9 DPO

Well another person on my June board is pregnant. Her story was interesting. Her dh was hospitalized and she was Oing. First month of trying and one 5 minute tryst in the hospital and 2 weeks later a positive test. If it could only be that easy for me. A girlfriend of mine emailed me this morning and said my chart looked awesome and possibly triphasic. I terrified of getting my hopes up. I think I have symptoms, but heck when don't I think I have symptoms. I did test this morning with an early internet test. BFN.

Exhausted

OMG I am so tired. I was a lazy mazy yesterday and pretty much spent the whole day on the couch. I wasn't sick or anything, just tired. Same thing today. It's that bone tired exhaustion you get when pregnant. It's happening at the same DPO as it did with Peyton. I also "think" my boobs are feeling fuller and sore. I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up. However, it seems like everyone I know is getting pregnant. FOUR girls in my group on the loss board have gotten BFPs since Friday! Another girl that lost her babies the same day as me, yep, she is pregnant too! SO it only seems fair that my time is coming right? Did I mention that when I went to buy OPKS and pregnancy tests, they were out of stock of first response hpts and Answer OPKs strips. Is EVERYONE in town trying to get pregnant right now???

We lived in Belgium for almost three years and there is a legend there. There are brass monkey statues all over the city of Mons where we lived. The legend is that if you rub the monkey's head and make a wish, you will get pregnant. All I can say is that I rubbed the monkey's head with Kirsten and Sara and it worked and they stuck. I did not rub the monkey's head with Peyton and he didn't stick. I know of a woman that had been going through infertility for 10 years. She rubbed the monkey's head and boom she was pregnant a month later. She went on to deliver a healthy baby girl. She was there miracle baby. So when we left Belgium, dh's unit gave him a monkey on a plaque. I have been rubbing that monkey's head ever since I remembered the legend last week. I know how sad, but every bit works right.

I also disregarded the aspirin theory in recurrent miscarriage. Turns out that in the big IVF clinics, they don't even use it anymore. In a study they did, 41% without aspirin got pregnant. 29% with aspirin got pregnant. That 11% was a big enough difference to stop taking it. I will go back to taking it again at 6 weeks like I did with Sara.

So cross all your crossables for me!

Memorial Day weekend

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!! Thank you to all of our soldiers and vets out there. Dh is a vet too! This weekend has been busy! Today I am 4dpo. I am not feeling a thing.... Hmmm. Too early. I am wide awake and have been since 5am. That is unusual for me. I want to go weedeat the yard really quick, but my neighbors may kill me if I do. We went to the local themepark yesterday to get our season passes. An hour long wait. Can you believe that?? Well we intend to make great use out of them! It also has a waterpark attached to it. Kirsten talked me into spending a couple of hours there. So I rented a wagon for Sara and off we went to ride rides. Kirsten wanted to ride all of the roller coasters and be flung upside down. Ummm thanks, but no thanks. I prefer to keep my feet firmly on the ground.

So Sara and I sat on a bench and watched her. Sara was thrilled with rollercoasters and made her desires known that she wanted to go on them too. So we let her get on the little kids rides which she loved! When Kirsten was on the rollercoasters, Sara would scream, I save you Kirsten!!! She was afraid Kirsten would fall. Awww, sisterly love!

Yesterday was a big day on the loss board I visit. 4 BFPs. Gee I hope they don't take all the quota! I am excited for them. I just hope I get to join that little club soon! It makes me sad that I am not there yet. I can't believe it's been three months and I am not pregnant yet. Well I was but miscarried AGAIN because it was too soon. I know we will get there, but I want it now and shouldn't have to wait. Unfortunately, God has other plans for me.

One thought crossed my mind that the summers are always swamped with babies (teachers planning summer babies). Maybe God wanted to take a little time so that in the dead of February, my ob would have all the time in the world to manage a complicated case like mine. In addition, not to mention I won't have to deal with a brand new intern first day on the job in July. So ok, let's get on with it...

When I went to the store a couple of weeks ago, they were out of O tests?? Can you beleive that? Does that mean that there are a lot of women ttc right now in town??? I mean not one store. EVERY store is either out of pregnancy tests or O tests. What the heck is up with that??? I had to hit a Rite Aid pharmacy cause the grocery store was out, Walmart was out, and Kmart was out... Makes you wonder. If I get a positive this month, I'll be asking my ob if there was a rush on new pregnancies this month. He'll get a kick out of that...

