9 DPO

Well another person on my June board is pregnant. Her story was interesting. Her dh was hospitalized and she was Oing. First month of trying and one 5 minute tryst in the hospital and 2 weeks later a positive test. If it could only be that easy for me. A girlfriend of mine emailed me this morning and said my chart looked awesome and possibly triphasic. I terrified of getting my hopes up. I think I have symptoms, but heck when don't I think I have symptoms. I did test this morning with an early internet test. BFN.

Exhausted

OMG I am so tired. I was a lazy mazy yesterday and pretty much spent the whole day on the couch. I wasn't sick or anything, just tired. Same thing today. It's that bone tired exhaustion you get when pregnant. It's happening at the same DPO as it did with Peyton. I also "think" my boobs are feeling fuller and sore. I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up. However, it seems like everyone I know is getting pregnant. FOUR girls in my group on the loss board have gotten BFPs since Friday! Another girl that lost her babies the same day as me, yep, she is pregnant too! SO it only seems fair that my time is coming right? Did I mention that when I went to buy OPKS and pregnancy tests, they were out of stock of first response hpts and Answer OPKs strips. Is EVERYONE in town trying to get pregnant right now???

We lived in Belgium for almost three years and there is a legend there. There are brass monkey statues all over the city of Mons where we lived. The legend is that if you rub the monkey's head and make a wish, you will get pregnant. All I can say is that I rubbed the monkey's head with Kirsten and Sara and it worked and they stuck. I did not rub the monkey's head with Peyton and he didn't stick. I know of a woman that had been going through infertility for 10 years. She rubbed the monkey's head and boom she was pregnant a month later. She went on to deliver a healthy baby girl. She was there miracle baby. So when we left Belgium, dh's unit gave him a monkey on a plaque. I have been rubbing that monkey's head ever since I remembered the legend last week. I know how sad, but every bit works right.

I also disregarded the aspirin theory in recurrent miscarriage. Turns out that in the big IVF clinics, they don't even use it anymore. In a study they did, 41% without aspirin got pregnant. 29% with aspirin got pregnant. That 11% was a big enough difference to stop taking it. I will go back to taking it again at 6 weeks like I did with Sara.

So cross all your crossables for me!

Memorial Day weekend

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!! Thank you to all of our soldiers and vets out there. Dh is a vet too! This weekend has been busy! Today I am 4dpo. I am not feeling a thing.... Hmmm. Too early. I am wide awake and have been since 5am. That is unusual for me. I want to go weedeat the yard really quick, but my neighbors may kill me if I do. We went to the local themepark yesterday to get our season passes. An hour long wait. Can you believe that?? Well we intend to make great use out of them! It also has a waterpark attached to it. Kirsten talked me into spending a couple of hours there. So I rented a wagon for Sara and off we went to ride rides. Kirsten wanted to ride all of the roller coasters and be flung upside down. Ummm thanks, but no thanks. I prefer to keep my feet firmly on the ground.

So Sara and I sat on a bench and watched her. Sara was thrilled with rollercoasters and made her desires known that she wanted to go on them too. So we let her get on the little kids rides which she loved! When Kirsten was on the rollercoasters, Sara would scream, I save you Kirsten!!! She was afraid Kirsten would fall. Awww, sisterly love!

Yesterday was a big day on the loss board I visit. 4 BFPs. Gee I hope they don't take all the quota! I am excited for them. I just hope I get to join that little club soon! It makes me sad that I am not there yet. I can't believe it's been three months and I am not pregnant yet. Well I was but miscarried AGAIN because it was too soon. I know we will get there, but I want it now and shouldn't have to wait. Unfortunately, God has other plans for me.

One thought crossed my mind that the summers are always swamped with babies (teachers planning summer babies). Maybe God wanted to take a little time so that in the dead of February, my ob would have all the time in the world to manage a complicated case like mine. In addition, not to mention I won't have to deal with a brand new intern first day on the job in July. So ok, let's get on with it...

When I went to the store a couple of weeks ago, they were out of O tests?? Can you beleive that? Does that mean that there are a lot of women ttc right now in town??? I mean not one store. EVERY store is either out of pregnancy tests or O tests. What the heck is up with that??? I had to hit a Rite Aid pharmacy cause the grocery store was out, Walmart was out, and Kmart was out... Makes you wonder. If I get a positive this month, I'll be asking my ob if there was a rush on new pregnancies this month. He'll get a kick out of that...

One wierd symptom for me - nosebleeds. Guess what happened this morning.... Yep had a nosebleed. I am putting it to the dryness of the summer air. Ok, I know I am telling myself that.

