to deliver. Then I think we lost so much more never seeing his face, hands, or anything. How could I have just agreed to the D&C like that knowing what would happen. I often think how Catie would not be coming if we hadn't of lost Peyton. It's funny. Sara said something the other day that totally freaked me out. She was talking about the new baby (Catie). She mentioned our other baby. She said specifically, the boy. We never found out his sex. We just felt like he was a boy and assumed it. Dh and I have never spoken about it outloud. Sara mentioned both babies. The one that we lost. She said that one was a boy. The one that didn't come home mommy. Now you have a girl. The new baby is a girl. We have never told her the sex of this baby. It's a surprise for our family and friends. She was absolutely sure. It totally gave me the chills. It totally gave dh the chills when I told him about it. I often think that people think we should forget about Peyton. How could we forget about him. For 13 weeks, he was alive, with a heartbeat, with a body and arms and legs and a face that we saw on US. Just because he never made it here, doesn't make it any less.

I have been debating on when to start on an antidepressant to ward off ppd. I think I am going to just tell my ob to prescribe something. I don't want to feel overwhelming sadness when Catie gets here. It's the holidays. I'm on bedrest. Well, I think it something that needs to be done. I hope he doesn't want to "talk" about it. I would rather not discuss it, but just let's just say, I need to be on something soon. I would rather he just go ahead and prescribe it and we'll be ok. I think if I tell him to prescribe it, he probably would. Just not Zoloft. UGGGH, that stuff makes you feel dead inside. You feel nothing on it. I have heard of similar experiences from other people.

So I must be the only one that freaks at an US if most parents don't want pictures of their new kids. That must make me the wierd one cause I want everything I can get.

30 Week Peri Appt

OMG am I really that far along? Ok I look it now totally. I can't believe how fast the time has flown. So for today's update. Had my 30 week peri appt. Did the us, bpp, nst, doppler blood flow study. Peri saw my bps and says they are bouncing. She agreed I needed to be taken off at work because I only get decent bps while laying down. Miss Catie (oh did I ever say we chose a name - Caitlyn Elise, Catie for short) does not like NST at all! She wouldn't stay on the monitor. She flunked. She aced the US. Maybe she is just a laid back baby or an athlete. I need a laidback kid. My other two are high strung. One very active preschooler and one over dramatic preteen. She was moving everywhere, fluid was good, good tone. So she passed the BPP. The nurse said they expect her to pass them in 2 weeks. So Catie, you have your marching orders.

They wanted to know if my ob was seeing me weekly yet to keep an eye on my bps. I said no. They asked me when I said I don't know. They see me weekly at the peri, but I guess they think he should too. I also am supposed to ask him if he wants an amnio done at 37 weeks. WHAT. No one said anything about that to me. I said probably not as a) I have never gotten that far b) he found it unnecessary because they needed to deliver now.

Oh and I gained 5 more lbs. Someone please explain how the baby gained 10 ozs and I gained 5lbs? The nurse said swelling. Blech.

Just when I thought she actually cares.... Hah, joke is on me.

Yep good ole mil. So I am on rest because of PTL and bp issues. Of course my mil finds a way to sucker me in. I have thought often about whether I wanted anyone to see me on mag. Trust me, not a very pretty sight. Imagine michelin man, covered in bruises, and hooked up to mag. ICK.

Well apparently, dh is doing too much, our house is a mess, and I am making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe I should just drag her ass to a peri appt where I am made to lay on my left side as soon as I get there for 20 mins so they can check my bp. Then go through all of the testing. Apparently, I LIKE this. I like getting poked and prodded in places I didn't even know existed. Apparently, I like having contractions that hurt like hell when I have been on my feet too long. I like worrying myself about whether this baby is growing. Will she make it to 35 weeks. Will we have a baby in the NICU? I have decided she is a pretty sick woman.

Since it is December, she is expecting me to do all of the family duties. Attend Christmas eve party, play, Christmas night party, breakfast with Santa etc.

You know what mil? SCREW YOU. I thought that you ACTUALLY cared. Silly me for getting suckered into that again. Go ahead and just keep dramatizing yourself to the point of being embarassed. She only uses it when it works for her, then the rest of the time I am being overdramatic. Sick sick sick sick sick.

What on earth was I thinking?