One wierd symptom for me - nosebleeds. Guess what happened this morning.... Yep had a nosebleed. I am putting it to the dryness of the summer air. Ok, I know I am telling myself that.

2 DPO

Well I definitely O'd this time. My temps are on the way up. Especially if you throw out the one from O day where I was running a fever at 5am on tylenol. Not sure where my coverline will be. I am really hoping this month will be it. I secretly hope it is. Dh who has been wishy washy about trying again after having such a devestating loss is totally on board this month. He even said afterwards, there you are now impregnated. When he said it before, I really was. It seemed like even though O fell on a Thursday, God made things happen so we can get the time to dtd in. As sad as it sounds, if I hadn't of gotten Strep, I would not have been home on Thursday when DH got home. So we got a bd in on late Tuesday night (2 days before O), day of O (DH raced back from KY for it), and the morning after O ( I would have been at work but was home due to still being contagious). I was able to lay still for an hour afterwards each time. So keep your fingers crossed. We REALLY need this. By the time, I go back to work, I'll already be 5 DPO. How exciting. By the time the following weekend is done, 11 DPO. I have 50 early internet HPTs that measure at 10mIU/ML. So hopefully it will WORK this time. The O that I thought I had on 5/2 was a major fakeout. My temps did not rise and I got frustrated and quit temping.

DH has planned our entire weekend out already... Tonight we are going to a coworkers house. I made brownies. Of course, the girls TOTALLY protested, so I had to make a second batch... Kirsten has a birthday party to attend to tonight. Then they are going to grandmas cause we don't know when we will be back.

Today is a BEAUTIFUL day outside. Simply gorgeous. Gives me hope for a better day....

Tomorrow, DH wants to go to the drive in to see some movies. It's about an hour away, however, it is fun. We get a pizza. Bring drinks and snacks. The girls sleep in the back of the explorer when they fall asleep. We also have a bbq to go to as well. I have a feeling we may be picking up some extra riders for the drive in. I finally got the bullentin board and marker boards back up to keep track of appts. They kept falling off the wall. It's the one thing dh does NOT touch.

Then Monday, I am sleeping. I feel like I have been on vacation all week. Since I was quarantined because of the strep, I did some work from home instead.

So keep your fingers crossed and hopefully in 10-12 days we get the answer we are looking for....

Oh and I have NO idea what to tell my dr so he can date everything. Guess he'll have to send me for a US, which he was going to do regardless. Technically, there has been no period since the middle of April. I am not in the least bit upset about that. It's his job to figure those things out for me. Since it has been such a crazy and wild ride, I had to write all that stuff down for him. I'm just hoping to get back in that club again..... It's not a nice feeling looking in from the outside.

kAn Update of Sorts...

Well I think I know where AF is. No, I am not pregnant as much as I would LOVE to be. However, I discovered that I was ovulating today. Since AF was nowhere to be found and since April, I have been testing with hpts and opks. All negative except for a surge that happened 5/1. I think what I thought was ovulation was actually my body gearing up to O and not following through. My temps stayed flat for three days afterwards. I got frustrated and quit temping.

I kept noticing a lot of eggwhite cm this week. I was quite confused when my temps took a nosedive two days ago. Since I am a pee on a stick aholic, I noticed a surge starting 2 days ago on the opk. Sure enough, I got a positive yesterday morning. So DH and I dtd Tuesday night. Then he went out of town at 1am yesterday morning. My positive was at 5am. So I called him and told him to hurry his butt home today. Well I guess God had plans for us. Cause I promptly came down with a raging case of Strep Throat!!! So I ended up coming home early to see the PA at my pcp's office. As a side note, Dr. L had a healthy baby boy on 5/24. He weighed 6lbs 7ozs and had a HEAD FULL OF BLOND HAIR. My doc and her dh have very dark hair, so THAT is interesting. Anyway. Saw the PA and my left tonsil is enormously swollen and covered in pus. Lovely. My rapid strep test came back positive immediately. I didn't have symptoms until Tuesday night!!! I started running a fever Tuesday night. Even with Tylenol every 4 hours for pain and fever, I was still running a fever. The PA faxed my rx to the pharmacy. As a funny note, the nurse asked me how the TTC thing was going right now. I told her well we lost the last one at 5 weeks last month. However, I am Oing TODAY. So when she came back in the exam room to say that I definitely had strep (this was after she nearly gagged me to death), she said no kissing the dh today and tonight. I told her I didn't need to kiss dh to make a baby. The poor PA was like WHAT?? Apparently, the girls havn't indoctrinated her yet in our crassness. LMAO. So, I went home to sleep for a few hours.