2 DPO

Well I definitely O'd this time. My temps are on the way up. Especially if you throw out the one from O day where I was running a fever at 5am on tylenol. Not sure where my coverline will be. I am really hoping this month will be it. I secretly hope it is. Dh who has been wishy washy about trying again after having such a devestating loss is totally on board this month. He even said afterwards, there you are now impregnated. When he said it before, I really was. It seemed like even though O fell on a Thursday, God made things happen so we can get the time to dtd in. As sad as it sounds, if I hadn't of gotten Strep, I would not have been home on Thursday when DH got home. So we got a bd in on late Tuesday night (2 days before O), day of O (DH raced back from KY for it), and the morning after O ( I would have been at work but was home due to still being contagious). I was able to lay still for an hour afterwards each time. So keep your fingers crossed. We REALLY need this. By the time, I go back to work, I'll already be 5 DPO. How exciting. By the time the following weekend is done, 11 DPO. I have 50 early internet HPTs that measure at 10mIU/ML. So hopefully it will WORK this time. The O that I thought I had on 5/2 was a major fakeout. My temps did not rise and I got frustrated and quit temping.

DH has planned our entire weekend out already... Tonight we are going to a coworkers house. I made brownies. Of course, the girls TOTALLY protested, so I had to make a second batch... Kirsten has a birthday party to attend to tonight. Then they are going to grandmas cause we don't know when we will be back.

Today is a BEAUTIFUL day outside. Simply gorgeous. Gives me hope for a better day....

Tomorrow, DH wants to go to the drive in to see some movies. It's about an hour away, however, it is fun. We get a pizza. Bring drinks and snacks. The girls sleep in the back of the explorer when they fall asleep. We also have a bbq to go to as well. I have a feeling we may be picking up some extra riders for the drive in. I finally got the bullentin board and marker boards back up to keep track of appts. They kept falling off the wall. It's the one thing dh does NOT touch.

Then Monday, I am sleeping. I feel like I have been on vacation all week. Since I was quarantined because of the strep, I did some work from home instead.

So keep your fingers crossed and hopefully in 10-12 days we get the answer we are looking for....

Oh and I have NO idea what to tell my dr so he can date everything. Guess he'll have to send me for a US, which he was going to do regardless. Technically, there has been no period since the middle of April. I am not in the least bit upset about that. It's his job to figure those things out for me. Since it has been such a crazy and wild ride, I had to write all that stuff down for him. I'm just hoping to get back in that club again..... It's not a nice feeling looking in from the outside.

kAn Update of Sorts...

Well I think I know where AF is. No, I am not pregnant as much as I would LOVE to be. However, I discovered that I was ovulating today. Since AF was nowhere to be found and since April, I have been testing with hpts and opks. All negative except for a surge that happened 5/1. I think what I thought was ovulation was actually my body gearing up to O and not following through. My temps stayed flat for three days afterwards. I got frustrated and quit temping.

I kept noticing a lot of eggwhite cm this week. I was quite confused when my temps took a nosedive two days ago. Since I am a pee on a stick aholic, I noticed a surge starting 2 days ago on the opk. Sure enough, I got a positive yesterday morning. So DH and I dtd Tuesday night. Then he went out of town at 1am yesterday morning. My positive was at 5am. So I called him and told him to hurry his butt home today. Well I guess God had plans for us. Cause I promptly came down with a raging case of Strep Throat!!! So I ended up coming home early to see the PA at my pcp's office. As a side note, Dr. L had a healthy baby boy on 5/24. He weighed 6lbs 7ozs and had a HEAD FULL OF BLOND HAIR. My doc and her dh have very dark hair, so THAT is interesting. Anyway. Saw the PA and my left tonsil is enormously swollen and covered in pus. Lovely. My rapid strep test came back positive immediately. I didn't have symptoms until Tuesday night!!! I started running a fever Tuesday night. Even with Tylenol every 4 hours for pain and fever, I was still running a fever. The PA faxed my rx to the pharmacy. As a funny note, the nurse asked me how the TTC thing was going right now. I told her well we lost the last one at 5 weeks last month. However, I am Oing TODAY. So when she came back in the exam room to say that I definitely had strep (this was after she nearly gagged me to death), she said no kissing the dh today and tonight. I told her I didn't need to kiss dh to make a baby. The poor PA was like WHAT?? Apparently, the girls havn't indoctrinated her yet in our crassness. LMAO. So, I went home to sleep for a few hours.

The PA wanted to give me something for pain. However, motrin is out due to trying to get preggo. She was going to prescribe Tylenol 3. However, I told her I had the l.o.r.t.a.b. script at home already and that was approved as a painkiller by my ob. She said to take that instead cause it had the tylenol component. I was surprised that she wanted to prescribe something that strong. Too bad about the motrin cause I broke down to take it this morning and it worked FABULOUSLY.

Guess who was home when I got home?? DH was. So we dtd and hopefully caught an eggie. He raced home 10 hours just so we could catch the egg. How sweet. He was doing it more for me this time with ttc. However, now he is completely on board with it.... YEAH...

So we will probably dtd tomorrow morning and night just to cover our bases. FF has thrown out today's temp due to fever. So I have no idea what my cover is. I am guessing 97.77 because that is the average of the 3 temps plus .01. It was 97.75 in March. So keep your fingers crossed and say a little prayer for us. Oh and I think I released the egg around 330 or 4. I had a horrible pain on the right side reminiscent of O pain. It lasted for a few minutes then was gone.

I am hoping that being sick my immune system is lower and will easily allow that eggie to be caught. I just realized with Kirsten, Sara , and Peyton I was sick each time they were conceived. With Kirsten, it was strep. With Sara, it was bronchitis. With Peyton, a severe sinus infection. So maybe that's just what we need. A lower immune system.