What on earth was I thinking that bedrest could be a vacation. Yeah it sounded good for about a week. Now I am sick of it. There is NOTHING on tv to watch. Hardly anything to watch on Netflix because I have already rented everything that is new and watched it. Note - if your dh says that this is a great movie, ignore him. His suggestions have been stupid movies. Tropic Thunder should be up for millions of razzies as should be Happenings. I have watched how to rehab a cruise ship in a week. That was actually interesting. Tornado chasers =very stupid people who have a death wish. Jim Jones masacre. Hmmmm, happened before I was even born. Interesting. Hulk Hogan's E story. My days and nights are all mixed up. I stay up at night and sleep during the day.

So I had my ob and peri appt this past week. I see the peri every week now. Still on a every 2 weeks with my ob. Last week I was desparately ill with some wierd funky stomach flu virus that lasted a week. I was the ONLY one to get it in my family. Constant puking even sips of water. After 3 hours of this, I called my ob because I had to keep fluids down because of the stone and BH contractions. Well the nurse was giving me a hard time. For the first time ever, I really put it to my ob because I got pissed. When I first called, she said he was at the hospital and would talk to him when he came back. He comes back and orders Reglan. HELLO, I was already doing that (doubled the dose actually) and I couldn't even keep down water. So she goes and talks to him again and I request zofran. She comes back and says he will only order reglan as everything else was constrained in pregnancy. REALLY, this is news to me. I explain to her every which way that I am already doing that. In retrospect, I should have just sucked it up and gone to the ER instead of dealing with it. Anyway, she talks to him again. He says not much more to do. Drink fluids (which I couldn't keep down) and take reglan. Then she offers me a suppository. Fine and throw in a urine culture in it. Had to fight to get a urine culture. Can someone explain to me how zofran was now constrained?

Thought maybe it might be a kidney infection. So go do the urine culture. No rx at the lab. Lab calls her and she had faxed to the wrong lab. Have it now faxed to the right lab. Not sure how that happened as there are only TWO labs in town. One being the hospital. Go to the pharmacy. They know me there from when I was pregnant with Sara and on so much zofran. I must have looked bad. They had me sit down and told me if I had to puke, let them know. No rx for the suppository. The pharmacy calls the dr's office and she tells them I refused all meds. WTF. All meds? No, I refused reglan which was what I was already taking and was not working. So she gets my ob to give me the rx for compazine. Fastest rx ever filled.

Go home and take it. Finally after puking from 530am on, I stopped at 3pm. I still stayed sick from Thursday to Wednesday of the next week. Had an ob appt and the same nurse that I was on the phone with said I looked awful. Really, only been puking and nauseated for days now. She said my color looked off and really bad. Ugh. See my ob. He is not happy and I am not happy. So I ask him how come it was ok for THIS office to order 40 zofran a month when I was pregnant with Sara but now I can't take it? Also had it by iv several times this pregnancy with kidney infections. He squirmed for a bit. Then he said he that it needed preauthorization. Umm wrong again. I am allowed 10 zofran a month without authorization. Frankly, I would have paid out of pocket for the generic one. Which I found out was CHEAPER than compazine. He said with Sara he remembered it was a pain to get insurance authorization for it. Yeah but you have my records and it should be easy to copy the same thing for it. So we agreed he would start the authorization process for me. :)

He told me he really thought this was a virus and that I needed to push as many fluids as possible. I asked to get an iv so I could get the fluids. Again pesky insurance. He said insurance wouldn't pay for it as my labs from FIVE days before were ok. I think since it was Tuesday, he just wanted to be able to go home early. He did write another order and rxs for compazine and reglan. He gave advice on what to advoid to quit throwing up. He was right, it was a nasty virus. It was still miserable just the same.