The PA wanted to give me something for pain. However, motrin is out due to trying to get preggo. She was going to prescribe Tylenol 3. However, I told her I had the l.o.r.t.a.b. script at home already and that was approved as a painkiller by my ob. She said to take that instead cause it had the tylenol component. I was surprised that she wanted to prescribe something that strong. Too bad about the motrin cause I broke down to take it this morning and it worked FABULOUSLY.

Guess who was home when I got home?? DH was. So we dtd and hopefully caught an eggie. He raced home 10 hours just so we could catch the egg. How sweet. He was doing it more for me this time with ttc. However, now he is completely on board with it.... YEAH...

So we will probably dtd tomorrow morning and night just to cover our bases. FF has thrown out today's temp due to fever. So I have no idea what my cover is. I am guessing 97.77 because that is the average of the 3 temps plus .01. It was 97.75 in March. So keep your fingers crossed and say a little prayer for us. Oh and I think I released the egg around 330 or 4. I had a horrible pain on the right side reminiscent of O pain. It lasted for a few minutes then was gone.

I am hoping that being sick my immune system is lower and will easily allow that eggie to be caught. I just realized with Kirsten, Sara , and Peyton I was sick each time they were conceived. With Kirsten, it was strep. With Sara, it was bronchitis. With Peyton, a severe sinus infection. So maybe that's just what we need. A lower immune system.

And last, please keep a girl from my June Babies board in your prayers. She found out yesterday that she lost her baby. She was 15 weeks 4 days and the baby measured 13 weeks 4 days. She is going through with a D&C tomorrow. I have tried to help her as going through it myself and hope I have been able to help her. She is understandably devestated. I hate seeing someone else go through what I went through.

Here's a poem someone posted on my loss board that I just love:

A Different Child Poem by Pandora MacMillian
People notice
There’s a special glow around you.
You grow Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father’s eyes.
And if sometimes Between the smiles
There’s a trace of tears,
One day You’ll understand.
You’ll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother’s tears
Another father’s silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
“I know how you feel.
I’m only here
Because my mother tried again.”

Still no answers....

Still no af and still no BFP as of this morning. I am 15 or 16DPO.

Totally and Utterly Frustrated

and ready to cry. Let me preface this by saying it is not my intent to hurt anyone's feelings. I KNOW I have a lot to be grateful for. I have 2 living children that are absolutely beautiful and I know that. I am so frustrated. I am one of those people that have a type A personality. If I am intent on getting something, I usually do. I can always figure out a way to make it happen or do what I need to do to get it. I don't really know what it is like to fail at something, till now. I hate it. This is something that I can not control and have to learn patience with. This is not something I can force to happen as much as I want to. This is something that will take time. I don't like it at all. All I want is one more child. The one more child to make our family complete. I already have enough problems with pregnancy at the end due to blood pressure and preeclampsia. Those that don't know my story, I almost died with my first daughter. She was fine, but I became very ill and was in the MICU on L&D with her. Most women go in and have a baby. I didn't. I became very ill to the point my kidneys were starting to fail, my liver was about to explode, and my blood was not clotting. I spent 4 days on L&D with a nurse at my beside making sure I didn't seize or stroke out or both. Both of us came out of it fine, but the experience had me freaked about ever being pregnant again. It took over 5 years to get the courage up for Sara.

With Sara, I spent most of the pregnancy in bed. I missed major milestones with Kirsten. Her first soccer goal... I missed most of the summer because even after an emergency induction with Sara for severe pregnancy induced hypertension and fetal decels, I was on bedrest afterwards as well. I was on bedrest afterwards for the PIH, and complications from delivery to include clotting, severe uterine infection, ecoli, and retained parts, etc. Had an emergency d&c and recovered slowly. On top of that I have endometriosis and adnenomyosis (endo in the uerine wall). Which leaves every period as h*ll on earth. After consulting with an endo specialist last year, my choices were: Lupron - not going to do as it puts you in temporary menopause and has bad long lasting effects, another lap if not pregnant by 6 mos, hysterectomy, conception. Since we wanted another child, we chose to persue conception. Got pregnant immediately with Peyton, whom we lost at 13 1/2 weeks. Following that loss I had clotting issues again and bad complications from the d&c.