And last, please keep a girl from my June Babies board in your prayers. She found out yesterday that she lost her baby. She was 15 weeks 4 days and the baby measured 13 weeks 4 days. She is going through with a D&C tomorrow. I have tried to help her as going through it myself and hope I have been able to help her. She is understandably devestated. I hate seeing someone else go through what I went through.

Here's a poem someone posted on my loss board that I just love:

A Different Child Poem by Pandora MacMillian
People notice
There’s a special glow around you.
You grow Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father’s eyes.
And if sometimes Between the smiles
There’s a trace of tears,
One day You’ll understand.
You’ll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother’s tears
Another father’s silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
“I know how you feel.
I’m only here
Because my mother tried again.”

Still no answers....

Still no af and still no BFP as of this morning. I am 15 or 16DPO.

Totally and Utterly Frustrated

and ready to cry. Let me preface this by saying it is not my intent to hurt anyone's feelings. I KNOW I have a lot to be grateful for. I have 2 living children that are absolutely beautiful and I know that. I am so frustrated. I am one of those people that have a type A personality. If I am intent on getting something, I usually do. I can always figure out a way to make it happen or do what I need to do to get it. I don't really know what it is like to fail at something, till now. I hate it. This is something that I can not control and have to learn patience with. This is not something I can force to happen as much as I want to. This is something that will take time. I don't like it at all. All I want is one more child. The one more child to make our family complete. I already have enough problems with pregnancy at the end due to blood pressure and preeclampsia. Those that don't know my story, I almost died with my first daughter. She was fine, but I became very ill and was in the MICU on L&D with her. Most women go in and have a baby. I didn't. I became very ill to the point my kidneys were starting to fail, my liver was about to explode, and my blood was not clotting. I spent 4 days on L&D with a nurse at my beside making sure I didn't seize or stroke out or both. Both of us came out of it fine, but the experience had me freaked about ever being pregnant again. It took over 5 years to get the courage up for Sara.

With Sara, I spent most of the pregnancy in bed. I missed major milestones with Kirsten. Her first soccer goal... I missed most of the summer because even after an emergency induction with Sara for severe pregnancy induced hypertension and fetal decels, I was on bedrest afterwards as well. I was on bedrest afterwards for the PIH, and complications from delivery to include clotting, severe uterine infection, ecoli, and retained parts, etc. Had an emergency d&c and recovered slowly. On top of that I have endometriosis and adnenomyosis (endo in the uerine wall). Which leaves every period as h*ll on earth. After consulting with an endo specialist last year, my choices were: Lupron - not going to do as it puts you in temporary menopause and has bad long lasting effects, another lap if not pregnant by 6 mos, hysterectomy, conception. Since we wanted another child, we chose to persue conception. Got pregnant immediately with Peyton, whom we lost at 13 1/2 weeks. Following that loss I had clotting issues again and bad complications from the d&c.

I have always gotten pregnant very quickly. Kirsten was a first try, Sara was a second try, Peyton was a first try, the chemical pregnancy was a first try. So I guess this upcoming round will be the second try. I know there are many women on here that have it much worse. I just need a whine day. I know absolutely that we want another child. It's not enough that I have to worry about dying. It may seem dramatic but it is true. I do have excellent drs that will take no chances. If I didn't have that team, I would not even be trying. I have an awesome perinatologist, obgyn, and pcp. The preeclampsia can be managed by serial bloodwork, USs, 24 hour urine tests, bpps, NSTs. I have a plan mapped out for that with my drs. I fully intend to comply with bedrest at 26 weeks (which is when they think I will be out completely). My ob has promised me serial blood draws, early USs, told me I can come to the office for heartbeat checks whenever I feel the need for them.

I live 45 mins between 2 regional children hospitals with high level NICUs.Why this and why me? Havn't I paid enough? Why not the drug addicts and the ones that don't give a d**n about their kids??I try to think that there is a bigger plan out there for me. I realized that with another month that goes by that is more leave for me to be out on if it is needed. I planned on 3 mos off after baby is born. Right now I can have 6-10 weeks off on full paid leave before baby is born (depending on when I would deliver 36-40 weeks). I try to think maybe God is teaching me patience. I just wish I didn't have to learn all these lessons and it could be easy.

I had it all planned. Everything was falling into place. I was pregnant. I had gotten approved for work at home due to my pregnancy complications. I was offered a job three times and turned it down. A better job with more pay. I turned it down because of pregnancy. I was worried about additional stress. They even told me they would wait for me. They arranged to have another announcement go out in April. I was to apply again. They were going to stretch out the times so that I could be hired at the end of July and start in November. However, I lost the baby. That job while it was advertised, well I didn't apply for it. Now that is all gone too. I do have a good chance for a job in my current agency. There are two promotions coming open in my office that I will be applying for. So I am keeping my fingers crossed for that. I just don't understand why it has to be so hard. I just want one more child for our family to be complete. I want to have a healthy and happy pregnancy. Then when that baby is out, I am scheduling the hysterectomy. That's all I want. It's very simple. How come it is not coming out that way?