As far as my peri appt, baby girls is in the 67th percentile for growth. She is huge!!! He tells me she is not huge, but good sized which is good. To me, she is huge and I am glad! They did a transvaginal US at the peri's because of all my contractions. I am not sure what is going on. When she measured my cervix, the tech acted all concerned. She wouldn't tell me anything. She said I would have to talk with my peri. Usually, they are happy to tell me everything is great. She didn't do that. The tech was also pissed I hadn't been checked yet. Apparently, nurses at my hospital are no longer allowed to do that anymore. My peri just said everything was ok for now. They didn't know what I started out with, so they were not sure. I remember the measurement as 2.04cms for the cervix. Well I went and looked that up and it shouldn't be less than 2.5cms! She did say I am on rest. I was not to be on my feet. She explained what that meant to dh. She gave us some ideas to help out at home. They told me to watch especially for extra discharge, extra mucous, any leaking or anything and it needs to be reported asap. So I guess I have some cervical changes going on. I plan to find out more on Friday when I go back. I mentioned the TV US to my ob. He asked what my peri said about it. I told him she said it was ok for now. He seemed to know I had a TV US done (maybe it was in the report). He said ok kind of relieved like. That was it. See ya in 2 weeks.

So the next day another peri appt for a NST. Baby was non reactive on the NST although she was moving tons. The nurse said that happens at this age. 50% are non reactive and that I will be scanned every week. Umm ok. From what I read, non reactive NST are 50% up to 28 weeks. Then 28-32 weeks, 15% are non reactive. After 32 weeks, it is delivery time for a non reactive NST. Fabulous. So I had a BPP done. She scored 8/10. She lost 2 points because of the NST. See ya in a week.

So next peri appt is next Friday and it will be a long appt because I have all the stuff done at this one. I have decided when I see my ob on the 9th that I am asking him to take me out of work completely. I am very fortunate and grateful to be able to work from home the last 2 months. However, it is getting harder to control my bp and I have to lay on my left side to do it. I also have a lot of swelling going on. Still have some nausea. TONS of heartburn. Besides I have decided I am about sick of new boss.

I have been relegated to intern status. I am used to running my own projects. I have him interfering on every single project, micromanaging every single thing I do. He is inexperienced and does not know what he is doing. We have an entire office full of people and from what I understand, they are all sitting on their asses sleeping because he does not have enough experience to train them. He seriously has a GS 5 admin tech training people many grades above her. On what I have no idea. He thinks I am going to start all these contracts in the next couple of weeks for them to follow. I did feel sorry for him at first. When he continually asks my advice and then says that's nice and does something opposite. Well figure it out. I heard that one of my coworkers that is at another agency is trying to get a job in Maine and has interviewed for it. If she gets it, I am applying for her job. There is nothing keeping me here now. My new boss asked if I were coming back. Umm for now. Are you actively seeking a job (for me to know and for him not to find out), no. If I happen to see something, I will not let it pass me by. Guess that is honest enough. Things have just swung too far in the other direction. I have a real problem when I see something that is not correct, standing by and watching it happen. I think it is time to part ways. I won't do it till I have another job lined up. I also told new boss, I will not be back till the middle of May. Good thing the union allows us to stay out for a year! I guess in some ways, God works in mysterious ways. So I am thinking I am going out on 12 December. I will not be available by phone or email.

So I snuck out Thanksgiving day and went to Kmart. What joy it was to go to a store!!! I knew that I could get in and out. We wanted a WII. I got it with several board games, wii games, ect. I was home in an hour. I paid for it with contractions for the rest of the day!!! BAD GIRL. I have been good since then.

Oh and why is my peri's new office located right next to a MALL. So not fair.

I stayed up on Thanksgiving night. I ordered a new nintendo ds with games for me and dh to share. HOORAY. Got it on Amazon with free shipping. Amazon rocked it this year. I also have a bike/jogging stroller coming for 50% off and free shipping and bunches of other things.

DH has now taken over most things. He goes grocery shopping with lists that I make. This time only one call. He buys the girls shoes. He is helping with Kirsten's school projects. He is being Mr. Mom. All he wants is a thank you once in a while.

So that's my update. On rest as much as possible and completely off my feet for now for bp issues and preterm labor. Pray she stays in for another 7 weeks please till 36 weeks. Can't deliver at my hospital unless she is 35 weeks.