I have always gotten pregnant very quickly. Kirsten was a first try, Sara was a second try, Peyton was a first try, the chemical pregnancy was a first try. So I guess this upcoming round will be the second try. I know there are many women on here that have it much worse. I just need a whine day. I know absolutely that we want another child. It's not enough that I have to worry about dying. It may seem dramatic but it is true. I do have excellent drs that will take no chances. If I didn't have that team, I would not even be trying. I have an awesome perinatologist, obgyn, and pcp. The preeclampsia can be managed by serial bloodwork, USs, 24 hour urine tests, bpps, NSTs. I have a plan mapped out for that with my drs. I fully intend to comply with bedrest at 26 weeks (which is when they think I will be out completely). My ob has promised me serial blood draws, early USs, told me I can come to the office for heartbeat checks whenever I feel the need for them.

I live 45 mins between 2 regional children hospitals with high level NICUs.Why this and why me? Havn't I paid enough? Why not the drug addicts and the ones that don't give a d**n about their kids??I try to think that there is a bigger plan out there for me. I realized that with another month that goes by that is more leave for me to be out on if it is needed. I planned on 3 mos off after baby is born. Right now I can have 6-10 weeks off on full paid leave before baby is born (depending on when I would deliver 36-40 weeks). I try to think maybe God is teaching me patience. I just wish I didn't have to learn all these lessons and it could be easy.

I had it all planned. Everything was falling into place. I was pregnant. I had gotten approved for work at home due to my pregnancy complications. I was offered a job three times and turned it down. A better job with more pay. I turned it down because of pregnancy. I was worried about additional stress. They even told me they would wait for me. They arranged to have another announcement go out in April. I was to apply again. They were going to stretch out the times so that I could be hired at the end of July and start in November. However, I lost the baby. That job while it was advertised, well I didn't apply for it. Now that is all gone too. I do have a good chance for a job in my current agency. There are two promotions coming open in my office that I will be applying for. So I am keeping my fingers crossed for that. I just don't understand why it has to be so hard. I just want one more child for our family to be complete. I want to have a healthy and happy pregnancy. Then when that baby is out, I am scheduling the hysterectomy. That's all I want. It's very simple. How come it is not coming out that way?

Oh Where Oh Where Could My BFP Be????

Do you know where? Cause I got all the signs for a BFP and it is not showing up yet. This better not be another chemical pregnancy. UGGGH. I even went and bought MORE HPTs. I bought First Response and not a second line to be found. Usually, by this point, I am doubled over with cramps from the adenomyosis and severe lower pelvic and back pain. NONE. Is God taking it easy on me this month? AF is due tomorrow. I thought for sure if I bought the First Response tests, AF would show up. Nope, no where to be found. Yet, I have heartburn from hell, nausea waves all day, exhaustion, diareah (tmi I know. Apparently, when your progesterone goes up, this can happen. It can also happen before AF. However, not for the last two days!), hot, lots of EWCM and creamy CM, a high soft cervix, irritable, sore boobs and nipples, spotting between 5-10dpo. A wierd thing, my scars from the laps that I have had started hurting today. They have not hurt since I was pregnant with Peyton. So I am either having one heck of a nasty PMS trip or I am pregnant. So where is my BFP. Is it hiding on me? Surely not two different brands of tests.....I even had concentrated urine this morning and afternoon. NOTHING. I can imagine a second line. But it is my imagination.

Fertility Friend says the average for a BFP is 13.6 days out of their 200,000 charts. So, I guess it could still be out there. I am right in there at 13 DPO. But if it is will it just show positive soon please. Let's get the show on the road one way or another. I am sick of waiting. I want my baby. I want my uterus to come out when the baby is born. So let's get with it.....

My baby girl is no longer a Brownie Scout. She bridged to Juniors tonight. I can't believe how fast they are growing up!!!!!

12 DPO and no sign of af or positive HPT

I know still early. I am so confused and wish I had never had that silly blood test. All it has caused is excessive worry. So I am having TONS of CM. What the heck is up with that??? I thought you dried up before AF. At least I don't remember THIS much. This reminds me of when I was pregnant. I had the WORST heartburn mixed with nausea yesterday afternoon. It was truly awful. What caused it - water. This is what I had yesterday - water, mountain dew, dr. pepper, a beef souvaki sub (only beef, feta cheese, and greek dressing, and bread), grilled shrimp skewers, rice, and mashed potatoes and gravy. So what caused it. It was awful. I took pepcid and went to bed early.