More problems

So since yesterday, I have a headache. I have been taking tylenol around the clock. Like drinking water. Nada. Trace protein yesterday, 1+ this morning. 1+ this afteroon. Then 1+ tonight with 1+ leukocytes and trace blood. Called my ob's office at 3 pm because I felt awful. I felt like I had the flu. My head was pounding. My bp was up. I was nauseated. I had the nose bleed from hell last night. I noticed it bleeding last night. Then I sneezed. Blood went EVERYWHERE. Freaked me out and so much for my shirt. I was more worried about the couch! Luckily all on the shirt and the napkin that I grabbed (which was soaked). It lasted for 40 mins. Twice when I took the pressure off of it because it was backing up, clots came out. It finally stopped after 40 mins. So I called the dr's office this afternoon after still not feeling better. He wasn't in so they had to call him. He ordered me back to bed and Tylenol 3. Dh was gone on a day trip today. So I had to get the girls from school ( all of this with a pounding crushing headache). I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up the rx. Then when I left to go get Sara from the pharmacy, guess who pulls behind me. Yep my ob. Great, busted as I was supposed to be in bed, but I had no one to pick up the girls. Go to daycare where I turn off. Go get Sara. Drop off at inlaws where dh is already there. Go home take meds, go to bed. Only I can't sleep because I slept for 4 hours today. So I am now laying on the couch. Typing this laying down. I have my laptop on the ottoman in case you are wondering.

Also tonight I noticed I had leukocytes and blood in my urine. So I called my urologist's office. So now I am wondering if I have an infection and that is why I feel like crap. They call in the urinalysis to the lab. However, any meds will be ordered by my ob. Which is NOT what they told me. The plan was that if I thought I had one they would call in a rx for antibiotics to the pharmacy and have me do a urinalysis for culture. If the culture came back negative they would stop antibiotics. If they came back positive, then I was good. So that is pretty frustrating. I'm going to test in the morning and see if the strip is coming up.

My head feels better now. It is not completely gone.

26 Week 6 Day OB Appt

Ok, I am so miserable from the heartburn and rib pain. My poor ob, he just heard me whine about how miserable I am. My bps suck. I am hitting 90s/100 on the bottom. However, he wants me to watch it for another week and call if they don't drop. He'll add in procardia, which neither of us wants. Although procardia will help with the BH. He gave me scripts for heartburn medicine and for the rib pain (Tylenol 3). He didn't have the Er report. So he had a nurse pulling it because he wanted to review my labs and US. He asked what they checked for. I told him blood clots in the lung, gallbladder, and liver. I told him they gave me nothing but a discharge for 650mg of Tylenol. I told him I had taken the leftover Tylenol 3 for the rib pain Saturday night and last night. Tylenol in between. He said that was ok. He said probably gave you some sleep. As for the BH, he is a little worried about those. I didn't get checked (I didn't want to anyway, hate getting naked). He just looked at my log. I am to call if they are in a pattern (which they went into this week) and then if they last longer than 2 hours. If they last longer than 2 hours, then I need to get checked. Drink lots of water and rest rest rest rest rest. I am not on strict bedrest, but he wants me resting as much as possible for bp and the bh. I was telling you know I don't know too much about these, I was induced both times. I don't know what to do with these. Sometimes these stop me in my tracks. This is miserable. He agreed they are miserable. I am to call if they change, get closer together, are in a pattern or last longer than 2 hours. ugggh, I had them off and on all day yesterday. With her being breech, he said we don't really worry about that till 34 weeks. I told him I was convinced that she is staying that way. SHE NEVER MOVES OUT OF MY RIBS. Told him she freaked out the US Tech because her head was by my gallbladder. He said most of them do go head down by 34 weeks. I start my weekly peri appts next week and he was like oh good. Oh and then he asked me about the GTT. I said oh no, you had me do a 3 hour which I was NOT happy about it. I am NOT doing that again. He checked he said that was just 2 weeks ago. He said I did beautifully for it. I asked him if I had to do that again. He said nope. Once you pass it, you pass it. So I was supposed to go back in 2 weeks, however, the office is closed on Thursday (Thanksgiving) and Friday. I guess he is not seeing patients and taking a vacation on the Tuesday before because the receptionist said that he wasn't in that day (the other day he is in the office). So I see him next on 12/2 at 29 1/2 weeks. I guess that works because I see the peri on Fridays and my ob on Tuesdays now. He hadn't checked my report yet when he wrote out the rxs. So he is going to have a look at it later and if he thinks something is off, he will call. I'm bummed about being on even more rest. That just sucks. Dh isn't being very helpful lately as he thinks I am being lazy and says it must be nice.