I have been going to bed early the last 2 nights. Tell the truth, I need a nap now. I am so tired. I have the following: Constipation, tons of cm, exhaustion, nausea off and on, sore boobs and nipples, irritable, leaky boob with colostum??, feel hottish and like running a fever, had spotting from days 5-10dpo (disappeared as quick as it appeared), no signs of my endo, wierd uterine twinges, cramping but it is like pressure not pain, fuller boobs (busting out of the big bra here). If it is not pregnancy, then I sure do have a bad case of PMS.

Tested this morning with concentrated urine, BFN. I still have time. FF says avg is 13.6 dpo for a positive. I used a dollar store test this morning. It's cheaper on my budget. Will test this afternoon or tonight again.

A friend of mine says she knew when she implanted with her two. She said she got a faint positive 4 days after implantation. I am guessing if I am, that I implanted on day 10. That could make sense with my increase of symptoms in the last two days. I read that HCG shows up in blood serum 36-48 hours after implantation and 48-96 hours in urine after implantation.

Keep your fingers crossed. I would love to still get a BFP. After last month, anything is possible.

11 dpo and negative blood test

So I called the ob's office today and my test was negative. Can someone PLEASE explain to me why when a patient calls the dr's office (specifically ME), the nurse won't give me my numbers? I realize I am not a dr. I realize I did not spend years of schooling. As a patient, I have a RIGHT to know those numbers. So I call, and the nurse said DR. E says it is negative. Ok, how negative was it 0? No it was negative. Is there a number? Dr. E says it is negative. So I get off the phone. Then I called back because I have a right to know the number. I paid for the blood test. Again several times she tells me Dr. E says it is negative. Umm ok. TELL ME THE NUMBER. Finally I get the number, she says it says less than 1. Thank you. How hard was that???

My online TTC buds say don't count myself out yet. It ain't over till af shows. But still I am fairly certain with THAT low of a number, I am out. But, from what I read, HCG is not made till after the egg implants. If I had implantation bleeding till yesterday. It is very possible I implanted at day 1o. I have the worst case of heartburn ever. I checked my cervix. It is pretty high (should be low), but it is firm. I have had exhaustion and nausea. I don't feel the endo coming on (WIERD). I had tugging/pulling/mild cramping since 2 DPO. I really think I am. Everything is saying no right now. So I went to the Dollar store and bought 20 tests. I am going to be testing with HCG tests and then also O tests. That way, I catch it either way. I would like to prove something to the nurse cause that totally irritated me by that conversation. Wouldn't it be nice, uh Ms. Nurse. Could you explain how I have a positive HCG urine test today and negative bw last week?? Oh and I bought 50 each of OPKs and HCGs today too. Gosh I hope that blood test is WRONG.

I also will be discussing with my OB about having a note written into my file that they just need to give me numbers when I request them or else! Anyway, next O date is 5/30. Uggh. I hate this. It's hard enough to get my dh on board with this and it is getting tiring doing this every month!!!

I did check out some dr infertility sites. Blood tests are not accurate for positive till 8-12 dpo. It is not accurate till the egg implants. Implantation is 6-12 DPO, so it really could still be too early. So I really could be until AF shows. Look at what happened last month! I would not be this way if that had not have happened. I shouldn't have had that stupid blood test.

Please say prayers for my sil. She was admitted to the hospital in congestive heart failure. They are transferring her to a different hospital. I am sure she is terrified. We are going up to see her tonight. She is only 38...

8 dpo and freaking a bit....

I'm 8dpo today. Tomorrow, Mother's Day, I am 9DPO. Way too early to pee on a stick, but I am going do it anyway. What can I say except I am masochistic. Maybe I'll get a little lucky. I am still spotting. It was nice for about a day because it gave me a lot of hope and really good signs. Now I am so over it. Wishing for everything to be ok. Wishing for it to stop. Wishing for a BFP. I can't believe it is the middle of May. I am still stuck in February. The last couple of days I have had horrendous heartburn. Last night, I had nausea so bad I couldn't move. I have the spotting but no pain. Just a lot of wierd pulling and tugging. I keep reading how this spotting is a very good sign if you are trying to get pregnant. Well I got the sign God. Now make it go away cause it is totally freaking me out.

Regardless, I can't change what will happen in the future. I can't control what the results will be. I'll test tomorrow through next weekend. I have 6 first response tests. I have my blood test on Monday afternoon after work. I plan on calling my ob's office Tuesday afternoon after work for the results. Let's hope it is good news. I can use some nowadays.

6DPO

6dpo. Why does it seem the two week wait is an eternity??? I have decided to go and buy some first response tests tonight. I seem to trust those more. I kept the positive ones from last month to use as comparison. Wow that's pretty obsessive. I really think I am this month. I feel the exact same way as I did with Peyton. I am tired, cranky, bloated, feel like af is coming any minute, heartburn (this morning from OJ and a poptart), crampy since 2dpo, low backache, tons of CM, and a tad miniscule amount of spotting yesterday afternoon and this morning. All very very good signs. I am going to start testing on Sunday. Get my blood draw done on Monday afternoon. I pray that I get a positive Monday morning at 10DPO before the blood draw. Then I could just sit back already knowing the results, lol. If Iam, while I have the nurse on the phone, I am going to ask for a blood test for progesterone too just to ease my mind. Which means, I'll get poked Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Lucky me. I don't mind though. It will all be worth it in the end.

We are slowly winning bedtime wars with Sara..... She is a stubborn little one.

Exhausted, yawnnnn

Oh my, I am so exhausted and there is no reason to be. Well there could be a reason. I slept in till 10am yesterday. I even took a nap between 4-6pm. Went to bed at 11pm. This morning I can barely keep my eyes open. I hope that means that I am pregnant again. My boobs are pretty tender today. That is unusual this early. Normally that would be a next week symptom or at least further a few days into the 2 ww. They feel fuller.

I have been pregnant since like the middle of November off and on with about a month off 2/22-3/24. Do you realize that if I am pregnant again that will make over a year of being pregnant. agggggh. I'll take it. Just make this baby stick. That's all I ask. Give me a healthy sticky baby and I'll give up my uterus in return.

Seriously, I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep because I am so tired. 3DPO today. Blood test next Monday. I still think it will be hysterical to see wildly climbing numbers instead of 0. I am sure my ob is on to it. lol. Can you imagine the nurse's face. Umm doc, her numbers went UP instead of to 0.

The wait begins again....

I guess I can say that an enormous amount of weight has been taken off my shoulders. I was very worried that my body would not return to normal. I am very happy that all of my drs are treating me like glass. It's amazing the difference in care when you have lost a baby, not to mention two in the space of a few months. The last one was not as bad. I guess because even though I was pregnant again. I only knew about it for 4 days before I lost it again. It never had a heartbeat. I guess that makes a difference to me for some reason. I feel like I have been on this wild roller coaster ride. All I want is to get pregnant again asap and have a normal QUIET pregnancy, kwim. The weight has been taken off my shoulders. Half the battle is just getting pregnant and well we all know that is not a problem for me. It's just making them stick around that is the problem. I was sad that day till I discovered I was ovulating and then that just made my week!!! Sometimes I wish I could just fast forward ahead.

People can't believe my positive attitude and persistence. All I can say is statistically, eventually we will get a baby that sticks! You can do one of two choices. You can sit there and let it eat you and then you eventually become dark and shrivel up and die. Or. You can fight your way out of the darkness and get the best gift of all. It has not been easy to fight out of the darkness. The day that I found out Peyton was gone, part of me died. I have never been the type to give up as those that know me well will tell you. I have two beautiful girls that absolutely need me. I can't give up because then I give up on them.

My dh sent me a really beautiful story about a guy that was a motivator. He was always upbeat to the point of annoying. One day the guy fell from a scaffold and broke his back. He goes to the ER. The drs asked him what he was allergic to. After thinking for several minutes, he told them gravity. After the round of laughter, he told the drs to not give up on him because he hadn't given up on himself yet. He eventually made a full recovery. A friend asked him how he didn't let himself go down in dispair. The guy said, I could do that. However, what good will that do anyone? You can let yourself get down and out and die. Or you can choose to live. This guy chose to live. The moral of the story was do not worry about tomorrow as tomorrow will reveal itself soon enough and have its own set of problems. Worry about today as today was the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Ever since dh sent me that email, I have been trying to make a concerted effort to do that with my own life.

Some of my friends say I am glossing over things. I really honestly think that there are worse things in the world. I know I can get pregnant. That's half the battle. What would be worse would be to not be able to get pregnant, spend 5 years trying, only to loose a child. That really sucks. What about never being able to have a child. That would suck. I have a good life. I have wonderful drs who support me. How many pcp's would call you from home to let you know your US was ok on a Saturday? What about getting the hospital to call in an US tech to reassure you? Not too many. How many ob drs stay with you during your entire labor and do everything themselves? There wasn't a nurse there that touched me during the time I had Sara. They did ivs. They assisted my ob. He did all my checks and everything himself. How many obs sit with their patient in recovery when they had a d&c for a baby that died at 13 1/2 weeks? From what I get from friends, not too many. How many nurses will call you from the peri's office just to talk with you and make sure you are ok? Not that many. I have a good job that pays me well. Drives me crazy at times. Really though it is not that bad a job. I know there are a few special people where I work that will check on me constantly. I live in a country where there is opportunity if you want to take it. So things could be worse. At least I had warm compassionate drs and I live in a country where I can make the most of the opportunities presented.

While it sucks that teenage girls get knocked up, the condom broke for a friend, someone is having their 5th kid, someone else has an unexpected pregnancy, it will just make it that much nicer when it happens for me. I know I will cry when I see the baby on the US. I know my ob will be doing a multitude of blood draws and USs to make sure everything is ok. No, they won't think I am a crazed freak for calling and worrying.

So let's hope that blood test on the 12th comes back good. Let's hope for happy news. Let's hope for a healthy and happy nine months. Cause if you lose hope, what else is there?

OMG I am ovulating......

Well you may wonder how the heck that happened when I lost another baby. God works in mysterious ways. Best I can figure out is I lost the last baby at 12dpo. I had bleeding that started on 11dpo with a kidney stone. That bleeding became extremely heavy on 12dpo (4/19). So heavy that I went through about 8 pads and everytime I went to the bathroom, there was even more blood. Then I had medium bleeding the next day. Light bleeding on Monday. Spotting throughout the week till Sat 4/26. This would make it seem a bit of a longer period. I think the reason why I did not get positive pregnancy tests till last weekend was because of how much water I was drinking. I was drowning in the stuff to flush the stones. It also explains how my levels dropped so quickly.

So yesterday I notice eggwhite CM. I thought HMMMM. That's wierd. Now I had taken opks since Saturday and they became progressively lighter as the HCG left my body. Remember Tuesday morning at 9:15am it was a 4 when my blood was drawn. I remember after loosing Peyton, O came back a couple of days after my pregnancy tests were negative. I have negative blood and urine tests at this point. So I took two different opks. Dark line. Not as dark as control but close to it. Definitely darker than any other time I have O'd. Thought NAHHHHH. Took a guanifesin tablet to increase CM just in case last night. This morning, notice lots of CM at 3:40am. So I woke DH and up and we dtd. Took an internet opk and an Answer OPK. The Answer one is a blazing positive and the internet cheapie was very very close to control (remember I didn't get a true positive on the opk before the last 2 times). HOLY CRAP. So glad dh and I dtd this morning. Now we are off to baby dance for the next 2 days. I am testing again this afternoon with the opks. I am taking more guanifesin. Word of advice - tablets make GOBS of CM with lots of water. OMG. The syrup was nothing like this!!!! So my plan of attack is tonight, tomorrow morning, tomorrow afternoon, and tomorrow night for sure. Then we will see where we stand.

AND this morning the nurse from my OB's office called me. I had a chemical pregnancy. I don't have to come in tomorrow. YEAH, I was dreading that. However, my ob told her he wants me to have another blood draw. Why would he want me to have another draw when he saw my levels dropped drastically from 23 to 4 in 3 days??? Wouldn't you assume they were zero? I think he is on to what I just figured out! She said that he wants to see it at zero. HAH. Not if I have my way. Can you imagine the OMG she is pregnant again if it works??? I know he said a week, but I am hoping to extend it to 3 days to 10DPO on the 12th. Let's say my week is 10 days, lol. Talk about the planets aligning. The last time I had this feeling was when I got pregnant with Peyton. I am going to ask the lab to please copy my pcp on it. If it comes back pregnant, the nurses from my pcp's office will be the first to call me. I just know what D will say. Damn girl......